Enhanced Sensuality through Abstinence

Last week, I engaged on a higly reduced diet, led by my partner.

On top of no orgasms and enthusiastic obedience to all my Lady's whims, I was not allowed any porn, and I had to ask permission to use any kind of erotic media. To facilitate this, I blocked all reddit images, and I set my search preferences to "moderate safe-search". Despite my long-running habit of neotantric ejaculation-free self love, I abstained from even that, just to be on the safe side.

By the end of the week, I felt exhilarated, liberated and excited. Women on the street appeared more sexy. Beauty appeared more intense. My Lady was an adorable, unfathomably and dangerously beautiful goddess, even moreso than she always is. The need for bare breasts evaporated and made way for an appreciation of faces and gestures and movements and forms.

The world of nofap

As a person involved in western neotantra, bdsm chastity games, and some other stuff, I lurk on some subreddits such as /r/nofap, /r/pornfree, and  /r/semenretention.

I have struggled for quite some time to get clear on the differences between the apparent majority opinion on those subs, and my own way of thinking.

There is the nagging suspicion of a covert religious agenda. There is a slew of irrational pseudoscience, of course. There is an odd kind of team-spirit. There is a focus on long-running streaks, the longer the better. There is a promise of superpowers that I don't believe in.

All of that is not the core issue.

The core difference

People on /r/nofap try to achieve freedom through abstinence from sensuality.

I try to find enhanced sensuality through abstinence.

If both of those sound strange to you, I absolutely understand. If you buy into the western narrative of ongoing "sexual revolution" and indiviudalism expressed via sexuality, then all of this sounds strange, by necessity.

The western idea of individualistic sensuality

I'm building on those western values as a foundation. In fact, I am, as a person, infused with them, built on top of them. They are built into my being. I grew up in the 1970s and 80s, after all. I was formed by a deeply indivudalist, (post-)sexual-revolution society.

There is, obviously, a deep-running neurotic relation to sexuality in western culture. For a long time, the idea was to catch and conquer the beast, to see sexuality as something basal and primitive one had to overcome, or else...

With the sexual revolution of the late 20th century, this idea shifted: Now, sexuality was something to appreciate and to indulge in. Everybody was free to do what they wanted in their bedrooms (except if they did not want to do anything, which made them seem odd and suspicious). Consent required, of course.

Freedom, hence, was to be expressed in the chorus of "You don't get to tell me anything, and I'mma prove it to you by watching the filthiest porn I can find, and wanking to it until my balls fall off."

There is something fundamentally wrong in both approaches.

Don't get me wrong. I do not oppose sensuality, or sexuality. They are not evil, not sinful, not addictive or bad. Wanking can make you feel good. There is no harm in it.

I do oppose, however, mindless, overindulgent "sensuality". I oppose the idea that "more equals better". I resent the perverted, twisted kind of "sensuality" that comes in the form of glossy magazine covers. I think that women twisted into yoga-esque stretches just to show off their genitals are the opposite of sensual. I think that exploitation is unsexy and sad.

In fact, I like to put this kind of "sensuality" in scare quotes, because I think it is not sensual at all. There is only a superficial similarity.

Some personal history

I got into all this, long long ago, via bdsm chastity games.

My initial motivation was not to overcome my sensuality or my sexual desire. It was the opposite: I wanted to amp it up, in order to experience the masochistic pleasure of denial. I wanted to "spice up" my sex life, and for whatever reason, chastity and "denial" was what kicked my kink.

Over the years, my goals changed, as I changed through age and experience. Instead of suffering, I found joy. Instead of "enforced" abstinence, I found moderated sensuality. In sex, I found spirituality. Underneath the kink games, I found a layer of truth.

I found deep potential in deliberate self-constraint.

We should not let this potential be monopolized my morality and religion. We should liberate it from those shackles. We should cherish our sensuality by shaping it, arranging it, enjoying it slowly, in small pieces, rather than swallowing whatever we can find, whenever we can find it. We should see moderation as a joy, not a chore.

A little tidbit from my neotantric experience

You go slow, and you achieve unfathomable bliss. You don't "overheat", and you experience endless orgasmic feelings. You stay at a low level of arousal, and it keeps you from exhausting your resources.

By not overindulging, you become more sensitive, and hence you achieve greater pleasure.

A flaccid penis is more sensitive to touch than an erect one. I don't have to tell you how to fact-check that claim.

This works on the physical level, but it works on any other level, too.

Layers of deepness

Obedience to my Lady is a form of chivalry and pure love. It is very kinky, and it is more than that. It runs deeper. There are layers to it.

This is not to say that the kink is "wrong".  The deeper layer is just another part of a greater thing, which encompasses all those layers.

There is a general principle at work here; just a bit of common sense, really, which has been known for a few thousand years: You reduce quantity to achieve quality.

