Accepting your sex fantasies can tame them

I am a guy in his 40s.  I have vague memories of a time when I was obsessed with sexual fantasies. I was young, immature, insecure, and I fapped off twice a day. I fantasised about bdsm-y things long before the internet, back in 1987 or so, and I was scared shitless.

I got into the bdsm scene around 2000. I lived out a bit of my fantasies, but the reality was rather frustrating: There was little action, my relationships were semi-functional, my fantasies were still rather obsessive.

Then I got into meditation, and, making a very long story (that involved many fights and struggles) very short, I learned two things:

1) You can let your fantasies glide through you, accepting that they come and go, not holding on to what you can't keep anyway.

2) You can enjoy your fantasies for what they are, instead of trying to make them come true; another way to look at this is that they are true, just not in physical reality, but inside your head.

I am now in a committed, "vanilla", monogamous, and very happy relationship. I have been for five years, so it's decidedly not just "new relationship enthusiasm". I never cheated, and I don't think I ever will. I sometimes fantasize about dick, but in all likelihood, I will never go through with that. And that is completely fine.  I don't think I prioritize the relationship. I don't give up one thing for another.

I often put my fantasies into sex stories. That's the only obsessive aspect that's left -- I have a hard time writing non-perverted material. I always end up incorporating some form of bdsm. But I have the impression that this is slowly gravitating towards a healthy form of integration, in which bdsm and non-consensual perverted sex are just parts of the story along with character development and compelling plots.

I think that many people have a dogma that sexual fantasies have to be lived out, or else they become obsessive or destructive. I think that this is wrong. They become obsessive when you desire them to be what they are not -- reality -- and you can't have that for whatever reason. So there are two things you can change, in order to become happier: You can make your fantasies real, or you can change that desire.

To be sure, if there is a good way to go for it, and nobody gets hurt, then that is wonderful, and I'm the last person to discourage you. Nobody should ever try to forcefully keep you from living out your fantasies! Sometimes, it's simply a good idea. Other times, it's not.

Of course, a lot of what I'm saying is probably down to getting older, and the hormone change that implies. There is a strong bias (I forget its name) to overestimate the influence of one's actions, and disregard pure circumstance. And I never performed any scientific studies to back up my claim, so take this with a huge grain of salt and check it against your own experiences!

TL;DR: Accepting is not the same thing as living out a fantasy. Accepting it is way more important. Often, when you do either thing, the other stops being an issue. So the question to solve is, which one is easier.