Move To The Rhythm!

Recently, I read a book on trauma therapy. It said, among many other useful and intriguing things, that they endorse methods of meditation or therapy that are centered in the body: such as qi gong, yoga, etc.

Now what is the common factor of all those methods?

They get you to take deep slow breaths, they get you to move in a certain smooth way, they get you to focus on your breath, and they get you to synchronize your movements to your breath. (*)

So quite possibly, this simple trick - move to the rhythm of your breath - is therapeutic in and of itself. I can attest that it feels good, regardless of whether you do the prescribed motions of, say, qi gong, or whether you just move about in that way. I wonder, how about doing your daily chores in such a way?

Anyway, it's part of my daily routine now, and it feels great.

I say, hooray for reductionism!

And Happy New Year!





(*) To be fair, I can't remember whether I read that in said book, or whether this is my own huge revelation.

Searching for something to love in something you loathe...

Over at deliberatism.com, Eric Karjaluoto asks a very sensible question about all those failed attempts at self-improvement:

What if the missing part of the puzzle is not a lack of willpower, but instead a lack of love?
The runner discovers tranquility on the road, forgetting the pain. The writer gives in to the joy of playing with words, moving past the aggravation. The entrepreneur finds purpose in making something, and stops noticing the long days.

It has long been my impression that willpower is severely overrated. I prefer the word pleasure, because  of all the baggage the word love carries with it. But in principle, I agree with the premises of the article.

I don't quite agree with his conclusion, because I think that putting in the hours will often help you discover the pleasurable aspect of an activity that you used to loathe, and that our current focus on instant gratification leads nowhere. And also, there are chores that we simply have to put behind us whether we like them or not, like bringing out the trash or preparing for that exam. But I do agree that sheer willpower and little self-help tricks are not the solution.

The big question still is: How do you find something to love in what you loathe, and pleasure in pain?

It worked for me with my change of diet, it worked with physical exercise to some degree, and it doesn't work at all in some other areas.

So far, it's still poking around in the dark until I hit something useful. So the OTHER big question is, can the search for something positive be systematized, even in the face of strong negative emotions attached to the activity in question?

I don't think that "letting go of the goal" is the ultimate answer, though I suspect it to be one huge part of the solution. The same goes for affirmations, visualisations, meditation or more positive and motivating language patterns (see what I did there? *g*).

I do think that all of these, and certainly quite a few more, can be valuable parts of a practice of permanent personal development. Over time, you acquire your very own, very personal set of best practices that help you the most. In between, there are necessarily shots in the dark, total misses, complete disasters. And some big hits. The trick being, of course, to keep track of the real hits and stick with them no matter what, while getting rid of what did not work as soon as possible.

Big Words

I am highly skeptical of Big Words. For example, the word "love".

"You only have to learn to love yourself". Well, duh, as if that were so easy!

Those Big Words are often so bloated with meaning, they cross the line twice and essentially become meaningless.

I say, if the Big Words fail you, how about toning it down. There is tremendous potential for mental blocks in focusing on the Big Words. It's just so demanding. It can end up putting more pressure on yourself, than it actually helps you. You don't manage to love thy insufferable sexist racist white trash neighbour, and next thing you know, you hit yourself with a large wooden stick for your own failure.

So, let's focus on ourselves first. Self-love. Sound excellent. The trouble is, you probably encounter the very same issue:  This time, you don't manage to love thy insufferable unsuccessful virginal shy not-the-life-of-the-party self, and then hit yourself for it.

Self-empathy, then? Self-appreciation? Boosting your self-esteem with mantras and affirmations?

Still too far-fetched. Still too complex. Too much technology, hype, marketing, NLP. Too little real results.

Don't get me wrong, I love me my affirmations and breathing techniques. I practice them almost daily. I just think that they're somewhat auxiliary. I think that there is no magic pill. I think that change takes time, and deep change takes a frakkin' lot of time. I have learned through many failures that being slow might actually be the fastest and most effective way to go.

Remember that one time when you DIDN'T hit yourself with a large wooden stick? When you just... forgot doing that?

