Excellent videos on meditation by a skeptic

From the youtube channel "à-bas-le-ciel":

 

It just ain't fair. There I was, looking for someone who would challenge my beliefs on meditation, maybe have a little debate or somthun.

Turns out, not only does this guy mostly agree with my own notions, but he articulates them better than I can.

The gist of it is that the "interesting" experiences in meditation don't mean shit beyond what they are - experiences.

If you're interested in that kinda thang - enjoy!

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Here's another one of his:

If I hear him right, he is actually in favour of meditation - as a religious practice - but doesn't see any scientifically vindicated merit to it as a health practice. Now, admittedly I used to think that there are some studies suggesting that meditation can improve some brain states.

Okay, so maybe that ain't so. That's fine. I always thought that those claims were a bit useless, anyway. After all, if a game of table tennis is a worthwhile endeavour that nobody feels motivated to back up by science, then why wouldn't the same go for just quietly sitting around for a while?

I do not claim that meditation has any effect outside subjective experience. I would, however, claim that in my own experience, daily meditation plus a good healthy dose of stoic philosophy, did help me get out of a rut, and does help me create less trouble for myself and others. I have the impression that it became easier, over time, to see things with less bias and to come down faster from an emotional outburst. I have no clue if that works for everyone, or if it can even ever be proven that it works for a few. It's only my impression, is all.

I do think that "getting a little bit of rest" between an impulse and my reaction, is something I achieved through my practice and that, at worst, I am wasting an hour before dawn feeling rather well.

Or I might just be getting older. Well, I guess I can live with that.

To me, the more important part is to not fall for the religious implications assigned to meditation. That there probably is no enlightenment awating just around the corner. That being a bit calmer does not mean that I have some "spiritual achievement", or that I am somehow better than others. It just seems to make my life a bit easier.

Entitlement, privilege, and motivation

When you say that "millenials are so entitled" *), what you are really saying is that they create suffering for themselves and others. And now, you create suffering by doling out your righteous judgment, feeling very much entitled in the process.

Of course, there can be tendencies for certain groups towards destructive attitudes or behaviours.

I think that the motivation with which you say something, and the way you say it, is important. Fundamentally important.

You can spew absolute judgments with hatred, bigotry, resentment and fear.

Or you can carefully try to describe and understand what you see as a destructive behaviour, and look out for solutions.

There's a difference between those two, and I think it is all important, especially in the times of social media and hair-trigger indignation.

It's a difference in tone moreso than content. It's hard to spot. It's easy to hide the one under the cover of the other.

It's important to learn how to listen, without judgment, and then rephrase the message so it becomes more productive.

In my experiene, stoicism, some parts of buddhism, and meditation can help with that goal.

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*) etc. etc. ad nauseam

Why Christianity Does Not Work

There is a useful idea of transcendence buried inside christianity. *)

Christianity is an attempt

to transcend the ego,

by projecting the inner demon,

unto an imagined external being,

denying its demonic origin,

and then submitting to it.

I think it is reasonably obvious why this can never work.

---

*) inside abrahamic monotheism in general.

Group characterization, a.k.a. prejudice

"The pharisees were hypocrites."

"Millenials are lazy and entitled."

"Feminists are ugly, fat, man-hating bitches."

"All men are rapists in waiting."


The moment you put people into those neat little categories, you have already lost.

Thinking in groups, and then pitching them against each other, is one of the worst mistakes human beings make - every one of us, including myself.

And we make it an awful lot.

Why is it a mistake? Because it simply ain't true, that's why. It makes us make bad decisions.

Beliefs that don't accurately reflect reality, can cause bad decisions.

My favourite example is from the New Testament: The pharisees are consistently characterized as hypocrites. But, wait a sec - the pharisees were a group of maybe 2000-3000 people or so... can you honestly say that you believe that that many people were being hypocritical, and nothing but hypocritical, for all their life? While everybody else was superduper honest and good?

The answer is, of course, no. It's a piece of ideological hyperbole, of rhetoric.

Some pharisees sure acted like hypocrites in certain situations.

Just like everybody else. Just like I do. Just like you do.

The categorization of a group as hypocrites, or as "entitled", is simply wrong.

The categorization of a specific action as hypocritical is possibly correct, and can be productive.

Yet, we need group categorization for fast decisions, especially in semergency situations: "Can I trust this guy in uniform?" - "Should I run from this guy who looks like a drug addict?"

We do it more when we are emotionally upset. As long as there's no "clear and present danger", the right thing to do would be to let the emotions settle, and only then engage in thinking and decision-making.

We also do it out of sheer mindlessness, intellectual laziness. It takes effort to correct one's prejudice. It's work, actual, real, hard work, to get over it. And you can't ever say that you've finished your work. Never.

I suggest that we learn to be aware of our neat little categories, and whenever we meat someone from one of those groups, allow them the chance to prove us wrong.

I suggest that we learn to attack actions and opinions, with vigour and even mercilessly at times - but never people.

How not to convince me

TL;DR: That which is presented without evidence, can be dismissed without evidence.

In this blog posting, the author takes on the role of a father, advising his son. His wisdom entails, in so many words, that women are goddesses in hiding, men can be gods too, but men have to work for it. And that work consists of - you guessed it - withholding orgasm. He claims that orgasm "weakens you and opens the door to diseases."

Nothing new there.

The appallingly condescending tone of the thing does not do an awful lot to convince me, but that is the least of the troubles.

In the ensuing reddit discussion, he clarified he was not actually talking about orgasm - but rather ejaculation. That he is well aware of the distinction, and knew of the existence of nonejaculatory orgasms. He said that he used orgasm as a short-hand, "because it was a mere 500 word posting". I'm not buying this, but let's let that one slip.

He said he was not talking about serious illness, but stuff like the flu or herpes. Upon request for evidence, he refused to "give away free data", because he felt offended by my criticism.

That one is highly amusing. The sheer creativity of authors covering up their lack of evidence is truly astounding. I tried it quite a few times, to no avail. There is always some reason why they don't, can't, won't come up with real data.

True, I was very harsh. I'm fed up with all the bullshit that people tout with regard to male sexuality and orgasm, and right now, I'm not in the mood to mince words. It will probably mean that I and this fellow will never be friends, but that's a loss I'll just have to live with.

Here's what I think: He does not have any data. Nor does he have any explanation for how this is supposed to work. Apart from maybe something or other about energy, or maybe zinc.

He has a few personal anecdotes and vague impressions, he's read a few books that propagate old religious superstitions about qi and retention. Books that, themselves, rely on anecdotal evidence and "old wisdom" or "spiritual science", which is just a nice way of saying "crap that someone pulled out of their arse".

The saddest part is that, apart from being uncapable to put his message into clear words, this guy is not a liar or deliberately trying to fool people. I'm sure he absolutely believes what he says. He thinks he is being rational, and giving good advice. He just does not know what constitues evidence, and how to phrase his message so that it conveys a confidence level lower than 1.

Just in case, I know how it feels. You have this big revelation, this truly and utterly deep truth that shook your world and made you well. You want to convey it. Everyone should know this! Everybody will love your message! They just have to understand.

Been there, done that. Got the "stupid" label well on my forehead.

But that just ain't how it works. Son.

If you want to convince me, I suggest you do the following:

• Use a non-condescending, humble style. You are not an authority. Don't try to act like one.
• Have at least an inkling of a coherent theory. There is no reason to believe claims without explanation.
• Caveats are a good thing. Anticipate counter-arguments and possible refutations. That shows that you thought this through before writing.
• Show your evidence, or at least admit that there is none. Your personal experience is quite fine, it just means that it is not my experience, so there is no reason for me to believe it if those experiences don't match.
• Whenever you're engaging in speculation, admit to it. There is nothing wrong with speculation, and the status of your claims is an integral part of the message.
• Whenever you do not know for sure, admit to it. There is nothing wrong with that. It supports the reader's evaluation of your claims.

Please, do not claim healing

Whenever you are tempted to write a blog posting or a reddit comment, or just claim in casual conversation, that your spiritual, mystical, "alternative" method has healing properties, I urge you to stop right there.

