Diary of a nofap streak - Day 6: Skepticism

It is true that I feel exhilarated. Thursday night still lingers with me, and while my wife and I momentarily don't get to see each other as much as we'd like due to life throwing stuff at us, when we do see each other there's a spark.

Last night was stressful and strenuous, we had new ikea furniture to unpack, an essential part was missing, we ended up falling into bed late at night... I still got up early this morning, I already got a bit of writing done and it isn't even noon --  which never ever happens on a saturday! Keeping the chaste is incredibly easy right now. There is no temptation. The horniness I feel, mostly in my prostate, is breathed throughout the body, and it all feels very good, even blissful.

So - win for the streak team right? Nofap works! Benefits are real! Semen contains the energy! If you preserve it, your skin will start to glow! Scientists in the 19th century said so, as well as hindu gurus from 3000 years ago!

Well... yeah, no. Really, no.

I actually keep a habits diary (of my own coding, hehe). My current streak of writing and increased productivity began BEFORE the chastity. So if anything, the productivity boost enabled the semen-retention, not the other way around. It is easier to allow myself the pleasurable feelings because I know I'm more productive, so I can grant myself some time just enjoying. Not to mention that there's a holiday coming up, I'm a bit more relaxed with my day job -- after 18 months, I just know how to deal with it better. Plus, I've been through chastity streaks before, I know what's in store, and that makes it easier to deal with.

It all goes back to my "spiral theory". It doesn't matter much WHERE you start to change, as long as you do. Positive change in one place almost inevitably triggers positive change all over.

I should also mention that it's not entirely true that ALL has changed for the better. I eat terrible food right now because of our interior redesign and because my back is in a terrible shape, so standing up is painful, and cooking is not an option. All of this will be dealt with of course -

Why am I going on about this? Because I know how easy it is to fall into the trap of wishful thinking: "I made this one change, I stopped wanking, around which, let's admit it, we all have some shame - and now my life is entirely different, I feel so much bliss - so I'm going to draw the conclusion that it's the nofap that causes all that change, and then I will steadfastly refuse to take in any more information, and I will be a rightful semenretention apologist, and everybody who has doubts is a cumhead and a notorious wanker and can just bugger off." I think that this is destructive, hurtful and bound to fail. One reason for writing this diary, is to present a somewhat better, more scrutinous, more careful and skeptical way of going about a nofap/sr streak.

Still, I gotta say... The best sex of my life happened on thursday, and it was anorgasmic (for me) and multiple-orgasmic (for my wife). There is undoubtedly something to that, at least if you're a denial-craving subbie like me.

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Reddit thread: https://www.reddit.com/r/Joyful_Chastity/comments/huosv1/getting_back_into_chastity/

Diary of a nofap streak - Day 5: Euphoria

This is the day I feel absolutely amped up, high-voltage, blissful and exhilarated.

Last night, my wife and I went out to dinner. I drank a few beers and a good Laphroaig Quarter Cask. We went home. We were both hungry for each other, horny and starved for each other.

Yeah, slightly drunken sex after 4 days of chastity. Sounds like a winner, right!

We started our normal routine. I gave her head. I love love love her smell and taste! Only, this time, it was different... I was so focused, so devoted to the act... normally, after an orgasm, my wife wants me to give her a little while to settle down because her clit is too sensitive for any more action. This time, it was possible to rest my tongue on her lovely clit, and after a little while I gently started moving again.

After three orgasms, she had enough. I asked her if she wanted me inside her, she said yes, I fucked her.

For whatever reason, this time I managed with ease what normally eludes me, or at least requires enormous effort and focus. I moved in her, we enjoyed moments of intense intimacy and pleasure, then I thanked her and moved out again, and we cuddled for a while.

It was glorious and wonderful, and so satisfying!

Anorgasmic sex during a period of chastity is simply the best, I tells ya!

What I enjoy most about this is how it makes for more intimacy, better connection. I don't think it's the horniness alone (which makes me more motivated and eager for sure!). There is something else. A deepness. A richness. An abundance. Knowing I won't come takes some burden off my shoulders. It makes me feel free to explore, take my time, be relaxed. I really dig this.

I also have to say: As always after a few days, I feel like I want this to go on for a long time, possibly forever. Never cumming again, always being in that horny, elevated state, eager to please and focused on my wife.

Feelings come and go. Things change. Life happens. This is okay. This is to be expected. For the time being, I am utterly enjoying this. We'll see how long it lasts.

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Reddit thread: https://www.reddit.com/r/Joyful_Chastity/comments/huosv1/getting_back_into_chastity/

Enhanced Sensuality through Abstinence

Last week, I engaged on a higly reduced diet, led by my partner.

