Why I abandoned meditation

This is part of my ongoing series of sermons to myself. Feel welcome to listen in, but don't feel obliged to think that anything I say is not ridiculous.

I started meditation back in, I think, 2003 to overcome my major depression. It worked. I got into zen buddhism.

I completely abandoned meditation, I dunno, around 2010. I did some informal practice in between, but only got back to a real, regular practice in 2017. I've become very serious about it since last fall, and I'm rather convinced that things will stay that way. (One does get older and a bit more stable over the years.)

I stand by my choice to have left the practice. It was a necessary step for me, and I think my current practice is probably in a way "better" for it.

So why did I leave?

I felt I was losing some desires and strong motivations which I wanted to keep.

I was steeped in buddhist ideas and metaphysics, my skeptical mind started rejecting all that. It was impossible to keep up the practice while going through that rejection process. That process turned out to have been very important for me.

It was impossible to maintain the practice, while criticising behaviour in others. Back then, I wasn't quite aware of it, but right now, I think that that is one big issue in my practice, and I think there was some intuition about it back then, too.

We do live in a world. I live in a democratic country. I am supposed to have opinions, and I think I should have opinions. Stuff is going on in my family, I am called to take sides, and I cannot easily just abandon them to have my beloved inner peace.

I find it very challenging to reconcile my practice, developing empathy, being with what is, while at the same time being aware that some things are hurtful, destructive, unwise, unskillful.

To me, that is where stoicism comes in. It helps me try and phrase my objections to actions instead of people, and to try and find formulations that are not hurtful. I find that one very simple, non-"spiritual", woo-free, pragmatic question very helpful: What is really under my control? Your actions are not under my control. If you decide to do something that I find immoral, then you sure have your reasons for it. But I can help you decide what actions to take, if you are prepared to listen.

If I encounter a situation where I think I must object, I will not try not to voice my objection. That would violate my ethics. I will not even try to be especially soft or persuasive about it. I will just try to be as logical as possible, laying my arguments out on the table; and I will try to let go of the idea that I can make the other person act or think the way I want.