You might have a few personal experiences, and if that works for you, fine, great, go on and do whatever you do. As long as you claim general good feelings, improved vitality, you got no debate from me. Thousands of factors go into that, your method might very well be one of them, at least for you, and maybe a few others as well.

All of that changes once we talk about real physical or mental issues, be it the flu or cancer or depression.

The fact is, you do not have a clue whether your method works or not, and chances are it doesn't.

The fact is, you are very likely falling prey to your own biases. You are likely a victim of confirmation and selection bias, probably of loss aversion too. You have not accounted for a possible placebo effect. You are probably not a medical doctor. You do not know all the factors that might play a role, nor do you have any idea how to deal with those in your assessment.

Assuming that what you describe even is a real effect, which is highly doubtful, you do not know the mechanism behind it, and "quantum consciousness" or "qi" probably ain't it.

We all have read about an astounding quantity of bullshit methods: prayer, crystals, reiki, semen retention, invocations of literally thousands of gods and demons. The list is nearly endless.

They cannot all be right.

They can indeed all be wrong.

Your method, in all likelihood, is just as wrong as all the others.

When you claim physical healing, and you do so with the right tone, some assumed authority, and maybe some quote-mining, there is a good chance that you lead people astray. People who are in dire need of real treatment. People who suffer. You give them false hope, and in the worst case, this will lead to their death.

What you are doing is unethical.

Stop it.

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On this blog, I have tried my best to avoid any claims of that sort. I avoid words like "healing" in general, because I think it insinuates more than it should. However, we all slip up, so if you still find something like that, please drop me a note (betlamed@gmail.com), and I will review the posting in question.

You don't have to be a label

Okay, I admit that this fundamental wisdom is quite the deepity - but it hit me like a sledgehammer earlier today, so I'd like to share it:

You don't have to be a bdsmer just to do some bdsm stuff.

I self-identified as a sub for the better part of my adult life. First you struggle, then you get used to it, and at some point you take it for granted.

However, the more I actually practice some bdsm rituals with my wonderful lady, the more they  become just another expression of our love. This makes me question why I should self-identify with the label at all.

bdsm is just a set of activities. If you like to create an identity around those, fine, go ahead, it's not a bad thing per se, and it will bring you in community with a lot of interesting folks - but it's really not needed if you just want to tie your partner to the bed.

No need to be a tantrik either, just to breathe and masturbate. And indeed, do you have to "be a christian" just to believe something, or to attend some church?

Of course, arguably, if you believe that Jesus rose from the dead and saved us all, then you're a christian by definition.

But there is a difference between accepting a label just because the definition fits, and self-identifying with that label.

My hunch is that this latter way of dealing with labels is where all the trouble lies. It is fairly obvious that - while your beliefs sure inform your actions and form your character - you are not simply defined by your beliefs.  You are not a christian, and nothing but a christian - you're a christian and a father/mother, son/daughter, student, hacker, etc.

It is also obvious that such identification can lead to ugly stuff like suicide bombings or flying planes into buildings - or, a bit less dramatically, to vote for a party that does not actually support you or your causes.

Another obvious deepity is that identification with a label does not necessarily make you a suicide bomber. In fact, it might inspire you to do a world of good.

So where does that leave us? Personally, I get ever more wary of labels, the older I get. I find that in many cases, they are - not so much evil, but - unneeded, unhelpful. I don't think we can ever get rid of them, but I think that it makes sense to not identify with any one label too much.

Books and resources

This is a list of some resources that I enjoyed and from which I learned a lot. It's a work in progress, so if you're interested, come back at a later time.

Last update: 2020-10-28.

10/10 can recommend

Books

Diana and Michael Richardson have written a host of books one can recommend. I read their book on tantra for men, which introduced me to the concept of "cold versus hot arousal", to prefer lower levels of it. They align themselves with Osho, so one should take that into account.

Barbara Carellas' Urban Tantra is another classic, of course. It's one of the more "shiny" books with lots of images. I can't seem to find it in my library at the moment, so I will have to talk about it at a later time.

Margot Anand's The Art of Sexual Ecstasy sees things from a very "western" perspective. She has a lot of detailed practical instructions, but also covers a lot philosophical ground. I remember I bought it because it was the only book I was able to find at the time, that specifically contained instructions for solo practice.

Online Resources

I hesitate to put a lot of online resources here. A lot of what I found is a rehash of the same old tropes, or just blatant self-promotion. If you want to look for yourself, I suggest you rather search for "kundalini yoga", rather than "tantra". You'll find more insights and less sexy stuff.

Anyway, here is the one resource that I find highly interesting, as it approaches the subject from a more yogic and philosophical persperctive, and goes into enormous detail: Advanced Yoga Practice.

Another one I can recommend as a refreshing perspective, is David Chapman's https://vividness.live/ website. It's not another "introduction to tantra", but it's a critique of mainstream buddhism from a buddhist tantric perspective.

Just out of curiosity...

These are all concerned with semen-retention a.k.a. "sexual continence". I do not endorse these books, because they often contain wacky pseudoscientific claims, but I think they are interesting for historical reasons, and if you at all interact with the relevant online communities, you will eventually come across at least one of them.

Julian Lee's *) "Bliss of the Celibate "from 1998 is probably the most-quoted "classic" of the genre. It exists only online as a PDF, whose copyright status I don't know, so I won't link to it. Lee mostly references ancient hindu and buddhist authorities, and does little to even try and prove his points.

The Coiled Serpent, by C. J. van Vliet, stems from 1939. It, too, is only available as a PDF, but I guess the copyright is expired on that one.

Dr. R. W. Bernard's (really Walter Siegmeister) Science Discovers the Physiological Value of Continence, from 1957, at least attempts to put some science behind it - as the title suggests. When you actually read it, you discover that it is all just anecdotal evidence based on the "authority" of a few MDs and their personal experiences. At least, instead of relying only on vitalist notions, he tries to show that the chemical composition of semen makes it especially rich in energy, and thus its expulsion would be extremely draining. Not very convincing if you ask me, but at least an attempt was made.

Enhanced Sensuality through Abstinence

Last week, I engaged on a higly reduced diet, led by my partner.

On top of no orgasms and enthusiastic obedience to all my Lady's whims, I was not allowed any porn, and I had to ask permission to use any kind of erotic media. To facilitate this, I blocked all reddit images, and I set my search preferences to "moderate safe-search". Despite my long-running habit of neotantric ejaculation-free self love, I abstained from even that, just to be on the safe side.

By the end of the week, I felt exhilarated, liberated and excited. Women on the street appeared more sexy. Beauty appeared more intense. My Lady was an adorable, unfathomably and dangerously beautiful goddess, even moreso than she always is. The need for bare breasts evaporated and made way for an appreciation of faces and gestures and movements and forms.

The world of nofap

As a person involved in western neotantra, bdsm chastity games, and some other stuff, I lurk on some subreddits such as /r/nofap, /r/pornfree, and  /r/semenretention.

I have struggled for quite some time to get clear on the differences between the apparent majority opinion on those subs, and my own way of thinking.

There is the nagging suspicion of a covert religious agenda. There is a slew of irrational pseudoscience, of course. There is an odd kind of team-spirit. There is a focus on long-running streaks, the longer the better. There is a promise of superpowers that I don't believe in.

All of that is not the core issue.

The core difference

People on /r/nofap try to achieve freedom through abstinence from sensuality.

I try to find enhanced sensuality through abstinence.

If both of those sound strange to you, I absolutely understand. If you buy into the western narrative of ongoing "sexual revolution" and indiviudalism expressed via sexuality, then all of this sounds strange, by necessity.

The western idea of individualistic sensuality

I'm building on those western values as a foundation. In fact, I am, as a person, infused with them, built on top of them. They are built into my being. I grew up in the 1970s and 80s, after all. I was formed by a deeply indivudalist, (post-)sexual-revolution society.

There is, obviously, a deep-running neurotic relation to sexuality in western culture. For a long time, the idea was to catch and conquer the beast, to see sexuality as something basal and primitive one had to overcome, or else...