On top of no orgasms and enthusiastic obedience to all my Lady's whims, I was not allowed any porn, and I had to ask permission to use any kind of erotic media. To facilitate this, I blocked all reddit images, and I set my search preferences to "moderate safe-search". Despite my long-running habit of neotantric ejaculation-free self love, I abstained from even that, just to be on the safe side.

By the end of the week, I felt exhilarated, liberated and excited. Women on the street appeared more sexy. Beauty appeared more intense. My Lady was an adorable, unfathomably and dangerously beautiful goddess, even moreso than she always is. The need for bare breasts evaporated and made way for an appreciation of faces and gestures and movements and forms.

The world of nofap

As a person involved in western neotantra, bdsm chastity games, and some other stuff, I lurk on some subreddits such as /r/nofap, /r/pornfree, and  /r/semenretention.

I have struggled for quite some time to get clear on the differences between the apparent majority opinion on those subs, and my own way of thinking.

There is the nagging suspicion of a covert religious agenda. There is a slew of irrational pseudoscience, of course. There is an odd kind of team-spirit. There is a focus on long-running streaks, the longer the better. There is a promise of superpowers that I don't believe in.

All of that is not the core issue.

The core difference

People on /r/nofap try to achieve freedom through abstinence from sensuality.

I try to find enhanced sensuality through abstinence.

If both of those sound strange to you, I absolutely understand. If you buy into the western narrative of ongoing "sexual revolution" and indiviudalism expressed via sexuality, then all of this sounds strange, by necessity.

The western idea of individualistic sensuality

I'm building on those western values as a foundation. In fact, I am, as a person, infused with them, built on top of them. They are built into my being. I grew up in the 1970s and 80s, after all. I was formed by a deeply indivudalist, (post-)sexual-revolution society.

There is, obviously, a deep-running neurotic relation to sexuality in western culture. For a long time, the idea was to catch and conquer the beast, to see sexuality as something basal and primitive one had to overcome, or else...

With the sexual revolution of the late 20th century, this idea shifted: Now, sexuality was something to appreciate and to indulge in. Everybody was free to do what they wanted in their bedrooms (except if they did not want to do anything, which made them seem odd and suspicious). Consent required, of course.

Freedom, hence, was to be expressed in the chorus of "You don't get to tell me anything, and I'mma prove it to you by watching the filthiest porn I can find, and wanking to it until my balls fall off."

There is something fundamentally wrong in both approaches.

Don't get me wrong. I do not oppose sensuality, or sexuality. They are not evil, not sinful, not addictive or bad. Wanking can make you feel good. There is no harm in it.

I do oppose, however, mindless, overindulgent "sensuality". I oppose the idea that "more equals better". I resent the perverted, twisted kind of "sensuality" that comes in the form of glossy magazine covers. I think that women twisted into yoga-esque stretches just to show off their genitals are the opposite of sensual. I think that exploitation is unsexy and sad.

In fact, I like to put this kind of "sensuality" in scare quotes, because I think it is not sensual at all. There is only a superficial similarity.

Some personal history

I got into all this, long long ago, via bdsm chastity games.

My initial motivation was not to overcome my sensuality or my sexual desire. It was the opposite: I wanted to amp it up, in order to experience the masochistic pleasure of denial. I wanted to "spice up" my sex life, and for whatever reason, chastity and "denial" was what kicked my kink.

Over the years, my goals changed, as I changed through age and experience. Instead of suffering, I found joy. Instead of "enforced" abstinence, I found moderated sensuality. In sex, I found spirituality. Underneath the kink games, I found a layer of truth.

I found deep potential in deliberate self-constraint.

We should not let this potential be monopolized my morality and religion. We should liberate it from those shackles. We should cherish our sensuality by shaping it, arranging it, enjoying it slowly, in small pieces, rather than swallowing whatever we can find, whenever we can find it. We should see moderation as a joy, not a chore.

A little tidbit from my neotantric experience

You go slow, and you achieve unfathomable bliss. You don't "overheat", and you experience endless orgasmic feelings. You stay at a low level of arousal, and it keeps you from exhausting your resources.

By not overindulging, you become more sensitive, and hence you achieve greater pleasure.

A flaccid penis is more sensitive to touch than an erect one. I don't have to tell you how to fact-check that claim.

This works on the physical level, but it works on any other level, too.

Layers of deepness

Obedience to my Lady is a form of chivalry and pure love. It is very kinky, and it is more than that. It runs deeper. There are layers to it.

This is not to say that the kink is "wrong".  The deeper layer is just another part of a greater thing, which encompasses all those layers.

There is a general principle at work here; just a bit of common sense, really, which has been known for a few thousand years: You reduce quantity to achieve quality.

You practice moderation so your excesses get even better.