There you have it. That is your first step. Learn how to repeat that. Instead of focusing on big steps and big changes, focus on the tiniest step possible. The quantum leap, in the real sense of the word. Focus on doing the smallest change that you can think of. Instead of talking at yourself in the mirror, "I'm so beautiful and successful and will make a million euros next month", just omit that one thought of how ugly you are. Nothing more. Every time you manage not to put yourself down, that is one big achievement. You can cherish that, and you should. Focus on that one achievement, and how to repeat it - and let all the empathy and esteem and love and sex and money develop naturally over time.

Since we're talking about starting the journey to Alpha Centauri with one tiny step... Only yesterday, I picked up some self-help book, opened a random page. The first sentence I read was this: "It makes sense to start with little steps and first set some realistic and achievable goals." Oh yeah! Excellent strategy: Let's focus on the impossible a little bit later!

How can we turn struggle into pleasure?

In the past view days and weeks, I've seen quite a few weight loss videos. Some of which are more inspiring than others.

I really dig how people share their weight loss experiences on youtube. This is how social networks are supposed to work, in my view: building up support networks and helping each other on journeys of self-improvement.

One of the best youtube channels in this respect is Jumoke (http://www.youtube.com/feed/UCf2gJTH7ItjH0BUWmevtkIg). Huuuuge dude, with a good heart and a great sense of humor, who lost 50 lbs in 6 months and is still going strong.

Now, with my recent revelation about healthy and delicious food, I can't help but notice with some sadness one fact about many, many of those videos: They're often telling the story of a struggle. A fight. For example, there's these two fine ladies.

I sincerely wish the best for them. That they reach their goals and move on to live happier lives.

But, judging from my own experiences, it's not going to happen. I don't know how to put this in a way that is not disavowing or dismissive, which is one reason why I didn't put it in a youtube comment. They will last for a month or maybe two, and then they'll bounce back. It is my conviction that you will not succeed on a journey like this as long as you think of it as a fight. I mean, maybe other people are just wired differently, but I cannot imagine how to go on, day to day, with a practice you secretly loathe.

Once you discover the pleasures of whatever it is you're doing, it gets easy. Almost a bit too easy in a way. It's hard to believe, some days, that, yes, I found the way to sustain a healthy diet. After I spent at least 5 or 6 years trying ever so hard to find that way, without making any progress whatsoever.

Tantra, to me, is (among other things) a way to turn meditation into pleasure. Of course I will practice my breathing, if it is one way to get pleasure, whenever I want it, wherever I want it, completely for free!

So, the big question is: How can you turn the challenges you're facing into pleasure? How can you find pleasurable aspects in your chores - taking out the trash, doing the dishes, working at your job, etc.

I have not, as of yet, found a way to generalize my experience with tantra and food to other areas. I'm fairly certain that there is one, and I'm almost sure it has to do with self-empathy, self-love and mindfulness.

One lesson I took from these past few weeks is that it is not always a linear process. Years and years of struggle, and then one youtube video changed it all. So I guess that the struggle is one necessary part of the trip. Maybe it's life's way of "softening us up" so we're prepared for the one sudden revelation. Okay, that's metaphysical b.s., admittedly. But maybe something is actually happening on the psychological level while we're going through all that struggle. The big question is: what is it? What can we learn about it? Can we speed up the process? Or maybe it is all about not doing that, about just giving in to whatever happens?

One big guessing game.

I will keep you posted as I find out more.

A poor experience

This is a post from a (professional, it seems) tantrika, about a session gone sour... I believe it is good to keep an eye out - just because it's "tantra", that does not imply that it is all good and fine, roses and wine, all the time...

http://tantrictouch.blogspot.com/2011/11/several-of-my-clients-have-asked-me-my.html

Two specific points of interest:

"When I practice massage, I am the giver and my own sexual feelings have no role in the room. " 

Hmmm... I'm not sure about that. If "have no role" means that they shouldn't drive the action, I wholeheartedly agree. The fact that they're there... well, if tantra is about accepting things as they truly are, then the presence of sexual feelings shouldn't be denied.

Of course, that kind of acceptance can only arise (pun intended) in an emotional and physical safe-place. Both parties have to feel completely at ease for this to be possible. Given that the receiver was a woman, and the practitioner was a total stranger, well - I can certainly understand her unease about the situation. Sad as it is, women have to take additional precautions in that case. I'm afraid that receiving a tantric massage from a stranger is simply a no-go for a woman. Of course, everyone has to decide that for themselves, but as much as I enjoy the fantasy of practicing my skills on a strange woman I picked up from the street, I very much doubt that it's ever going to happen. Of course, I wouldn't dream of doing anything bad - but how would the woman in question know it?