With the sexual revolution of the late 20th century, this idea shifted: Now, sexuality was something to appreciate and to indulge in. Everybody was free to do what they wanted in their bedrooms (except if they did not want to do anything, which made them seem odd and suspicious). Consent required, of course.

Freedom, hence, was to be expressed in the chorus of "You don't get to tell me anything, and I'mma prove it to you by watching the filthiest porn I can find, and wanking to it until my balls fall off."

There is something fundamentally wrong in both approaches.

Don't get me wrong. I do not oppose sensuality, or sexuality. They are not evil, not sinful, not addictive or bad. Wanking can make you feel good. There is no harm in it.

I do oppose, however, mindless, overindulgent "sensuality". I oppose the idea that "more equals better". I resent the perverted, twisted kind of "sensuality" that comes in the form of glossy magazine covers. I think that women twisted into yoga-esque stretches just to show off their genitals are the opposite of sensual. I think that exploitation is unsexy and sad.

In fact, I like to put this kind of "sensuality" in scare quotes, because I think it is not sensual at all. There is only a superficial similarity.

Some personal history

I got into all this, long long ago, via bdsm chastity games.

My initial motivation was not to overcome my sensuality or my sexual desire. It was the opposite: I wanted to amp it up, in order to experience the masochistic pleasure of denial. I wanted to "spice up" my sex life, and for whatever reason, chastity and "denial" was what kicked my kink.

Over the years, my goals changed, as I changed through age and experience. Instead of suffering, I found joy. Instead of "enforced" abstinence, I found moderated sensuality. In sex, I found spirituality. Underneath the kink games, I found a layer of truth.

I found deep potential in deliberate self-constraint.

We should not let this potential be monopolized my morality and religion. We should liberate it from those shackles. We should cherish our sensuality by shaping it, arranging it, enjoying it slowly, in small pieces, rather than swallowing whatever we can find, whenever we can find it. We should see moderation as a joy, not a chore.

A little tidbit from my neotantric experience

You go slow, and you achieve unfathomable bliss. You don't "overheat", and you experience endless orgasmic feelings. You stay at a low level of arousal, and it keeps you from exhausting your resources.

By not overindulging, you become more sensitive, and hence you achieve greater pleasure.

A flaccid penis is more sensitive to touch than an erect one. I don't have to tell you how to fact-check that claim.

This works on the physical level, but it works on any other level, too.

Layers of deepness

Obedience to my Lady is a form of chivalry and pure love. It is very kinky, and it is more than that. It runs deeper. There are layers to it.

This is not to say that the kink is "wrong".  The deeper layer is just another part of a greater thing, which encompasses all those layers.

There is a general principle at work here; just a bit of common sense, really, which has been known for a few thousand years: You reduce quantity to achieve quality.

You practice moderation so your excesses get even better.

You stop wanking twice a day, so whatever kind of sex you choose to have, is even more sexy.

By reducing your exposure to pornography, you become more sensitive to beauty. You may experience more sensual joy. The one partner you have in your life, may well become... not only "enough", but an unexhaustable well of wonderful experiences. By not trying to escape the bonds of monogamy through porn, you find renewed sensuality inside your relationship.

A tiny bit of buddhism

Buddhism teaches that opposition is just as binding as desire. You fight your urge -- it only becomes stronger. If you want to be free, you have to let your urges pass through. You have to somehow learn to live with them. You have to find a way to integrate them, while not being their slave. Total rejection might be one necessary step on that path, but it cannot be the ultimate goal. As long as you fight it, you are not at peace.

So again, those weird places on the net...

It seems to me that people on /r/nofap and companion subreddits come from a place of desperation. Their unability to shake their habit turns into self-loathing, and a wish to be able to eliminate it completely. Understandable, since they identify an addictive habit as the root of their issue, and they can't seem to get rid of it.

They claim supposed superpowers of irresistable attraction, so they can boost their morale and stay on track.

I'm not here to tell them otherwise.

I am here to propose an alternative view on sensuality in general.

I propose that less might actually be more. I propose that, instead of "getting rid of a nasty habit", you might be able to learn to enjoy heightened sensitivity through moderation, and the habit becomes a non-issue.

Are you a (no)fapper?

As mentioned above, I trained and practiced for many years, and I don't expect anyone to instantly "get" what I'm talking about if they're at the point where they hate themselves for their wanking; in spite of wanking off twice a day, like every other normal guy in my society, I never self-identified as a masturbation addict, and I was never into a lot of porn anyway, so I never saw an issue.

I do appreciate the difference.  I really do. The problems that those subreddits try to address, were never exactly my problems to boot.









For example, due to my training, I do not have sexual fantasies, as long as I don't want them. That's one huge advantage!

I have the subjective impression (without any hard evidence of course), that the way nofappers go about it, is only effective for a tiny minority. They don't see any other way, so the only way that presents itself, seems to be the only way forward.

It might absolutely be necessary, if you really feel you are hooked, to completely eliminate any form of porn, and any wanking, for a good while. After all, whatever works for you, works for you. I won't debate that.

If you are a nofapper,  I don't suggest that you should just believe me.

I suggest that you should remain open to both ideas, that you explore gently, slowly and with caution, and that you learn from your own experiences.



It might be a good idea to have a plan for the time after your "streak". That plan should involve a positive attitude towards your sensuality.

I suggest that you keep the ideas I present in the back of your head, that you research them when you feel sure that you can do so without danger.

My biggest contention...

My biggest contention with esoteric and religious teachings (okay, to be precise, it's only one of the more important ones) is that they always give rise to projection, because there always seems to be a holier-than-thou element.

For example, one guy, after I don't know how many weeks of nofap/semen-retention claims that other men are now much more aggressive towards him. The thinking is that nofap makes you "more alpha" and more attractive or something, and others react to that. And he's not the only one. Not by a long stretch.

Yet, somehow, this is not seen as a challenge to the nofapper, but as a flaw of all others. Because the practice is perfect and flawless and holy in and of itself, of course, by way of dogma. Therefore, others have to be to blame.

Remember the old adage: "If erveryone around you seems like an asshole..."!

Wouldn't it be simpler, and more plausible, to conclude that you have become more aggressive because of your practice, and that you should change yourself, instead of trying to change others? Or maybe... you know... change your practice, or even abandon it, if there are unwanted side-effects?

Nuh-huh. Cannot have that. Can. NOT.

A small list of some chastity and nofap related aspects and attitudes

Most people are not into chastity, nofap, or any related activity.
Some people use a chastity device in the bedroom to improve their sexual experience.
Some people use a chastity device for a day, some for a week, for a month, forever.
Some use a cage type device.
Some use a full belt.
Some people don't use a device at all.
Some people believe that medieval chastity belts were a real thing.
Some people believe that medieval chastity belts were a 19th century invention.
Some people use chastity as part of a 24/7 bdsm relationship.
Some people practice teasing and denial as a purely sexual fetish.
Some people don't tease at all.
Some people practice milking.
Some people use chastity as a device of humiliation.
Some people are proud of their chastity.
Some people spare themselves for their one true love.
Some people are into karezza.
Some people are into nofap.
Some people are into devotional sex.
Some hold their own keys.
Some hold their partner's keys.
Some have thrown away the keys or superglued their device.
Some people write elaborate stories about their own chastity.
Some people write stories that are completely made up.
Some people sell books on chastity.
Some people sell books on chastity, but have no real experience at all.
Some use strapons as a replacement for their dicks to satisfy their partners.
Some have strapons used on them.
Some identify as male.
Some identify as female.
Some identify as everything in between, around, or wherever else on a spectrum of about 99 dimensions and endless possibilities.
Some people are dealing with their fapping habit.
Some people refrain from watching porn or sexy images.
Some people actively watch porn as part of their practice.
Some people are appalled by their own kink.
Some people cherish their kink.
Some people are into tantra.
Some people think that tantra has nothing to do with it.
Some people think that the way other people define tantra is wrong.
Some people are chaste or celibate for the christian god.
Some people are chaste or celibate for enlightenment.
Some people are chaste or celibate for a hindu god.
Some people are chaste or celibate for a pagan god.
Some people are chaste or celibate for all kinds of religious ideas.
Some people think that fapping is unhealthy.
Some people think that fapping is a form of cheating.
Some people think that fapping is a form of objectification.
Some have nonejaculatory or full-body orgasms.
Some are allowed to touch themselves as long as they don't orgasm.
Some are not allowed to touch themselves at all.
Some retain their semen as part of their religious tradition.
Some do it for personal development.
Some are convinced that their way is the only true way.
Some people use chastity as part of a larger regime or abstaining from certain actions, words, or thoughts.
Some people use chastity as part of a female led relationship.
Some people have a male dominant partner.
Some people see chastity as a way of expressing feminism.
Some people see chastity as a deeply sexist practice.
Some go with the flow, in and out of chastity, where the wind takes them.
Some people reject the term chastity, and prefer other words.
Some are celibate as part of their clerical profession or calling.
Some people had severe psychological trauma.
Some are involuntarily celibate.
Some people think they need to punish themselves.
Some practice in ways that seem unhealthy to me.
Almost all practice in ways that are appalling to at least one other person.
Some people meditate.
Some people are asexual.
For some people, their practice is a form of meditation.
Some people think that a sexual kink can never be a form of meditation.
Some people think that the sexualisation of chastity is a sin.
Some people think that the sexualisation of chastity is full of post-modern irony.
Some people are right-wing.
Some people are liberals.
Some people are physically incapable of orgasm.
Some were born this way.
Some had an accident.
Some are physically ill.
Some are in detention.
Some are subjected to actual torture.
Some people are dead.
Some people will be motivated to comment on this list.
Some people will be motivated to protest against some items on this list.
Some people will be motivated to agree to some items on this list.
This list is not exhaustive.
All people are people.