You stop wanking twice a day, so whatever kind of sex you choose to have, is even more sexy.

By reducing your exposure to pornography, you become more sensitive to beauty. You may experience more sensual joy. The one partner you have in your life, may well become... not only "enough", but an unexhaustable well of wonderful experiences. By not trying to escape the bonds of monogamy through porn, you find renewed sensuality inside your relationship.

A tiny bit of buddhism

Buddhism teaches that opposition is just as binding as desire. You fight your urge -- it only becomes stronger. If you want to be free, you have to let your urges pass through. You have to somehow learn to live with them. You have to find a way to integrate them, while not being their slave. Total rejection might be one necessary step on that path, but it cannot be the ultimate goal. As long as you fight it, you are not at peace.

So again, those weird places on the net...

It seems to me that people on /r/nofap and companion subreddits come from a place of desperation. Their unability to shake their habit turns into self-loathing, and a wish to be able to eliminate it completely. Understandable, since they identify an addictive habit as the root of their issue, and they can't seem to get rid of it.

They claim supposed superpowers of irresistable attraction, so they can boost their morale and stay on track.

I'm not here to tell them otherwise.

I am here to propose an alternative view on sensuality in general.

I propose that less might actually be more. I propose that, instead of "getting rid of a nasty habit", you might be able to learn to enjoy heightened sensitivity through moderation, and the habit becomes a non-issue.

Are you a (no)fapper?

As mentioned above, I trained and practiced for many years, and I don't expect anyone to instantly "get" what I'm talking about if they're at the point where they hate themselves for their wanking; in spite of wanking off twice a day, like every other normal guy in my society, I never self-identified as a masturbation addict, and I was never into a lot of porn anyway, so I never saw an issue.

I do appreciate the difference.  I really do. The problems that those subreddits try to address, were never exactly my problems to boot.









For example, due to my training, I do not have sexual fantasies, as long as I don't want them. That's one huge advantage!

I have the subjective impression (without any hard evidence of course), that the way nofappers go about it, is only effective for a tiny minority. They don't see any other way, so the only way that presents itself, seems to be the only way forward.

It might absolutely be necessary, if you really feel you are hooked, to completely eliminate any form of porn, and any wanking, for a good while. After all, whatever works for you, works for you. I won't debate that.

If you are a nofapper,  I don't suggest that you should just believe me.

I suggest that you should remain open to both ideas, that you explore gently, slowly and with caution, and that you learn from your own experiences.



It might be a good idea to have a plan for the time after your "streak". That plan should involve a positive attitude towards your sensuality.

I suggest that you keep the ideas I present in the back of your head, that you research them when you feel sure that you can do so without danger.

Physical Self-Love Meditation: Week 6 - Finishing Touches

Monday - Sunday: Go faster, vibrate, get creative

When you want more, hotter, more intense experiences, speed up your breathing. When it gets too hot
and you get too close to orgasm, slow down.

As you go faster, you will probably lose control over the subtle complexities we practiced so
far - clench on exhale etc. Don't bother, it's completely fine.

One nice trick is to flex and relax the thighs and the PC faster, along with the breath. At
some point, you can go into a kind of "vibrating" movement which can feel tremendously
wonderful.

You can also try engaging the muscles for a longer time.

Try stretching out your legs or spreading them.

Get creative, experiment with it all!

For example, try flexing on the inhale rather than the exhale. How does that feel? Personally,
I found out that the other way around feels better, but we're all different -- maybe this is
better for you.

Be sure to hit me with some feedback if you care to. You can mail me at betlamed@gmail.com, or drop a comment here on the blog!

Have fun!

Physical Self-Love Meditation: Week 5 - Visualize the energy going all around

Monday - Wednesday: Visualize the energy going all around

Do your meditation as usual.

Practice what you learned so far.

Imagine the erotic energy from your prostate/anus running through your spine, up into your heart, then down again into your belly.

Thursday - Sunday: Visualize the energy going back into your genitals

Do your meditation as usual.

Practice what you learned so far.

Imagine the erotic energy from your prostate/anus running through your spine, up into your heart, then down again, into your genitals.

Find out how this feels, as opposed to guiding it into the belly. Which is more intense? Which is more arousing? Do both have their place? Do you prefer one over the other?

Physical Self-Love Meditation: Week 4 - Visualize the Energy

Monday - Sunday:

Do your meditation as usual.    

Practice what you learned so far.

Imagine the erotic energy from your prostate/anus running through your spine, up into your heart.

Physical Self-Love Meditation: Week 3 - Let go of ejaculation

Monday: Let go of orgasm

From now on, for the rest of the course, you will stay away from ejaculating through
masturbation.