This also raises the question of whether the roles can be switched. My impression is that for most tantrikas, you're either the giver or the receiver in one given session. Well, I haven't experienced it enough, but as it is, this seems like an incredibly inflexible model to me. Assuming the right circumstances of course, then if the "receiver" starts "giving", it ends up being not-quite-tantra? No, doesn't feel right. Or rather, well then so be it, who cares about the labels anyway.

"Assuming that I had suffered some negative sexual experiences, he said past sexual abuse was blocking me from moving forward in the massage."

That one kinda reminds me of my first encounter with tantra enthusiasts. At some point, one of the guys told me that I "have lots of blockages that need to be loosened." I think it was because I had doubted that tantra was anything but a thinly veiled attempt at group sex, or something.

This kind of ideological hogwash drives me up the wall. That one comment kept me from looking into tantra for years.

As a practitioner of anything - ANYTHING, from psychoanalysis to christianity to NLP or tantra - you never, never, EVER blame the recipient/client/convertee. If they're not open to whatever you're doing, then that is their frakkin' right. It's not your job to theorize about their inner processes. Doing so is rude, it's a form of violence, and on top of that it's mostly ineffective - it won't get you one step closer to your goal. Except, perhaps, if the person in question is highly insecure about themselves. (Which might just be the assumption behind the attempt, and if that is the case, it doesn't make it any better. At all.)

Quite apart from all that - even assuming that she suffered abuse and is blocked by it - then it is still not that guy's frakkin' job to decide when it's time for her to work on that blockage. Or whether she's ever up to it.

Did that guy have a degree in clinical psychology? Duh.

By the way, that kind of blaming is a technique frequently employed by cults. When that guy said that, it made tantra look like a cult to me. All the talk about lingams and yonis, the soft voices, and the excited spark in their eyes didn't help a lot, either.

See? It drives me up the wall, and into writing walls of text.

"Tantra is..."

Definitions are often to be mistrusted; especially in the vast field of psychology and, even more virulent, esotericism and religion. We rarely ever manage to really give an accurate and exhaustive enumeration of all factors. Thus, it is more accurate to say, instead of "X is...", that "Some aspects of X are...".

The problem with that is that it doesn't sound all that catchy.

So... here's a list of things that I have found tantra to be (which will be expanded later):

Tantra is...

• training in relating to yourself in positive and productive ways
• a way to help you deal with negative emotions

By this, I mean that it provides you with a method of creating bliss almost instantaneously, anytime, anywhere. That bliss gives you a safe-haven. You can then start "inviting" the bad stuff, and encounter it in the safety of your bliss. This will make it easier to face the problems in your life, and take responsibility, or, as they say, "own up to" them.

Update, 30th Jan 2012:

As the word "tantra" is currently used, it seems to simply mean "a practice of integrating sexuality".

Two important questions remain open in this definition: "Integrating it into what?" and "What exactly do you mean by sexuality?".

That's why tantra is such a vast and diverse field. Some people want to integrate their sexual energies into their spirituality without ever doing a lot of physical stuff. Some people want to integrate physical sex better into their partnership. And some just want group sex.

I guess the major lines, here in the west, are

• the therapeutic one, with a strong focus on self-acceptance and setting your boundaries
• and the "recreational sex" one (aka "spice up your love life") with a strong focus on - well, sex.

Both have their place. For me, self-love and personal development are the primary goals, so I go with the therapeutic bunch.

Of course, there are also fringe groups that one should be very wary of. Some groups seem to force people into sexual practices they don't necessarily want, or shoot photos of participants in intimate positions and the like - all in the name of "openness" and "acceptance". Sadly, wherever there is some kind of freedom, it can and will be abused.

So it makes sense to take some time to check out the credentials of any one tantric teacher. Are they trained as a therapist? In what therapeutic method? What do you know of that method? Ask them whether you will have to get undressed - in a setting that I prefer, they will always place huge focus on respect, and people will be actively encouraged to say "no" if they don't like some practice, or simply not take part in it.

It might also be wise to check out the location. Will you be able to drive home at any given point, in case you don't like what's going on?

(to be continued...)

A few weeks ago, a friend stayed at my place for the night. At one point, he complained about his lacking performance in bed. In short, he felt that he didn't have enough lasting erections.