So you want to be a "slave", huh?

You want to be begging for mercy, down on your knees. You want a latex-clad strict Belle Dame Sans Merci to tell you how small and useless your penis is, while she wields a whip the length of Roissy and fucks your ass with a 15 inch dildo made of steel, covered in ginger essence.

You have a perfect bullet list in your head, and there are 42 items on it. You know the weapons she is to use, the clothes she should wear, the exact amount of Icy Hot to put under your foreskin.

If that's what you want, and if that's what you get, by all means, go for it. You have my blessing. More (or less) power to you!

Seeing all the complaints of (mostly male) subs about how they can't find what they crave, some skepticism might be in order.

My Lovely Lady and I recently decided that our sex had become a bit... habitual. Not bad. Far from it, we both felt it was great, but we also thought that a wee bit of spicing up might be the way to go.

Of course I dragged my old bdsm and chastity fantasies out of the closet. We had ventured into that county several years before, it was quite fun, and then we just kind of forgot about it, never mentioned it again. She's very inexperienced in that regard, She's basically compassion incarnate, and She is just... soo.. not sadistic at all.

I decided to make it as easy as possible for her. To frame it more like a bit of chivalry on my part, as our mutual, combined learning experience - everything but the cliché. She's an extremely sweet girl, so I asked her to be precisely as sweet as she wanted to. The sessions would last for as long as we decided, and instead of trying to "punish" me for inexistent and made-up "crimes", we would try and find the limits of my pain-tolerance, together. It's our journey together, as a couple, as people.

Lo and behold.

Next thing I know, I'm fetching Her drinks and serving them in style. I'm in for a week of teasing and denial. I'm kneeling by the side of the bed. I'm getting pegged.

She made me write her a text every day at noon, in which I was to ask her, kindly, to tell me what she wanted me to do for Her that day.

It's brilliant. Absolutely brilliant. That one instruction was so "mild" that She didn't have to feel like She was overstepping some boundary. She doesn't have to think of it, I have a task to perform for Her every day by default, and She can always decide to just give no order at all if She likes.

There is a level of D/s that is overtly sexual. Kneeling naked by the bed is very, very sexy.

There is another level. It's where you take out the trash, and serve Her meals, and try to think of things to make Her life easier. It's where you let Her choose the video to watch, but you also prepare a few choices because you know She has a hard time making decisions like that. It is this level that goes truly deep. It is where bdsm and spirituality meet. It is where you're about to go "naaaah... not AGAIN, I wanna do sumthin ELSE...", and then you think of your place in this, and you shut the fuck up and do it, and it is transformed into pure sweetness as if by magic.

It's where you stand behind her and gently pet her shoulders while she's brushing her teeth, just because it feels good for her. Where you feel the urge to fetch Her a fresh towel after Her shower, not because it's kinky, but because that's the way it's supposed to be.

It's sexual too, but it's also just basic good old-fashioned chivalry. It's a form of medieval, romantic self-conquest and discipline that often seems to get overlooked in the modern world, where we're all on a quest to become more, not better. It's oh so sexy and satisfying, and what's more, it just feels very, very natural.

And if you struggle to get your Lady on board, let me humbly suggest that you drop all bdsm dressup, forget whips and chains and nipple clamps, and frame it as just you being nice. It might get you further than you think!

Salespitch for the Tantric Mindset

There is this mindset of "self-improvement". People come from a place of deficiency. They are less-than. Not-quite. In dire need of improvement.

To me, this is epitomized in communities such as /r/nofap and /r/pornfree.

The idea is that "I have this obsession, I have to get rid of it, so I have to renounce this pleasure to reach my goal."

In this view, you are a victim of porn, of your imagination, of your desires, your habits, of your own weakness - and by willpower and strength and stamina and renunciation, you overcome your demons and break free.

This is fairly logical and consistent of course. I won't deny that this may well be the only viable way for a lot of people. It's the obvious thing.

If this is you, and if it works for you and makes you happy, stop reading and just do what you do.

There might be another way.

What if I told you that desire is not necessarily a call to the finish line? What if an urge was not necessarily something to fulfill? What if an empty hole does not necessarily cry for water to fill it?

Duh. What else would it be.

What if you learned to enjoy the urge itself?

What if there was joy in being with desire?

What if you learned how to see the urge, not as something to fulfill or to kill or overcome - but as something satisfying in and of itself?

What if discipline created its own reward?

In essence, this is the secular tantric *) mindset. Secular tantric practice is growing into that mindset.

Don't be fooled. It takes time, it takes discipline, it takes dedication. It's not the quick fix. And a certain openness to "spirituality", while not a prerequisite, might help. **)

But man is it good.

--------------------------

*) Disclaimers apply: It's not "authentic tantra", it's just western secular sexual "energy" practice, yadda yadda yadda da.

**) You might even develop a certain "spiritual attitude" when you practice, to your own surprise, even against your will. You have been warned.

When you let go of the need for "orgasm"...

...you can discover that you never knew what an orgasm really was.

Physical Self-Love Meditation: Week 6 - Finishing Touches

Monday - Sunday: Go faster, vibrate, get creative

When you want more, hotter, more intense experiences, speed up your breathing. When it gets too hot
and you get too close to orgasm, slow down.

As you go faster, you will probably lose control over the subtle complexities we practiced so
far - clench on exhale etc. Don't bother, it's completely fine.

One nice trick is to flex and relax the thighs and the PC faster, along with the breath. At
some point, you can go into a kind of "vibrating" movement which can feel tremendously
wonderful.

You can also try engaging the muscles for a longer time.

Try stretching out your legs or spreading them.

Get creative, experiment with it all!

For example, try flexing on the inhale rather than the exhale. How does that feel? Personally,
I found out that the other way around feels better, but we're all different -- maybe this is
better for you.

Be sure to hit me with some feedback if you care to. You can mail me at betlamed@gmail.com, or drop a comment here on the blog!

Have fun!

Betlamed's wager

You may hear that meditation makes people more calm and happy. You may also hear that it opens the gateway to a demonic dimension and turns people into hell-bound zombies.

Say you rather believe the first one of those claims. So you try it out for yourself. You meditate for a few weeks, every day, and you find it helpful.

Do you know from this that the second claim, the one about hell-hounds, was not true? No, you don't. You place a bet on it. You use your own experience, your intuition, the feedback from your friends, and whatever information you find online and in books, to evaluate your chances.