If you are in a relationship (or otherwise sexually active with others) and would prefer
to continue having sex, by all means do so. Of course, if you like, you can involve your
partners, maybe they want to take part and create their own routine...

It will happen still. If it does, enjoy it. This is not about perfectionism,
self-torture (except if you are into that of course), or about morals - this is about
realizing that the other way is as enjoyable, or even better, than the "getting-off"
type of masturbation that you were used to.

If you feel that you just have to, and the urge becomes unbearable, please just go for
it, and resume the routine on the next day.

It is very helpful to reduce your fantasies. You cannot force this, as fantasies just get
stronger if you push them away. This is where meditation comes in. It helps you
let go of the images.

Tuesday: No erection needed.

Meditate as usual.

Start your physical self-love.

Do touch yourself, but stop touching yourself whenever you have a full erection.

Aim for being flaccid most of the time.

How does it feel to touch your flaccid penis? How is it different from touching your
fully erect penis? What does it do to your psyche, your spirit? How does it feel in your body?

Wednesday: Flex PC on exhale

Meditate as usual.

Start your physical self-love.

Work with a flaccid penis.

On every exhale, flex your PC muscle.

Thursday: Relax on every inhale

Meditate as usual.

Start your physical self-love.

On every inhale, relax as much as possible. Imagine that you're "pushing out" the energy through the penis.

On every exhale, pull in your abdominal wall towards your spine

Friday: Engage your inner thighs

Meditate as usual.

Start your physical self-love.

On every inhale, relax as much as possible.

On every exhale, clench your inner thigh muscles.

Saturday: Combine PC and abdominal pull

Meditate as usual.

Start your physical self-love.

On the inhale, relax everything, push out through the penis.

On the exhale, pull in your abdominal wall and clench your PC muscle.

Sunday: Combine the muscle clenches

Meditate as usual.

Start your physical self-love.

On the inhale, relax everything, push out through the penis.

On the exhale, pull in your abdominal wall, clench your thighs, and clench your PC muscle.

Physical Self-Love Meditation: Week 2 - Go Slow

Monday - Wednesday: Reduce your fantasies

Meditate. Make it 20 minutes if possible, but any duration is good.

Do 5 minutes of PC muscle exercise right after your meditation.

Masturbate for a while without ejaculation. Try and focus on your physical feelings, rather than fantasizing.

Now, switch those fantasies into high gear. Take note of the difference, how it changes
your arousal and your ability to keep from ejaculating.

As you come, take note of what muscles are involved in it -- where those delicious, involuntary little spasms occur. Thighs? Anal sphincter? Toes? Belly? ... Take note of them all.

Thursday - Sunday: A new kind of caressing

Meditate. Make it 20 minutes if possible, but any duration is good.

Do 5 minutes of PC muscle exercise right after your meditation.

Integrate your PC muscle exercise into your daily life. You can do them every time you go to the bathroom. You can even do them in the subway, on the ride to the office!

Start your masturbation like you normally do.

Use lube freely. Don't stint it.

Instead of going straight for the head, stroke only the shaft of your penis. Avoid the head as much as possible.

Go as slow as possible, and try not to ejaculate, but if it happens, it happens.

You might feel disappointed or as if you're losing out. Don't worry -- the adventures that lie ahead will more than compensate for that.

Physical Self-Love Meditation: Week 1 - Establish Mindfulness

This week, you will still be in "normal masturbation" mode. You will ejaculate at the end of your self-love. We just add a few little gimmicks to prepare you for what's to come next.

Monday: Assess where you are right now

Get into a calm state. Meditate, or take a bath, whatever helps you.

Switch off your mobile, make sure you will not be interrupted.

If you don't have it already, buy some quality lube. It makes a lot of difference.

Prepare your masturbation ritual. Fetch the lube, if you use it, prepare the tissues,

Make your bed - whatever you need to be comfortable.

Masturbate as you usually do.

While masturbating, take note of all your feelings, your fantasies, the way you use your hand, what gets you off. As you approach orgasm, what muscles can you feel? Do you feel something in your belly? In your feet? Do you curl your toes? Does your skin tingle? Is there warmth, cold? Do you make noises? Take note of all those things.

Tuesday: Locate your PC muscle, and start training it

Instead of describing it myself, I give you a few links to a good resource.

How to find your PC muscle: https://www.liveabout.com/how-do-i-find-my-pc-muscle-2983274
PC muscle exercises: https://www.liveabout.com/how-to-do-kegel-exercises-2982440

That site recommends NOT engaging the abdomen. I think this is a good idea if you're trying to isolate the muscle, but as you'll see, I use the abdominal wall very consciously in my practice. If in doubt, find the difference and find what works best for you.

