You don't have to be a label

Okay, I admit that this fundamental wisdom is quite the deepity - but it hit me like a sledgehammer earlier today, so I'd like to share it:

You don't have to be a bdsmer just to do some bdsm stuff.

I self-identified as a sub for the better part of my adult life. First you struggle, then you get used to it, and at some point you take it for granted.

However, the more I actually practice some bdsm rituals with my wonderful lady, the more they  become just another expression of our love. This makes me question why I should self-identify with the label at all.

bdsm is just a set of activities. If you like to create an identity around those, fine, go ahead, it's not a bad thing per se, and it will bring you in community with a lot of interesting folks - but it's really not needed if you just want to tie your partner to the bed.

No need to be a tantrik either, just to breathe and masturbate. And indeed, do you have to "be a christian" just to believe something, or to attend some church?

Of course, arguably, if you believe that Jesus rose from the dead and saved us all, then you're a christian by definition.

But there is a difference between accepting a label just because the definition fits, and self-identifying with that label.

My hunch is that this latter way of dealing with labels is where all the trouble lies. It is fairly obvious that - while your beliefs sure inform your actions and form your character - you are not simply defined by your beliefs.  You are not a christian, and nothing but a christian - you're a christian and a father/mother, son/daughter, student, hacker, etc.

It is also obvious that such identification can lead to ugly stuff like suicide bombings or flying planes into buildings - or, a bit less dramatically, to vote for a party that does not actually support you or your causes.

Another obvious deepity is that identification with a label does not necessarily make you a suicide bomber. In fact, it might inspire you to do a world of good.

So where does that leave us? Personally, I get ever more wary of labels, the older I get. I find that in many cases, they are - not so much evil, but - unneeded, unhelpful. I don't think we can ever get rid of them, but I think that it makes sense to not identify with any one label too much.

A small list of some chastity and nofap related aspects and attitudes

Most people are not into chastity, nofap, or any related activity.
Some people use a chastity device in the bedroom to improve their sexual experience.
Some people use a chastity device for a day, some for a week, for a month, forever.
Some use a cage type device.
Some use a full belt.
Some people don't use a device at all.
Some people believe that medieval chastity belts were a real thing.
Some people believe that medieval chastity belts were a 19th century invention.
Some people use chastity as part of a 24/7 bdsm relationship.
Some people practice teasing and denial as a purely sexual fetish.
Some people don't tease at all.
Some people practice milking.
Some people use chastity as a device of humiliation.
Some people are proud of their chastity.
Some people spare themselves for their one true love.
Some people are into karezza.
Some people are into nofap.
Some people are into devotional sex.
Some hold their own keys.
Some hold their partner's keys.
Some have thrown away the keys or superglued their device.
Some people write elaborate stories about their own chastity.
Some people write stories that are completely made up.
Some people sell books on chastity.
Some people sell books on chastity, but have no real experience at all.
Some use strapons as a replacement for their dicks to satisfy their partners.
Some have strapons used on them.
Some identify as male.
Some identify as female.
Some identify as everything in between, around, or wherever else on a spectrum of about 99 dimensions and endless possibilities.
Some people are dealing with their fapping habit.
Some people refrain from watching porn or sexy images.
Some people actively watch porn as part of their practice.
Some people are appalled by their own kink.
Some people cherish their kink.
Some people are into tantra.
Some people think that tantra has nothing to do with it.
Some people think that the way other people define tantra is wrong.
Some people are chaste or celibate for the christian god.
Some people are chaste or celibate for enlightenment.
Some people are chaste or celibate for a hindu god.
Some people are chaste or celibate for a pagan god.
Some people are chaste or celibate for all kinds of religious ideas.
Some people think that fapping is unhealthy.
Some people think that fapping is a form of cheating.
Some people think that fapping is a form of objectification.
Some have nonejaculatory or full-body orgasms.
Some are allowed to touch themselves as long as they don't orgasm.
Some are not allowed to touch themselves at all.
Some retain their semen as part of their religious tradition.
Some do it for personal development.
Some are convinced that their way is the only true way.
Some people use chastity as part of a larger regime or abstaining from certain actions, words, or thoughts.
Some people use chastity as part of a female led relationship.
Some people have a male dominant partner.
Some people see chastity as a way of expressing feminism.
Some people see chastity as a deeply sexist practice.
Some go with the flow, in and out of chastity, where the wind takes them.
Some people reject the term chastity, and prefer other words.
Some are celibate as part of their clerical profession or calling.
Some people had severe psychological trauma.
Some are involuntarily celibate.
Some people think they need to punish themselves.
Some practice in ways that seem unhealthy to me.
Almost all practice in ways that are appalling to at least one other person.
Some people meditate.
Some people are asexual.
For some people, their practice is a form of meditation.
Some people think that a sexual kink can never be a form of meditation.
Some people think that the sexualisation of chastity is a sin.
Some people think that the sexualisation of chastity is full of post-modern irony.
Some people are right-wing.
Some people are liberals.
Some people are physically incapable of orgasm.
Some were born this way.
Some had an accident.
Some are physically ill.
Some are in detention.
Some are subjected to actual torture.
Some people are dead.
Some people will be motivated to comment on this list.
Some people will be motivated to protest against some items on this list.
Some people will be motivated to agree to some items on this list.
This list is not exhaustive.
All people are people.

Words

You cannot fully describe a glass.

Go ahead, try it!

You can describe how it looks, how it feels. You can, at least theoretically, describe its history, who created it and when, who drank from it. You can describe its length, width, height, temperature, refraction rate, transparency, and a gazillion other factors.

And yet, you haven't fully described it. You cannot describe every last atom in it, along with its exact path through time and space. And even if you could - if you excuse, for a moment, the little dabbling in quantum mechanics here - as it seems, it might not only be practically impossible to describe a thing to its end, but also hypothetically impossible at the most fundamental level of the universe.

And yet, we somehow manage to think that, once we have labelled a person as retarded, evil, antisocial, a religious fanatic or an atheist amoral pig, or whatever other label you like to associate with your resentment - that this, then, should be enough to never, ever have to waste another thought on that one person again.

In short, we're all pathetic little hypocrites. And now, after we've meditated that for a while and got duly depressed, let's start laughing about it, and take it easy.