So, now you feel like you might be about to really, truly, ultimately let go of your ego. Let's assume for a bit that this is actually correct (which it usually tends not to be). So you might turn into an amoral evil being, or into a vegetable, because you lost whatever it was that kept you sane. Or you might walk into the light and become a buddha.

All your experience might tell you that you should do that final step. You might have meditated all your life. You know stuff. You've... seeeen things.... us people wouldn't believe... You might be close to death, so it probably doesn't matter anyway.

But this is still a bet. There is still a chance that you are wrong. The christians might be right, or who knows, maybe the scientologists. You do not know that.

All you can do, is trust your experience, and train your intellect to reject superstition and irrationality, and give things a try if you think that they might be worthwhile.

Above all, know that you could be wrong.

Physical Self-Love Meditation: Week 5 - Visualize the energy going all around

Monday - Wednesday: Visualize the energy going all around

Do your meditation as usual.

Practice what you learned so far.

Imagine the erotic energy from your prostate/anus running through your spine, up into your heart, then down again into your belly.

Thursday - Sunday: Visualize the energy going back into your genitals

Do your meditation as usual.

Practice what you learned so far.

Imagine the erotic energy from your prostate/anus running through your spine, up into your heart, then down again, into your genitals.

Find out how this feels, as opposed to guiding it into the belly. Which is more intense? Which is more arousing? Do both have their place? Do you prefer one over the other?

Physical Self-Love Meditation: Week 4 - Visualize the Energy

Monday - Sunday:

Do your meditation as usual.    

Practice what you learned so far.

Imagine the erotic energy from your prostate/anus running through your spine, up into your heart.

Physical Self-Love Meditation: Week 3 - Let go of ejaculation

Monday: Let go of orgasm

From now on, for the rest of the course, you will stay away from ejaculating through
masturbation.

If you are in a relationship (or otherwise sexually active with others) and would prefer
to continue having sex, by all means do so. Of course, if you like, you can involve your
partners, maybe they want to take part and create their own routine...

It will happen still. If it does, enjoy it. This is not about perfectionism,
self-torture (except if you are into that of course), or about morals - this is about
realizing that the other way is as enjoyable, or even better, than the "getting-off"
type of masturbation that you were used to.

If you feel that you just have to, and the urge becomes unbearable, please just go for
it, and resume the routine on the next day.

It is very helpful to reduce your fantasies. You cannot force this, as fantasies just get
stronger if you push them away. This is where meditation comes in. It helps you
let go of the images.

Tuesday: No erection needed.

Meditate as usual.

Start your physical self-love.

Do touch yourself, but stop touching yourself whenever you have a full erection.

Aim for being flaccid most of the time.

How does it feel to touch your flaccid penis? How is it different from touching your
fully erect penis? What does it do to your psyche, your spirit? How does it feel in your body?

Wednesday: Flex PC on exhale

Meditate as usual.

Start your physical self-love.

Work with a flaccid penis.

On every exhale, flex your PC muscle.

Thursday: Relax on every inhale

Meditate as usual.

Start your physical self-love.

On every inhale, relax as much as possible. Imagine that you're "pushing out" the energy through the penis.

On every exhale, pull in your abdominal wall towards your spine

Friday: Engage your inner thighs

Meditate as usual.

Start your physical self-love.

On every inhale, relax as much as possible.

On every exhale, clench your inner thigh muscles.

Saturday: Combine PC and abdominal pull

Meditate as usual.

Start your physical self-love.

On the inhale, relax everything, push out through the penis.

On the exhale, pull in your abdominal wall and clench your PC muscle.

Sunday: Combine the muscle clenches

Meditate as usual.

Start your physical self-love.

On the inhale, relax everything, push out through the penis.

On the exhale, pull in your abdominal wall, clench your thighs, and clench your PC muscle.

Do you choose suffering?

Let us assume, for the moment, that you can escape all suffering by applying mindfulness. (I don't necessarily believe that, but I'll leave those details aside for now.)

You could then set up the following syllogism:

P1. You can escape suffering through mindfulness.

P2. You do not practice mindfulness.

C: Therefore, you choose to suffer.

With some malice, you can rephrase the conclusion:

C: Therefore, your suffering is your own fault.

Err, no.

That ignores one very important factor: You first have to know that there is indeed a way to mitigate suffering. You have to realize that mindfulness can help you. More than that, it is not enough to hear about it - you don't grasp its potential until you realize it from your own practice. And that comes at a huge cost: Time and patience.

Most of our culture, almost all of tv and youtube, all our upbringing teaches us the exact opposite: There is suffering, and you escape it by steadfastly ignoring it, or otherwise by bitching about it and blaming others. And benefits have to be immediate, or they are irrelevant.

In other words, the above syllogism ignores that you do not know about mindfulness, and it takes time and dedication to find out about it, and your ignorance is not your fault. For most of us (including yours truly), this means that we had to hit rock bottom before we were prepared to learn about practice.

Of course, now that I have practiced for a few years, I no longer have the excuse of ignorance. I still blame others, and I still blame myself, and I still do mindless stupid stuff - but each time I realize what I'm doing, I try and laugh a bit about my own stupidity, get back up and do some sitting.

Physical Self-Love Meditation: Week 2 - Go Slow

Monday - Wednesday: Reduce your fantasies

Meditate. Make it 20 minutes if possible, but any duration is good.

Do 5 minutes of PC muscle exercise right after your meditation.

Masturbate for a while without ejaculation. Try and focus on your physical feelings, rather than fantasizing.

Now, switch those fantasies into high gear. Take note of the difference, how it changes
your arousal and your ability to keep from ejaculating.

As you come, take note of what muscles are involved in it -- where those delicious, involuntary little spasms occur. Thighs? Anal sphincter? Toes? Belly? ... Take note of them all.

Thursday - Sunday: A new kind of caressing

Meditate. Make it 20 minutes if possible, but any duration is good.

Do 5 minutes of PC muscle exercise right after your meditation.

Integrate your PC muscle exercise into your daily life. You can do them every time you go to the bathroom. You can even do them in the subway, on the ride to the office!

Start your masturbation like you normally do.

Use lube freely. Don't stint it.

Instead of going straight for the head, stroke only the shaft of your penis. Avoid the head as much as possible.

Go as slow as possible, and try not to ejaculate, but if it happens, it happens.

You might feel disappointed or as if you're losing out. Don't worry -- the adventures that lie ahead will more than compensate for that.

BDSM: So you REALLY want to make your sub suffer, huh? (NSFW, very very VERY NSFW!!!!)

Danger danger danger. NSFW, very very VERY NSFW sadomasostuff ahead!!!! Danger danger danger.

You have been warned.

Here's your sub's new diet, for one week:

SUNDAY

• Breakfast: Porridge, made of water and oats and nothing else, prepared the night before and served at room temperature.
• Lunch: Roasted, unsalted nuts and seeds. Sugar free, low-fat yoghurt
• Dinner: Steamed potatoes. Add assorted body liquids to taste. No salt or spices or anything else.

MONDAY

• Breakfast: Porridge, made of water and oats and nothing else, prepared the night before and served at room temperature.
• Lunch: Steamed brokkoli and brussels sprouts. No salt or spices or anything else of the kind.
• Dinner: Mixed salads, with lemon juice for a dressing. No salt or spices or vinegar or oil or anything else of the kind.

TUESDAY

• Breakfast: Porridge, made of water and oats and nothing else, prepared the night before and served at room temperature.
• Lunch: Steamed mixed vegetables. No salt or spices or anything else of the kind.
• Dinner: Steamed potatoes. Add assorted body liquids to taste. No salt or spices or anything else.

WEDNESDAY

• Breakfast: Porridge, made of water and oats and nothing else, prepared the night before and served at room temperature.
• Lunch: Sugar free, low-fat yoghurt, one apple, one grapefruit.
• Dinner: Steamed lean beef. Add assorted body liquids to taste. No salt or spices or anything else.

THURSDAY

• Breakfast: Porridge, made of water and oats and nothing else, prepared the night before and served at room temperature.
• Lunch: Raw vegetable sticks (from cucumbers and carrots). No salt or spices or anything else of the kind.
• Dinner: A bowl of rice. No salt or spices or anything else.