Wednesday - Sunday: Meditate, masturbate, feel

Meditate. Make it 20 minutes if possible, but any duration is good.

This is not a contest. It's not about meditating as much as possible. In my experience, a certain "switch" occurs at roughly 20 minutes. But meditation thrives by repetition, regularity -- it's better to meditate for 5 minutes each day, than for 2 hours at irregular intervals.

Why meditate?

In the context of physical self-love, meditation helps us establish mindfulness. When we are mindful, we feel our body and its reactions. Ths is the very foundation... We learn how not to cross the line, how to distinguish orgasm from ejaculation, how to feel orgasmic ecstasy even when there is no sex involved.

Do 5 minutes of PC muscle exercise right after the meditation.

Masturbate as normal. Feel the erotic energy running through in your body while you're doing so. Try to feel your Point of No Return, but don't try to delay ejaculation.

Physical Self-Love Meditation: Introduction

What is the goal of this course?

Over the last 15 years or so, I developed my own little "method" of (somewhat) tantric self-love from meditation, tantra, taoist teachings and my own experience. Whenever I try to describe my method online, I get the feedback that it is terribly complicated. Too many elements, too much to think of.

I agree!  But I can't pick it apart. All the elements work together to create the kind of bliss I now get to experience on a daily basis. My life is better for it, I would like to share it, but I realize that it can be overwhelming at first. So I set out to create a course which will guide you in adding element after element, one by one. I'm putting it out there on this blog, for the time being. Eventually, I hope to turn this into a well-structured website with additional information on my sources and links to more knowledge. Maybe an ebook, maybe a gofondme, we'll see...

I wrote this for guys (i.e., beings with a penis, whatever you prefer to be called), for the simple reason that I am a guy, I don't have a woman's body, and I have not much knowledge of how it works for women.

What are the benefits?

You will last longer in bed. More importantly, you will be a better lover.

You will feel more energetic throughout the day.

You will be able to create bliss in your body on the spot, wherever you are.

Preparation

Set aside the time you need - 25 minutes in the beginning, extending to an hour by the end.

I assume that the exercises are performed in the nude, in the bed or on the floor or on some other nice, soft, warm flat survice, comfortably lying on your back.

I recommend that you check out a habit and goal tracking app such as "7 Weeks", or a similar app. It really helps you keep control of your new habits.

Meditation and mindfulness are key. If you omit the meditation, I'm sure you get something out of it, but probably not the most you can get, so I suggest you give it a try.

The course is intended as a daily exercise lasting for six weeks. Of course, you can spread those any way you like, only doing one unit per week or whatever suits you. I'm all for regular, disciplined practice. The amount of time, in my experience, is secondary to that discipline.

Mode of publication

I will publish the course materials once per week, over the next six weeks, on this blog, every monday. I will put links to the segments for each week in this posting.

Disclaimer

I made some bold promises up there, and I base them on nothing but my own knowledge and experience. I am not a doctor. If this does not work for you, for whatever reason at all, please stop it, and go look for something else. If you are in psychotherapy or have medical issues, please discuss any lifestyle change with your MD or therapist before you move in.

You don't need to edge!

For quite I while, my tantric practice was about getting close to the edge, but not fall over. That was a good thing, but recently I've been more into practicing on a lower level of arousal  - usually without even an erection.

I think there are several advantages:

The idea of orgasm as a final goal vanishes.

I do not have to worry, or be vigilant about cumming. That bugged me a bit in the past - I want to relax into pleasure, not have to force things.

A flaccid penis is more sensitive than an erect penis, leading to deeper pleasure.

These are different kinds of orgasmic states. I wouldn't necessarily call them orgasms per se, but they are deeply pleasurable, and they lead to a kind of general higher energy states, which is close to horniness, but not quite as urgent. Very enjoyable!

Sex is always meaningful

I don't believe that "meaningless sex" exists.

You might reject the connection that sex creates, you might try and minimize it by making the experience anonymous and short. But you cannot escape the simple fact that those endorphins will be released into your blood, changing your mood and possibly creating bonding.

I'm not saying that casual sex is a bad thing, or that one night stands are immoral, or any of that.

Even that short, quick encounter is still an encounter between (I hope!) adult, consenting human beings. It's an act of communication. Communication bears meaning.

Sex is inherently meaningful. It's as simple as that.

That does not mean that it has an inherent glorious, "spiritual", metaphysical meaning. It can just be fun, and that is fine, if it is what you're after.

We should not let the religious right or other conservative groups occupy the idea of meaningful sex. What happens is that people distinguish "meaningful, monogamous, godly sex" from "meaningless, fast, yucky sex out of wedlock", and then move to discriminate against those who practice the wrong kind. I do not accept that distinction.

There is always meaning.