You practice moderation so your excesses get even better.

You stop wanking twice a day, so whatever kind of sex you choose to have, is even more sexy.

By reducing your exposure to pornography, you become more sensitive to beauty. You may experience more sensual joy. The one partner you have in your life, may well become... not only "enough", but an unexhaustable well of wonderful experiences. By not trying to escape the bonds of monogamy through porn, you find renewed sensuality inside your relationship.

A tiny bit of buddhism

Buddhism teaches that opposition is just as binding as desire. You fight your urge -- it only becomes stronger. If you want to be free, you have to let your urges pass through. You have to somehow learn to live with them. You have to find a way to integrate them, while not being their slave. Total rejection might be one necessary step on that path, but it cannot be the ultimate goal. As long as you fight it, you are not at peace.

So again, those weird places on the net...

It seems to me that people on /r/nofap and companion subreddits come from a place of desperation. Their unability to shake their habit turns into self-loathing, and a wish to be able to eliminate it completely. Understandable, since they identify an addictive habit as the root of their issue, and they can't seem to get rid of it.

They claim supposed superpowers of irresistable attraction, so they can boost their morale and stay on track.

I'm not here to tell them otherwise.

I am here to propose an alternative view on sensuality in general.

I propose that less might actually be more. I propose that, instead of "getting rid of a nasty habit", you might be able to learn to enjoy heightened sensitivity through moderation, and the habit becomes a non-issue.

Are you a (no)fapper?

As mentioned above, I trained and practiced for many years, and I don't expect anyone to instantly "get" what I'm talking about if they're at the point where they hate themselves for their wanking; in spite of wanking off twice a day, like every other normal guy in my society, I never self-identified as a masturbation addict, and I was never into a lot of porn anyway, so I never saw an issue.

I do appreciate the difference.  I really do. The problems that those subreddits try to address, were never exactly my problems to boot.









For example, due to my training, I do not have sexual fantasies, as long as I don't want them. That's one huge advantage!

I have the subjective impression (without any hard evidence of course), that the way nofappers go about it, is only effective for a tiny minority. They don't see any other way, so the only way that presents itself, seems to be the only way forward.

It might absolutely be necessary, if you really feel you are hooked, to completely eliminate any form of porn, and any wanking, for a good while. After all, whatever works for you, works for you. I won't debate that.

If you are a nofapper,  I don't suggest that you should just believe me.

I suggest that you should remain open to both ideas, that you explore gently, slowly and with caution, and that you learn from your own experiences.



It might be a good idea to have a plan for the time after your "streak". That plan should involve a positive attitude towards your sensuality.

I suggest that you keep the ideas I present in the back of your head, that you research them when you feel sure that you can do so without danger.

A small list of some chastity and nofap related aspects and attitudes

Most people are not into chastity, nofap, or any related activity.
Some people use a chastity device in the bedroom to improve their sexual experience.
Some people use a chastity device for a day, some for a week, for a month, forever.
Some use a cage type device.
Some use a full belt.
Some people don't use a device at all.
Some people believe that medieval chastity belts were a real thing.
Some people believe that medieval chastity belts were a 19th century invention.
Some people use chastity as part of a 24/7 bdsm relationship.
Some people practice teasing and denial as a purely sexual fetish.
Some people don't tease at all.
Some people practice milking.
Some people use chastity as a device of humiliation.
Some people are proud of their chastity.
Some people spare themselves for their one true love.
Some people are into karezza.
Some people are into nofap.
Some people are into devotional sex.
Some hold their own keys.
Some hold their partner's keys.
Some have thrown away the keys or superglued their device.
Some people write elaborate stories about their own chastity.
Some people write stories that are completely made up.
Some people sell books on chastity.
Some people sell books on chastity, but have no real experience at all.
Some use strapons as a replacement for their dicks to satisfy their partners.
Some have strapons used on them.
Some identify as male.
Some identify as female.
Some identify as everything in between, around, or wherever else on a spectrum of about 99 dimensions and endless possibilities.
Some people are dealing with their fapping habit.
Some people refrain from watching porn or sexy images.
Some people actively watch porn as part of their practice.
Some people are appalled by their own kink.
Some people cherish their kink.
Some people are into tantra.
Some people think that tantra has nothing to do with it.
Some people think that the way other people define tantra is wrong.
Some people are chaste or celibate for the christian god.
Some people are chaste or celibate for enlightenment.
Some people are chaste or celibate for a hindu god.
Some people are chaste or celibate for a pagan god.
Some people are chaste or celibate for all kinds of religious ideas.
Some people think that fapping is unhealthy.
Some people think that fapping is a form of cheating.
Some people think that fapping is a form of objectification.
Some have nonejaculatory or full-body orgasms.
Some are allowed to touch themselves as long as they don't orgasm.
Some are not allowed to touch themselves at all.
Some retain their semen as part of their religious tradition.
Some do it for personal development.
Some are convinced that their way is the only true way.
Some people use chastity as part of a larger regime or abstaining from certain actions, words, or thoughts.
Some people use chastity as part of a female led relationship.
Some people have a male dominant partner.
Some people see chastity as a way of expressing feminism.
Some people see chastity as a deeply sexist practice.
Some go with the flow, in and out of chastity, where the wind takes them.
Some people reject the term chastity, and prefer other words.
Some are celibate as part of their clerical profession or calling.
Some people had severe psychological trauma.
Some are involuntarily celibate.
Some people think they need to punish themselves.
Some practice in ways that seem unhealthy to me.
Almost all practice in ways that are appalling to at least one other person.
Some people meditate.
Some people are asexual.
For some people, their practice is a form of meditation.
Some people think that a sexual kink can never be a form of meditation.
Some people think that the sexualisation of chastity is a sin.
Some people think that the sexualisation of chastity is full of post-modern irony.
Some people are right-wing.
Some people are liberals.
Some people are physically incapable of orgasm.
Some were born this way.
Some had an accident.
Some are physically ill.
Some are in detention.
Some are subjected to actual torture.
Some people are dead.
Some people will be motivated to comment on this list.
Some people will be motivated to protest against some items on this list.
Some people will be motivated to agree to some items on this list.
This list is not exhaustive.
All people are people.