FRIDAY

• Breakfast: Porridge, made of water and oats and nothing else, prepared the night before and served at room temperature. 
• Lunch: Steamed chicken breast.
• Dinner: Steamed lean fish. Add assorted body liquids to taste. No salt or spices or anything else of the kind.

SATURDAY

• Breakfast: porridge, made of water and oats and nothing else, prepared the night before and served at room temperature.
• Lunch: A bowl of steamed peas, carrots, and potatoes, prepared the night before and served at room temperature.
• Dinner: If they made it, a full-blown steak dinner at a fancy restaurant of the sub's choosing, top's treat. (Otherwise, you're single again, so don't bother.)

For drinks, we offer a rich assortment of tap water, stale weak instant coffee (without milk or sugar), various sorts of stale herbal tea, or pomegranate juice, mixed 1:5 with - you guessed it! - tap water.

After that week, I'm sure they'll beg for your mercy, they'll swear to do everything right, and they'll never again forget the groceries, ever. They'll also have lost about 5 pounds.

Or else, they might go on a 4 week water fast, gain enlightenment, and leave you.

Just in case it's not obvious enough, this is a joke. Do not radically change people's diets willy-nilly, especially not if they are diabetics such as myself, or otherwise deal with chronic illness. A person's diet is nothing to meddle with. I just enjoyed making it up, that's all.

With that disclaimer out of the way, frankly this sounds like a pretty healthy, though not exactly tasty diet for one week. I might give it a try at some point, with a few adjustments for my diabetes, and sans the body liquids.

I stopped worrying about god, and you should too

https://xkcd.com/386/

For a long time, I was one of those pesky "New Atheists", fervently denying that that label had any significance (it doesn't), arguing rationalism on social media and defending against all types of fallacies.

This blog is a testament to that: See the labels atheism, bible, catholicism.

By the end of 2017, I changed.

What happened?

I rediscovered meditation and molded it into a serious formal habit.

I discovered stoicism and integrated it with my meditation.

I restarted my solo tantric activities.

As a result of all that, I took what I like to call the "sacred STFU vows". That means that I try to not engage in any debates, unless I have something useful to contribute.

There are two parts to this:

I try not to engage in any debates...

I don't debate my colleagues on their political views.

I rarely intervene on online forums about theism and atheism.

I don't even look at youtube comments anymore.

I basically logged off facebook, looking at it maybe once a week.

(Reddit remains my addiction of choice. I haven't given up on that one yet... probably will, later this year.)

There are challenges.

When a friend puts his antifeminism to me, I would like to stay calm, maybe react in a compassionate way, but not kindle the fire. What really happens is that, in person, I do engage in the discussion -- especially if there are beers involved -- while online, I don't react at all. Both are not exactly optimal. I'm working on it.

What I have gained by all that is more clarity, less useless outrage, a certain kind of "proud humility" and better insight into what matters.

What I mean by "proud humility" is the realization that I don't have to proclaim my wisdom all the time. I know what I know, I know what I believe, and if I keep it to myself for the time being, the world will revolve around itself just as it did before. Sounds humble? Well, it is also disciplined, and I take pride in my discipline.

It made me realize that I don't HAVE to engage all the time. I can refrain from it. I can click that link about money and sexual energy, then feel my gut reaction of "Durr, have to comment, have to destroy, krurrr murrrr", and let it go. There is incredible freedom in that ability. And it can be trained. All it takes is an act of nonaction.

Now, for the second part of my vow... "unless I have something useful to contribute".

Note that I did not say "something positive". There is an important distinction here.  Criticism, even negative criticism, has its place.

Of course, I can't always resist. I do comment. Way less than before, but I sometimes do.

My goal is to comment only when I feel there is no anger, and much compassion instead.

These past weeks, I had a few moments when I was there. I think those of my comments were worthwile. They make me proud. They might have helped people. And that is just a very, very good feeling.

As for god... I'm not sure. Maybe I'm not that advanced yet. I still feel a bit of frustration sometimes. But mostly, I have come to realize that those debates are utterly useless; tired old repetitions of the same 5 or 6 arguments, again and again. I'm not up for that anymore. I have better things to do.

So, should atheists refrain from debating christians?

In general, no. We are a social species, we need to communicate. But social media have made all that quabbling and quibbling and railing and wailing get way out of hand.

You need to put yourself back in the driver's seat.

If you feel that you might have gotten too far into #someone_s_wrong_on_the_internet territory, I suggest you take some time off. Get some distance.  Gain perspective.  Become aware of the emotions you put into those debates.  Ask yourself, what emotions do you want to experience? Ask yourself, what happens to you in those debates?  Ask yourself whether those two line up.  If they don't, it might be time for a change in strategy.

Physical Self-Love Meditation: Overview

Over the last 15 years or so, I developed my own little "method" of (somewhat) tantric self-love from meditation, tantra, taoist teachings and my own experience. Whenever I try to describe my method online, I get the feedback that it is terribly complicated. Too many elements, too much to think of.

I agree!  But I can't pick it apart. All the elements work together to create the kind of bliss I now get to experience on a daily basis. My life is better for it, I would like to share it, but I realize that it can be overwhelming at first. So I set out to create a course which will guide you in adding element after element, one by one. I'm putting it out there on this blog, for the time being. Eventually, I hope to turn this into a well-structured website with additional information on my sources and links to more knowledge. Maybe an ebook, maybe a gofondme, we'll see...

I wrote this for guys (i.e., beings with a penis, whatever you prefer to be called), for the simple reason that I am a guy, I don't have a woman's body, and I have not much knowledge of how it works for women.

Here are the links to the weekly pages, as far as already posted:

• Introduction 
• Week 1: Establish mindfulness
• Week 2: Go slow
• Week 3: Let go of orgasm  
• Week 4: Visualize the energy
• Week 5: Let it go all around  
• Week 6: Have fun!

For feedback or questions, email me at betlamed@gmail.com.

Physical Self-Love Meditation: Week 1 - Establish Mindfulness

This week, you will still be in "normal masturbation" mode. You will ejaculate at the end of your self-love. We just add a few little gimmicks to prepare you for what's to come next.

Monday: Assess where you are right now

Get into a calm state. Meditate, or take a bath, whatever helps you.

Switch off your mobile, make sure you will not be interrupted.

If you don't have it already, buy some quality lube. It makes a lot of difference.

Prepare your masturbation ritual. Fetch the lube, if you use it, prepare the tissues,

Make your bed - whatever you need to be comfortable.

Masturbate as you usually do.

While masturbating, take note of all your feelings, your fantasies, the way you use your hand, what gets you off. As you approach orgasm, what muscles can you feel? Do you feel something in your belly? In your feet? Do you curl your toes? Does your skin tingle? Is there warmth, cold? Do you make noises? Take note of all those things.

Tuesday: Locate your PC muscle, and start training it

Instead of describing it myself, I give you a few links to a good resource.

How to find your PC muscle: https://www.liveabout.com/how-do-i-find-my-pc-muscle-2983274
PC muscle exercises: https://www.liveabout.com/how-to-do-kegel-exercises-2982440

That site recommends NOT engaging the abdomen. I think this is a good idea if you're trying to isolate the muscle, but as you'll see, I use the abdominal wall very consciously in my practice. If in doubt, find the difference and find what works best for you.

Wednesday - Sunday: Meditate, masturbate, feel

Meditate. Make it 20 minutes if possible, but any duration is good.

This is not a contest. It's not about meditating as much as possible. In my experience, a certain "switch" occurs at roughly 20 minutes. But meditation thrives by repetition, regularity -- it's better to meditate for 5 minutes each day, than for 2 hours at irregular intervals.

Why meditate?

In the context of physical self-love, meditation helps us establish mindfulness. When we are mindful, we feel our body and its reactions. Ths is the very foundation... We learn how not to cross the line, how to distinguish orgasm from ejaculation, how to feel orgasmic ecstasy even when there is no sex involved.

Do 5 minutes of PC muscle exercise right after the meditation.