Accepting your sex fantasies can tame them

I am a guy in his 40s.  I have vague memories of a time when I was obsessed with sexual fantasies. I was young, immature, insecure, and I fapped off twice a day. I fantasised about bdsm-y things long before the internet, back in 1987 or so, and I was scared shitless.

I got into the bdsm scene around 2000. I lived out a bit of my fantasies, but the reality was rather frustrating: There was little action, my relationships were semi-functional, my fantasies were still rather obsessive.

Then I got into meditation, and, making a very long story (that involved many fights and struggles) very short, I learned two things:

1) You can let your fantasies glide through you, accepting that they come and go, not holding on to what you can't keep anyway.

2) You can enjoy your fantasies for what they are, instead of trying to make them come true; another way to look at this is that they are true, just not in physical reality, but inside your head.

I am now in a committed, "vanilla", monogamous, and very happy relationship. I have been for five years, so it's decidedly not just "new relationship enthusiasm". I never cheated, and I don't think I ever will. I sometimes fantasize about dick, but in all likelihood, I will never go through with that. And that is completely fine.  I don't think I prioritize the relationship. I don't give up one thing for another.

I often put my fantasies into sex stories. That's the only obsessive aspect that's left -- I have a hard time writing non-perverted material. I always end up incorporating some form of bdsm. But I have the impression that this is slowly gravitating towards a healthy form of integration, in which bdsm and non-consensual perverted sex are just parts of the story along with character development and compelling plots.

I think that many people have a dogma that sexual fantasies have to be lived out, or else they become obsessive or destructive. I think that this is wrong. They become obsessive when you desire them to be what they are not -- reality -- and you can't have that for whatever reason. So there are two things you can change, in order to become happier: You can make your fantasies real, or you can change that desire.

To be sure, if there is a good way to go for it, and nobody gets hurt, then that is wonderful, and I'm the last person to discourage you. Nobody should ever try to forcefully keep you from living out your fantasies! Sometimes, it's simply a good idea. Other times, it's not.

Of course, a lot of what I'm saying is probably down to getting older, and the hormone change that implies. There is a strong bias (I forget its name) to overestimate the influence of one's actions, and disregard pure circumstance. And I never performed any scientific studies to back up my claim, so take this with a huge grain of salt and check it against your own experiences!

TL;DR: Accepting is not the same thing as living out a fantasy. Accepting it is way more important. Often, when you do either thing, the other stops being an issue. So the question to solve is, which one is easier.

Tantra is all about sex!

Tantra *) is all about sex. It is not about meditation, it is not about religion, it is not about enlightenment.

It is not about intercourse either. Or about masturbation, for that matter.

It's definitely not about "cumming".

It is about bringing sexual lust and desire into all of these. Into your consciousness, into the very whole your body, (including all its holes), into your mindfulness, into your meditation, into your relationships, into your job, into your whole bloody life.










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*) standard disclaimers apply: Tantra the way I practice it - practical, irreligious and secular. If your stance is that this is not truly tantra, fine - any suggestions for a more fitting word?

Cumshots Are Surrealist Masterpieces

I'm not exactly a porn connaisseur. Never have been. Right now, I'm under a somewhat vague rule where I cannot watch or read porn (except if I wrote it myself), but I can watch a short gif, even if it is pornographic in nature. I have to show the most erotic images I find to my girlfriend, so she can enjoy them too. Not quite your classic chaste-sub arrangement, but it works for us.

I digress.

Look, I know that (mainstream) porn is supposed to tittilate heterosexual males. I know it's intended to be seen from his perspective, it is totally degrading for females, somehow that seems to turn a lot of guys on, and all of this is by intention.

I get all that. As long as all participants are consenting adults, the secular state has no business outlawing it, and I'm not moralistic enough to rage against it.

I also get that some women actually do like some rough sex. Some do enjoy anal. Pretty much all of them enjoy showing off their body, at least in front of their intimate partner.

So, a little part of porn is actually somewhat realistic.

Just... not a whole lot of it. Many porn practices are just so absurd, or take exaggeration to the highest possible level; the cumshot is the perfect embodiment of that surrealist absurdity.

In the right context, with some bdsm background, I can well imagine that a few women might enjoy it when a guy splashes his load all over their face.

It is the way this is usually shown in porn which makes me fear the worst for mankind. The sheer enthusiasm that those women try to express by way of severe overacting; the out-of-the-blue nature of the occasion, as if it were completely normal to do such a thing; the odd sterility of a scene set up for one purpose, and one purpose only; the obvious pressure on the guy to perform at just the right time; the awkwardness of bad actors in a job where it is questionable whether good acting would actually improve the, ahem, "quality" of the product... it is just too much. It makes me laugh, rather than wish I was allowed to pleasure myself.