The Problem With Tantrikas

The main problem I see with tantrikas on the web is that they have something to sell.

Mostly, it's their bodies, in chunks of 60-90 minutes, in the form of a massage (sorry, I meant to say "sacred ritual"). Sometimes, it's a book or a workshop.

To some degree, the part about having something to sell goes for everyone. We all sell off our precious life time to be able to pay the rent. We all dish out a white lie now and then, keep our opinions to ourselves for peace and money. It's a globalized capitalist society, and it fosters hypocrisy, dressing up for the occasion, producing a blinding light of marketing for ourselves, seeing ourselves as the product.

More to the point, it definitely goes for me and this blog. While I don't sell you anything for money (I have a decent day job to pay my rent), I do try to get you to read my blog, and I want you to like it (and by extension, I want you to like me). Not for monetary reasons, but for that most basic reason every blogger has: self-expression and ego-stroking.


The degree to which I am trying to get you to do something determines my degree of dishonesty. I will, occasionally, post on someone else's blog to leave some more or less useful, more or less witty comment - and I do this, of course, in the hope that someone will click on the link and land here.

As some may admit, trying to get you to spend a few minutes perusing my blog is less problematic than trying to get you separated from noteworthy parts of your money.

Those trying to sell their tantra massage sessions, who have become dependent upon this source of income, will obviously go longer distances to achieve their goal. They will spill out article after article, tweet after blog posting after facebook status message, to get you to read their site and then, hopefully, book a session. Those articles won't all be glimmering with bright and intelligent revelations. They will just rehash "authentic", i.e. archaic and often oddly conservative "tantric" teachings that, strangely, always seem to burn down to the same three points: breathe deep, take your time, enjoy male/female polarity. Depending on the author, they will be more or less kinky, more or less religious, more or less this-or-that. And they will always be filled to the brim with cute, sweet, esoteric jargon.

There is good reason for that: On the most general level, which is the only one that will bring in the customers (sorry, I meant to say "acolytes"), there is not a lot more to say about tantra. It is really that simple. The levels at which it gets interesting are those of deep personal experience, where it is often hard to even express your meaning coherently, where it is a question of decency and safety not to reveal to much, and prohibitively hard to create soundbites for the market.

The irony is that tantra is about being present, mindful, in the moment, and spiritual guidance might imply strength of character and lack of ego on part of the giver (or "goddess", as they seem to customarily call themselves these days). You can't be present and in the moment while you're meditating how best to drive people to your site, and I fail to see a lot of egoless enlightenment in lying through your teeth to sell me some sex, or wrapping up sexual services in fluffy religious jargon.

While we're all hypocritical in principle, while we're all guilty and shouldn't judge each other, there are different degrees of ugliness to our actions. Maybe my biggest lie is to my boss, yours is to your husband - it's not about the person, but about the action.

What I'm saying is, take it for what it is - a fun little roleplay for spicing up the action. Don't expect that a "tantra goddess" can give you any insight, healing, or spiritual guidance. Decide whether the relaxation and fun that can be gathered through a good "tantric massage" is worth your money. In my experience, it will probably be better than your run-off-the-mill pay-by-the-hour sex, even if it's not exactly a religious revelation.

In short, don't believe the hype.

So... What Exactly IS Tantra, Anyway?

Let's start our journey by looking at terms. Otherwise, we won't know what we're talking about, and chances are we'll talk past each other.