Masturbate as normal. Feel the erotic energy running through in your body while you're doing so. Try to feel your Point of No Return, but don't try to delay ejaculation.

Physical Self-Love Meditation: Introduction

What is the goal of this course?

Over the last 15 years or so, I developed my own little "method" of (somewhat) tantric self-love from meditation, tantra, taoist teachings and my own experience. Whenever I try to describe my method online, I get the feedback that it is terribly complicated. Too many elements, too much to think of.

I agree!  But I can't pick it apart. All the elements work together to create the kind of bliss I now get to experience on a daily basis. My life is better for it, I would like to share it, but I realize that it can be overwhelming at first. So I set out to create a course which will guide you in adding element after element, one by one. I'm putting it out there on this blog, for the time being. Eventually, I hope to turn this into a well-structured website with additional information on my sources and links to more knowledge. Maybe an ebook, maybe a gofondme, we'll see...

I wrote this for guys (i.e., beings with a penis, whatever you prefer to be called), for the simple reason that I am a guy, I don't have a woman's body, and I have not much knowledge of how it works for women.

What are the benefits?

You will last longer in bed. More importantly, you will be a better lover.

You will feel more energetic throughout the day.

You will be able to create bliss in your body on the spot, wherever you are.

Preparation

Set aside the time you need - 25 minutes in the beginning, extending to an hour by the end.

I assume that the exercises are performed in the nude, in the bed or on the floor or on some other nice, soft, warm flat survice, comfortably lying on your back.

I recommend that you check out a habit and goal tracking app such as "7 Weeks", or a similar app. It really helps you keep control of your new habits.

Meditation and mindfulness are key. If you omit the meditation, I'm sure you get something out of it, but probably not the most you can get, so I suggest you give it a try.

The course is intended as a daily exercise lasting for six weeks. Of course, you can spread those any way you like, only doing one unit per week or whatever suits you. I'm all for regular, disciplined practice. The amount of time, in my experience, is secondary to that discipline.

Mode of publication

I will publish the course materials once per week, over the next six weeks, on this blog, every monday. I will put links to the segments for each week in this posting.

Disclaimer

I made some bold promises up there, and I base them on nothing but my own knowledge and experience. I am not a doctor. If this does not work for you, for whatever reason at all, please stop it, and go look for something else. If you are in psychotherapy or have medical issues, please discuss any lifestyle change with your MD or therapist before you move in.

Oh those nofappers!

Sometimes, when I read a posting over at /r/nofap, I get a strong urge to weep for the people there.

I can only talk from my own experience, of course.

In my mind, repressing an unwanted thought does not work, not at all.

It is like hacking off one of the heads of the Hydra. And then the next two that grew back. And the next four. And then the next eight...

It is just a thought. It has no evil magic powers. You are the only one who gives it any power it has over you.

Accept it. Let it pass through you. Wave goodbye, and let it go.

My "method"

I was asked to describe my "method" of solo tantra ("edging"/"masturbation"/nonejaculatory orgasm...) over on /r/EdgingTalk.

I should probably give a little context: I went through several different stages over ~15 years. I initially started out with bdsm/chastity. Then I got into tantra, then buddhist meditation, throw in a lot of reading, and out of all that, came my little "method".

I'll give you the executive summary first:

• Breathe deep into the stomach
• Get aroused
• Use PC muscles
• Synch muscle clenches and breathing
• Use your focus 

Now for the gritty details:

I meditate daily, and I do at least some workout every day. I think this helps a lot.

I take at least an hour for the whole exercise.

I lay down, sometimes I lube up, and I do stroke the penis. I actually do go for the penis tip mostly, but I have a specific kind of stroke that works for me, it's not an up and down motion, more like a little massage. I am very aware of how soft or strong I go with this. Whenever I get hard, I stop the stroking. The way I do it, by now I simply know that it won't get me over the point of no return, but I guess everyone has to figure that out for himself.

Sometimes I stop the stroking altogether, not to avoid anything, but to feel the inner motions more strongly. I believe a lot of this has to do with focus, more than anything.

I avoid sexual imagery. It gets me over the edge fast, so I don't fantasize. Again, I think it's focus that matters most.

I focus on my breath, on my spine, on my prostate... I try to pull the focus away from the penis as much as I can.

I breathe deep into the stomach.

On the inhale, I try to completely relax the PC muscle, and I try to "push out" through the penis, as if there was sperm in there, as if an orgasm was already building up. I also clench the inner thighs, like one does in orgasm.

On the exhale, I clench the PC muscle, and I pull the stomach in as if I wanted to push out all the air. I find that combination very intense.

I change speeds, and I allow myself to be loud, moaning and groaning like in real sex. The vibration from the sounds somehow intensifies things even more.

I imagine the "orgasm energy" moving up the spine, mostly into my heart, and sometimes down again into the abdomen or even back into the genitals. I think those variations make very subtle differences.

Sometimes, when things get very intense, I completely clench my PC muscle for a while as hard as possible, or I kind of "vibrate" it, which I imagine is like a prostate massage of sorts.

Well, and that's it.

The most important part is not to expect a big "orgasm" that somehow ends it. It's more like orgasmic waves washing over me, again and again and again. It's a "the less you expect, the more you get" kind of deal. It's absolutely delicious.

The only downside is that there is no natural "endpoint", so I have to make a conscious decision to stop it, and that is really hard. But one cannot go on doing this all day, lol, and also, be advised that there may be surprisingly sore muscles after that exercise! It's all basically a stealth workout, hehe!

You don't need to edge!

For quite I while, my tantric practice was about getting close to the edge, but not fall over. That was a good thing, but recently I've been more into practicing on a lower level of arousal  - usually without even an erection.

I think there are several advantages:

The idea of orgasm as a final goal vanishes.

I do not have to worry, or be vigilant about cumming. That bugged me a bit in the past - I want to relax into pleasure, not have to force things.

A flaccid penis is more sensitive than an erect penis, leading to deeper pleasure.

These are different kinds of orgasmic states. I wouldn't necessarily call them orgasms per se, but they are deeply pleasurable, and they lead to a kind of general higher energy states, which is close to horniness, but not quite as urgent. Very enjoyable!

Sex is always meaningful

I don't believe that "meaningless sex" exists.

You might reject the connection that sex creates, you might try and minimize it by making the experience anonymous and short. But you cannot escape the simple fact that those endorphins will be released into your blood, changing your mood and possibly creating bonding.

I'm not saying that casual sex is a bad thing, or that one night stands are immoral, or any of that.

Even that short, quick encounter is still an encounter between (I hope!) adult, consenting human beings. It's an act of communication. Communication bears meaning.

Sex is inherently meaningful. It's as simple as that.

That does not mean that it has an inherent glorious, "spiritual", metaphysical meaning. It can just be fun, and that is fine, if it is what you're after.

We should not let the religious right or other conservative groups occupy the idea of meaningful sex. What happens is that people distinguish "meaningful, monogamous, godly sex" from "meaningless, fast, yucky sex out of wedlock", and then move to discriminate against those who practice the wrong kind. I do not accept that distinction.

There is always meaning.

Deepity deepity derp derp!

If enlightenment exists, it is impossible to attain.

If there is a path, it does not lead to enlightenment.

If enlightenment does not exist, then there may be a path that leads to it.

Why I abandoned meditation

This is part of my ongoing series of sermons to myself. Feel welcome to listen in, but don't feel obliged to think that anything I say is not ridiculous.

I started meditation back in, I think, 2003 to overcome my major depression. It worked. I got into zen buddhism.

I completely abandoned meditation, I dunno, around 2010. I did some informal practice in between, but only got back to a real, regular practice in 2017. I've become very serious about it since last fall, and I'm rather convinced that things will stay that way. (One does get older and a bit more stable over the years.)

I stand by my choice to have left the practice. It was a necessary step for me, and I think my current practice is probably in a way "better" for it.

So why did I leave?

I felt I was losing some desires and strong motivations which I wanted to keep.

I was steeped in buddhist ideas and metaphysics, my skeptical mind started rejecting all that. It was impossible to keep up the practice while going through that rejection process. That process turned out to have been very important for me.