Why would I want to watch another guy cum on the body of an attractive woman? How is that supposed to make me hot? I will never be able to understand that.

I still dream of better erotica; erotica that actually turn me on rather than gross me out. Precious little of those seem to exist. This seems so odd to me. Given the ridiculous amount of media out there, and the extreme niches that already have been explored to a lot of success, there should be a reasonably-sized market for better erotica. Maybe that is just impossible to do, because we're all so neurotic about sex that we have no clue how to? I still dream, though.

Protect Our Young! Make Better Porn!

As an aside to last nights posting on porn, and after a good talk last night with my girlfriend the pornstar, something quite astonishing has hit me:

Many people (and among them, many conservative christians) will rant against porn. They will not distinguish between good and bad porn, or between different sub-genres of porn, like gay or het porn. Neither will they distinguish between erotic media, and porn in the strict sense. (I do have fond memories of "Tender Cousins".)

But what's really odd is that they don't offer any real solutions. I mean, if the problem you have in porn is how it portrays women in a denigrating way, then why don't you go ahead and make some erotic movies that don't do that? Why don't you go out and search such media, and then promote them all over the internet?

We don't need a ban on porn - we need better pornography.

If we want to protect our young, I believe that's what we ought to do, regardless of whether we approve of porn or not; regardless of whether you're a christian or a muslim or an atheist; regardless of whether you're a feminist, a men's rights activist, or just don't give a damn about politics.

Look, a 12 year old is not going to have great judgment when it comes to porn, and s/he will have access to it. That's just a fact. Prohibition will not work, judging from every single time it failed before. Therefore we should promote sensual, loving, and sexy depictions of human sexuality. If we manage to sneak a little accurate information in without being cheesy, even better.

Accurate, loving, and sexy. The last part matters! Boring lectures on how to put on a condom will not do the trick. Showing that lovemaking is sensual and blissful, along with whatever godly mission you choose to project into it, probably stands a chance of getting the job done. To be clear - by "job", I mean preparing teenagers for actual, real sexuality, as it is practiced in day-to-day life; not some idealized fantasy version of christian family life. And I also mean arousing them and giving them something to lust after. While we're at it, why not arouse them a bit, why not show how much fun and joy and bliss there is to be found in bed?

In short, we need better pornography. Way, way better pornography.

"Cyclical Impact of Porn"

In the above video, youtube user anewchristian72 essentially tells us that porn affects young men's sexuality by filling them up (npi) with unrealistic expectations about female sexuality. I won't go into the fact that he equates porn with heterosexual porn, and bad het porn at that (and how about written erotica? How about comics?). Let's let him pass on that.

While it's not surprising that a christian rants against porn, I would like to point out a few aspects that I found particularly interesting with this little video:

One is that he only talks about the unrealistic portrayal of women in porn. I won't deny that this is true for the  vast majority of heterosexual pornography (one absolutely amazing exception being comstock films - if you have additional examples of porn that is actually good, please let me know). I would like to add, though, that the portrayal of men in het porn is at least as unrealistic. If we are to assume that this wrongful imagery influences young men in bad ways by way of false expectations, then shouldn't we assume that the portrayal of their own gender, with extremely huge cocks that are always ready, always erect, and their owners always horny and willing no matter what, is even more devastating to those young souls?

I was about to write, in accordance with anewchristian72's opinion and feminist mainstream, that the portrayal of women in het porn is a lot more denigrating than that of the male protagonists - but is this indeed true? Men are reduced to sex machines who have nothing on their minds except fucking women - how is this not supposed to be denigrating to my gender? Maybe there is some difference in quantity here, but certainly not in principle.

A second observation: He does not present any facts, he doesn't quote any studies, he doesn't even reference personal experience. I'm always amazed when that happens. How does he know what he claims to know? How can we test his claims to be true? As mentioned before, I like it when people qualify their claims with regard to their supposed ontological status.

Thirdly, I find it interesting how people just assume that young minds are impressionable, and therefore, whatever they see in whatever erotic product of their choice will be directly reflected in their sexual behaviour. I wonder if that is indeed the case. People don't go all panicky just because of some sci-fi flick. People don't run into the streets with guns after watching Die Hard. On the other hand, people are affected by advertisement, of course. I would like to know things like that in a little more detail, before starting off with sweeping judgments about the whole erotica industry based on a lot of ideology and little factual knowledge.

So, yeah, that's it. No punchline here, as I have to go home now and spend some quality time in bed with my girlfriend, the porn star.

Falling in love with a tantrika

I think that most people who decide to receive a professional tantric massage might end up being rather surprised by some of its effects.

The thing has a tendency to stir up strong emotions.