Tantra is an old religious teaching deeply rooted in ancient hinduism. It poses that the world of phenomena is a world of dualistic oppositions - black/white, male/female, active/passive, etc.; and that beyond those phenomena, there is absolute, unspeakable unity; every word we use to describe this unity is inherently wrong, because words, too, are phenomena and thus subject to dualism.


Tantra, now, aims to achieve a state of enlightenment - i.e., as it were, unity with this universal unity - by various means: meditation, breathing techniques, visualisations, mantras. One of those means lies in the acceptance and transcendenc of one's sexuality.


As far as I know, the "authentic" traditions of tantra put a lot of focus on asceticism. Which is probably not what one thinks of when one hears the word "tantra", but it does fit in well with the strong ascetic tradition inside hinduism.


It also used to be a highly secretive, esoteric system of stepwise initiations by a guru.


Somewhere along, or rather alongside, the "spiritual" re-awakening of the 1970s and -80s, the tantric teachings were imported into the western countries. Of course, the west in our times being what it is - far from "wild", but eager for money, and at the same time eager to fill the perceived spiritual vacuum that the eagerness for money brought with it, the teachings were sucked up, well... eagerly..., and at the same time were completely transformed.


Basically, what we did was that we stripped tantra of almost everything related to hinduism (except for a few words, which I will probably talk about in a later posting), specifically of the guru doctrine and the relations to the hindu pantheon, and on the other hand, we added a therapeutic slant to it.


While for the more spiritually-minded, a few "energetic" teachings were added.


The basic idea in all this was that a gentle touch can not only bring good feelings and strong orgasms, but also emotional healing, a better connection of body and mind, and whatever one sees as spiritual awakening.


Thus, neo-tantra was born: Adaptable to the needs of prostitutes and their customers (we shall have to talk about whether professional tantra is prostitution later on); but also appealing to the spiritually inclined esotericist, as well as the couple in their best years who would just like to rekindle the flames of their slowly burning-out sexuality. You can explore your intimacy in groups without ever running any risk of getting an ugly STD or (heavens forbid!) having to ouch another person's genitalia - or you can get a "tantric massage" with a slight smell of incense, a few candles and a very Happy Ending for your lingam, from your run-off-the-mill prostitute arond the corner.


Maybe this does sound a bit - shall we say "skeptical"? Well, it's probably not - at least not in the way you might expect.


You see, I happen to be convinced that pleasure in all forms is a good thing, as long as nobody gets hurt. And orgasms are probably one of the most intense forms of pleasure that we puny humans know. I also happen to think that roughly 95% of the male population haven't even begun to explore their full orgasmic potential (with women, it's probably different, I don't know - though my impression is that there's not a lot of difference there).


My experience has been that those intense tantric pleasures make me more peaceful, confident, balanced and energetic. So far, I haven't seen any bad side effects - that is, if we disregard the occasional sore PC muscles, the back pain from far too much lying on my back, and the blistered fingers (okay, just joking here...). All of which are, of course, very real dangers of the tantric practice, which I feel obliged to share with you, in case you meditate on walking down that path.


But apart from that, I simply cannot find anything even remotely bad in the idea of a practice that gives you almost instant ecstatic pleasures, while making you more aware of your physical sensations, getting you to lie calm for an hour or two - and all of that while you're own your own (completely free of charge) or with (a) partner(s) (free of charge if you find a willing partner). It gives me a tremendous sense of power to know that a little conscious breathing can make me feel better than I probably ever felt in my whole life. And the best thing is that nobody can take that away from me, except some serious brain damage or, obviously, death itself.


So, what AM I skeptical about?


Well, let's just say I find the religious overtones rather... misleading. I don't need to call my cock lingam just to feel more enlightened. In fact, I'm pretty sure that enlightenment in the strict sense of the word just doesn't exist. I find the idea of guruism and stepwise initiation based on the whims of another man's fancy disgusting - in fact, I think it's just a thinly veiled power game. (Please don't tell me I would have to know the hindu religion better to judge that - religious hierarchy is religious hierarchy and an abomination as such, whether it be the catholic clergy, tibetan lamaism or hindu gurudom.)


On a more general level, I'm really pissed off by the idea that only "authentic" tantra is valid, or that neo-tantra is somehow a watered-down, wishy-washy thing that does more harm than good. If you happen to be of this opinion: How on earth is it your business to decide what I like to do in order to feel good? How come you know better than myself what's best for me? If you want to make a point about spirituality, or why it's a bad idea to pay for sex, okay, make your point and let's talk about it. But please don't play the "authentic" card without ever having defined what you mean by "authentic", or why you think it's important. And also, please avoid words such as "superficial", "materialistic", or "western" as general terms of disagreement. These are overgeneralized, vague terms that don't actually convey any meaning, and thus my only reaction will be to kindly ask you to define what you mean.