It was impossible to maintain the practice, while criticising behaviour in others. Back then, I wasn't quite aware of it, but right now, I think that that is one big issue in my practice, and I think there was some intuition about it back then, too.

We do live in a world. I live in a democratic country. I am supposed to have opinions, and I think I should have opinions. Stuff is going on in my family, I am called to take sides, and I cannot easily just abandon them to have my beloved inner peace.

I find it very challenging to reconcile my practice, developing empathy, being with what is, while at the same time being aware that some things are hurtful, destructive, unwise, unskillful.

To me, that is where stoicism comes in. It helps me try and phrase my objections to actions instead of people, and to try and find formulations that are not hurtful. I find that one very simple, non-"spiritual", woo-free, pragmatic question very helpful: What is really under my control? Your actions are not under my control. If you decide to do something that I find immoral, then you sure have your reasons for it. But I can help you decide what actions to take, if you are prepared to listen.

If I encounter a situation where I think I must object, I will not try not to voice my objection. That would violate my ethics. I will not even try to be especially soft or persuasive about it. I will just try to be as logical as possible, laying my arguments out on the table; and I will try to let go of the idea that I can make the other person act or think the way I want.

Meditation and Mindfulness

People often describe mindfulness as "paying attention to whatever is happening in the now".



I think that this is a good example of how describing things from one's own experience, and then encoding them in religion, can lead to unfortunate results. (On the other hand, if you would like to preserve some "knowledge" that you deem worthy at ca 500 BC, man, what'cha gonna do?)

After all, when you're completely absorbed in your "monkey mind", then that's what you experience here and now, isn't it?

Just a few scattered remarks:

1) Mindfulness does feel like "paying attention to the here and now" to me - kinda/sorta.

2) Meditation is not the same as mindfulness. When we define mindfulness as above, then meditation might be the training ground. We practice a very specific (and deceptively simple) type of focus. This leads you away from identifying with your thoughts all the time, from being driven by that hodgepodge of melodramatic and emotional self-talk that (yes! from my experience, definitely yes!) we all engage in all the time. It makes sense to think that this leads you to a calmer mind (many people attest to that), which in turn might enable you to see things more like they really are (many people think that this is the case)... but is that necessarily true? Ugh. I don't know.

3) It is certainly true that whatever I experience now, including every thought, is precisely the "here and now", so why go look for it elsewhere? (There are people who think that liberation lies in realizing precisely this... look up "advaita vedanta" and nondualism.) But there is also the strange fact that we can look at our own thoughts from the outside, which is, in a way, what we do in meditation. So, maybe, we just build up an alternative way to look at ourselves, which might be practical or not, but probably can't hurt as long as you don't obsess over it.

4) Obsessing over it, ascribing way too much to it is one big mistake that is made all to often in "spiritual" flowery-powery newey-agey circles. And in buddhist circles, I guess. Some people do think that there is super-power in enlightenment.

5) Many people get into meditation by way of religion, often buddhist or hindu. Even without it, there are often "spiritual" overtones. So people go into it with certain expectations, and what they get out, unsurprisingly, tends to coincide with those. (Rare is the buddhist who got converted to Islam by her daily meditations. Not that they don't exist, I'm sure there are a few...)

6) "Seeing things for what they really are" can have a very specific meaning in buddhism which does not necessarily have a lot to do with "being in the here and now".

7) I do know that I am way less anxious, way more focused if I meditate regularly. I think I'm friendlier, and I definitely engage in fewer online fights. It is easier to eat good healthy food now, and I do my daily workout with joy instead of resistance. So, yeeey. (Could be shared cause instead of direct causation, of course.) I cannot deny that I sometimes think about "enlightenment", I do sooo like to dabble in half-buddhist thought, and sure would like to attain "it" - but I'm reasonably certain that that is bullshit, the brain does not allow for it, and one should give up on nirvana or anything of that kind.

8) I reject reincarnation, karma, and all that junk.

9) My favourite expression for my own goal wrt meditation is: I want to stop falling for my own bullshit. I have the impression that it does actually work.

10) If you want to try it, try it. If you don't, don't. If you try it, and it works, keep it. If you try it, and it doesn't work, then stop trying it and look for something else.

11) Enlightenment is shit on a stick.

A breakdown of multiple orgasms for men

This is the best, most systematic writeup of the topic I have seen so far, totally void of woo or religious wordgames.

https://www.nateliason.com/multiple-orgasms-men/

Here are the key points:

• There are four types of orgasm:
• Ejaculatory orgasm (EO)
• Non-ejaculatory orgasm (NEO)
• Prolongued non-ejaculatory orgasm (PNEO)
• Prostate orgasm (PO)
• Step one: Ejaculatory control
• You should be comfortable masturbating for 10+ minutes with constant stimulation (not having to stop and start a ton of times).
• Step two: Kegel exercises
• In order to stop yourself from ejaculating, you need to develop a strong PC muscle.
• Step three: Daily practice
• Set aside 20+ minutes each night to masturbate and work on it.
• Don't use porn.
• Step four: Separate orgasm from ejaculation
• Orgasm is not caused by ejaculating, rather it normally happens in sync with and actually slightly before ejaculating.
• Separate them for just a second by squeezing the penis.
• Step five: Your first NEO
• Work yourself up to a peak, and bring yourself down. Up and down.
• Step six: Intensify your NEOs
• Unlike a regular EO (ejaculatory orgasm), an NEO isn’t immediately extremely pleasurable, it’s something you have to build up to through practice.
• Step seven: The  prolongued NEO (PNEO)
• "Chain" your orgasms together for very long orgasms.

You can find all the details, plus a lot more information on the website I linked above, so be sure to visit it!

Accepting your sex fantasies can tame them

I am a guy in his 40s.  I have vague memories of a time when I was obsessed with sexual fantasies. I was young, immature, insecure, and I fapped off twice a day. I fantasised about bdsm-y things long before the internet, back in 1987 or so, and I was scared shitless.

I got into the bdsm scene around 2000. I lived out a bit of my fantasies, but the reality was rather frustrating: There was little action, my relationships were semi-functional, my fantasies were still rather obsessive.

Then I got into meditation, and, making a very long story (that involved many fights and struggles) very short, I learned two things:

1) You can let your fantasies glide through you, accepting that they come and go, not holding on to what you can't keep anyway.

2) You can enjoy your fantasies for what they are, instead of trying to make them come true; another way to look at this is that they are true, just not in physical reality, but inside your head.

I am now in a committed, "vanilla", monogamous, and very happy relationship. I have been for five years, so it's decidedly not just "new relationship enthusiasm". I never cheated, and I don't think I ever will. I sometimes fantasize about dick, but in all likelihood, I will never go through with that. And that is completely fine.  I don't think I prioritize the relationship. I don't give up one thing for another.

I often put my fantasies into sex stories. That's the only obsessive aspect that's left -- I have a hard time writing non-perverted material. I always end up incorporating some form of bdsm. But I have the impression that this is slowly gravitating towards a healthy form of integration, in which bdsm and non-consensual perverted sex are just parts of the story along with character development and compelling plots.

I think that many people have a dogma that sexual fantasies have to be lived out, or else they become obsessive or destructive. I think that this is wrong. They become obsessive when you desire them to be what they are not -- reality -- and you can't have that for whatever reason. So there are two things you can change, in order to become happier: You can make your fantasies real, or you can change that desire.

To be sure, if there is a good way to go for it, and nobody gets hurt, then that is wonderful, and I'm the last person to discourage you. Nobody should ever try to forcefully keep you from living out your fantasies! Sometimes, it's simply a good idea. Other times, it's not.

Of course, a lot of what I'm saying is probably down to getting older, and the hormone change that implies. There is a strong bias (I forget its name) to overestimate the influence of one's actions, and disregard pure circumstance. And I never performed any scientific studies to back up my claim, so take this with a huge grain of salt and check it against your own experiences!

TL;DR: Accepting is not the same thing as living out a fantasy. Accepting it is way more important. Often, when you do either thing, the other stops being an issue. So the question to solve is, which one is easier.