My reaction was so immediate, it almost surprised myself. Erections come and go. They're not necessary for anyone's satisfaction. Sure we should have them... sometimes. But not always. If you do a tantric ritual... hey, you cannot honestly expect yourself to be hard for two hours straight! And quite apart from that, a soft penis is way more sensitive than a hard-on.

So I tried to explain just that to him. The next surprise, to me, was HIS immediate and rather intense reaction. He said that that was what sex was about, after all... penetration, and therefore erection.

I couldn't really convince him. But I feel sad for people like that... and of course, this means that I feel sad for about 75% or so of the males on this planet. And for their partners, male or female.

Ugh.

But of course, I feel proud of having gotten out of this destructive mindset (at least partially). It was a long and winding road, I can tell you that! It was all worth it, of course.

And after all, who knows, maybe I said something that my friend didn't yet understand, but that will come back to him in some form later on. We are all entitled to doing things in our own way, and in our own timing.

Shiatsu

Last week at the spa, I had a very interesting and instructive experience with shiatsu.

Passive stretching and that specific style of massage feels extremely good. Not a big surprise there, but an excellent reason to grant myself some more regular shiatsu sessions. The movements have a relaxing and activating effect at the same time. And besides, the flexibility and agility of those masseurs is pretty impressive.

Now about the "energetic" part. Shiatsu is not meant to be a simple stretching exercise. It's meant to work on your "meridians". Now, this specific practitioner did something very interesting: She predicted that, since she had worked on my "bladder meridian", I would probably have to use the restroom more often the following day.

Did I? I have no clue. For one, I was sweating all day in the sauna, and therefore drinking a lot; secondly, I really couldn't tell whether I peed more than usual; and thirdly, she gave me the suggestion beforehand, so in case there was an effect, we can't tell whether it came from the massage or from the suggestion.

But in hindsight, another thing stands out. Imagine a western doctor treating you for... whatever, a nosebleed. And at the end of the treatment, said doctor says, "Oh by the way... I gave you something for your bladder, you'll have to use the restroom a lot these days."

Wouldn't you be a bit upset? I, for one, can imagine suing that doctor all over the place. I rather like to know beforehand what I will be up to, or if there are any side-effects to a treatment. That is because I like to take my decisions myself. Strictly speaking, this is an invasion of my privacy and physical integrity.

Of course, I wouldn't do that with a shiatsu practitioner, and I don't think anyone would.

The reason for this is shockingly simple: When a western doctor gives you a prediction, you can bet almost all your money on that prediction coming true. When a practitioner of some eastern massage technique does the same, you can bet that the prediction will come true in exactly 50% of all cases.

Now, I don't even want to claim that there is literally NOTHING to meridians. I'm perfectly convinced that those old chinese (or, in the case of shiatsu, those not-so-old japanese of the late 19th century) knew a bit about the human body.

But I am equally sure that their metaphysical, "energetic" explanation kept them from developing their knowledge to its full potential.

I would bet that because the "energetic" explanation is unfalsifiable, and therefore utterly useless. You cannot disprove any specific part of a theory like that, therefore the theory cannot be expanded upon or improved.

In other words, the "bladder meridian" will most probably have an effect on the bladder in some cases - namely, those cases where they hit on an actual nerve center by chance. In all other cases, nothing will happen. Or perhaps, something entirely different from what the practitioner expects. Happily, since our body is constructed to withstand outer influences to a large degree, most effects will either be beneficial or insignificant. That is, in my view, eastern practitioners' real competitive edge.

And of course, because eastern medicine never ever claims any actual effects - it's only ever for prevention, never for healing - you cannot decide whether there is something to it or not. If the desired effect does not appear, then there's always some explanation for that. And even that practitioner at the spa only said that it would "probably" happen.

I will definitely go on with shiatsu. I will ask the next practitioner to refrain from giving me their predictions beforehand. One week later, I will ask them, and then compare notes.

I'm hazarding a guess: When you're standing on a busy street and smiling because you can feel pleasure all down through your body to the tip of your toes, you might have done somethhing and achieved a lot.

My Tantric History, Part 2

In the first days of august, 2011, I had what you might call my "initiation".

I was in my holidays, and I was back on one of my infrequent, unscheduled intervals of non-ejaculatory experimentation. And for some reason, I decided to do what I had not done in years: Grant myself a real tantric massage applied by a professional.