I mean, really REALLY big feelings. As in, while I'm laying there, there's always a point where I'm completely overwhelmed with love. Where I want to tell her how much I'm in love with her, how beautiful she is, and so on.

Of course, I know that the feeling goes away after the session, and I know that it is not "real", in the sense that I'm not really in love with my tantrika. We respect each other, I rather like her (though I often disagree and have a hard time not rolling my eyes when she starts about energetic esoteric teachings), and we have lots of fun, before and after and during the session. (Though that last one's a totally different kind of fun.)

Anyway.

I can totally see how this may overwhelm and even overtrain some clients. Especially if they're lonely. Especially if they're somewhat socially awkward. Even more so if they really have no idea what tantra is all about. So I guess... quite a lot of the clients of such an establishment, actually.

So I guess that the practitioners often receive all kinds of fantastic offers. Some of which may be tempting. (Quoth my tantrika: "You never start a relationship with a client. It can't work out." Intelligent woman, she is!)

Basically, there's a guy who receives heaven from your touch, and who is probably prepared to give a lot for having this all for himself... in terms of money, but also of affection, devotion, time... I imagine that it must be extremely tempting to go on a power trip on one of those offers.

So I've started to write a story where that's exactly what happens. Where a woman is given the opportunity to work as a tantric masseuse, and that woman is way too young and naive (and, at that point, disappointed by men) to resist this sort of temptation, so she does go on this power trip, and it does not end well.

I think that this is highly realistic, and I'm pretty certain it has happened before. Not even necessarily with tantrikas...

How Tantra Can Improve Your Sex Life

I just realized that I wrote a blog posting entitled "How tantra can improve your sex life". I was joking in that posting. Every blog about tantra is obliged to have a posting like that, because after all, sex sells, and specifically with tantra, sex is what seals the deal.

I'm doing another posting on the same topic - only this time, let's be a bit more serious!

It can sometimes be easy to forget that other people don't know what I know.

I don't mean this to be demeaning or derogatory. I gathered some knowledge over a few years. A huge part of that time was spent in doubt whether this would actually lead me anywhere, or whether it was just a huge waste of time. There is no question, by now, which one is true. But of course, you, my dear reader, may probably not have gone down that road, may be about to decide whether this is for you, may have had some bad experience with some self-appointed "tantrika".

So...

How tantra can improve your sex life... for real

The answer can be summed up in one word: Mindfulness.

If you're used to the normal ritual of sex, then this may be hard to grok: First off, what is meant by the term mindfulness, and how would it lead to better orgasms or more joy in your sex life?

Have you ever had one of those moments of absolute clarity? For a brief instant, you were totally in tune with yourself. The world was a peaceful place, and it was good to be there, wherever it was. It was a moment to be savored, and not even the knowledge of its eventual passing posed any real problem.

Whenever you are in a state like that, it just doesn't matter what the future will bring. You are in this moment, right here, right now, and that's it. That is a fine thing whenever it happens, pretty much regardless where you are.

If you happen to be in bed with your partner, it means that you don't have to strive for orgasm, ejaculation, release - even the question whether you (as a male) currently have an erection becomes obsolete. You just enjoy whatever feelings there are. And by doing so, those feelings become even more joyful and enjoyable.

Isn't that something?

Well, there's more.

See, if you're being mindful and let go of your drive towards orgasm, you can also be mindful of your partner. You stop rushing things. You take your time. That may be even more of a change for us males, because we tend to be rather goal-oriented creatures. You'll stop asking yourself if you've done enough licking or stroking, or when she'll at last have the sought-after orgasm. You can let go of your performance angst and your desire to satisfy her "better than any other guy", because every moment is excellent in and of itself.

In short, it makes you a better lover.

Techniques

Of course, there are lots of subtle techniques - mostly boiling down to breathing and PC muscle exercises - and they have their place and are good and important tools. But the core essence of tantra, as with any other meditative practice, is skillful mindfulness.

Christian Tantra?

http://loversintraining.org/christian-tantra/

At first glance, it's ... ahem... *cough* interesting *cough*. They seem to be constantly using the metaphor of a kettle of water getting hot - yes, that's meant exactly as you think it is!

I'm not quite sure about "redirecting sexual energy into prayer". Prayer, in my book, is a linguistic mental process, and tantra wouldn't work for me if it was focused on words.

What I find odd is the last paragraph on yonder page:

I'm Single. Do I Need a Spouse to Do This?

No, but, for a single person, Christian Tantra is quite different. Instead of building your sexual energy to high peaks, direct every bit of it into prayer. Keep your water no hotter than luke warm. If it gets any hotter, turn the fire off.

This seems at odds with the full acceptance of your sexual body, which I find to be totally essential, right there at the very core of tantra.