I decided on a rather high-priced offer - mainly because I wanted to know whether the price made any difference. And also because I liked their webpage, and the lady who owned the place seemed rather attractive (even though they have to hide their faces and obscure their real identity, because tantric massage is legally considered prostitution in my country).

When I called, I didn't reach the owner, but talked to a woman with a very deep, rich, very erotic voice. I was slightly disappointed to hear that the boss was out of town and I would get a session with the lady from the phone; I still went for it, because I knew that if I hesitated now, it would take me forever to get back to a point where I would grant myself this expensive, somewhat forbidden and time-intensive pleasure.

The studio was in a faraway corner of the town, tugged in between a major train station and the economic university - both aren't exactly friendly buildings, but the street was slow and small, and ironically, a fundamentalist christian friend of mine lived nearby, so I could count on some spiritual help, should things get ugly.

There was an extra door beside the main entrance to the building - a door obviously leading into a below-street level apartment. A stained-glass door. I was a bit nervous when I pushed the nondescript button for the doorbell.

The lady with the deep and rich voice opened the door, wearing only that colourful cloth that they always wear in tantra seminars and the like. She warned me to behave as silently as possible, because another session was in process, and showed me where to leave my shoes. Then she silently led me to the little room where my tantra massage was to take place.

I am happy to admit that I was overwhelmed.

The room was only dimly lit by a few electric candles flickering some red light on the luscious fabric that covered all the walls, and a wide mattress on the floor. There were several cushions of different shapes and sizes on said mattress, there was a chair for me to undress myself, and there was an already-heated pot full of massage oil.

The lady, whose name was Michelle, asked me if I had any questions - which was a bit odd as a conversation opener, but I figured that her education was in erotic massage, not in communication, and politely declined, since I already knew the basics. I was told where the shower was, and was left alone to undress, proceed to said shower (wearing one of those stylish tantric cloths... which I can never get to really stay on my body by themselves, so I always have to awkwardly hold them with one hand), and make myself comfortable on the mattress.

So then I was there, properly cleaned, and didn't wait long until she came back, sat with me on the mattress, bowed before me and gently put my hand in hers, telling me to relax completely.

I will not go on to bore everyone with the long-winded narration of every single stroke. I will say as much as the following: She did use her hands. She did use clothes (the same tantric... I think). She also used beads. And she used her whole naked body covering me, which must have been one of the most intense experiences I've ever had in a setting like this.

This is the usual way: you first get your back massaged, and then the real fun starts - it's a classic dramaturgical trick that works every time. So when she asked me to turn around, and I was now lying on my back, it became increasingly difficult to stay in the completely passive mode that is required of the recipient of a tantric massage.

I lived through some rather wild fantasies, and I believe that, for just that little time, I was utterly in love with this person.

In the end, she brought me to orgasm, and by her breathing along with me, I had the impression that she did enjoy this part - perhaps not as much as I did, but this was definitely not a handjob deliverd by some professional sex worker who wants to get things done and pick up the money.

I shall also say that the orgasm itself wasn't really the important part. I'm quite serious here. It was a nice addendum, but I could have done without it. What really mattered was the buildup, and what really really blew my mind was the intense feeling of touch, especially when she had covered me with her whole body. It's relaxation and intense erotic arousal at the same time - maybe this is really the secret of it: doing away with the stress of "getting the job done" or "achieving orgasm".

Coming to think of it, I would really like to share a tantric experience where the orgasm actually is not the goal - neither for the giver, nor for the receiver. I think this is one thing I shall pursue in the future. And I'm also fairly certain that this is not to be found in a professional tantra studio. I somehow cannot imagine that this would work for the masseuse, even though I'm prepared to give it a try... next time.

And I'm 100% positive that there WILL be a next time. This is far too pleasurable to not be repeated. It has proven tremendously "sexual healing" in the sense that it boosted my self-confidence enormously, and gave me a lasting sense of relaxation and energy that I have rarely experienced before. It actually enabled me to do some stuff that I was afraid of doing before. In the weeks since, I have had lots of overwhelmingly positive experiences, and managed to steer my general attitude even more in the direction I want it.

So, in summing it up, I can only recommend it. Have an open mind, stop thinking about outcomes, and enjoy.