Thursday, November 18, 2021

(No?) nut november: Day 18. Simple habits, hard to establish.

 As a long-time meditation practitioner, I marvel from time to time why meditation is so surprisingly hard to establish.

I get why daily workout is hard. It's work. It makes you sweat. You have to suffer for the good bits. I find myself doing streaks of daily workout, which then get interrupted by work stress, sickness or a few days of low energy - and then weeks of just nothing. Then I get terrible back aches, and I get back into the habit (unless the back ache makes it completely impossible, which sadly only occurs more frequently with age).

Even nofap... on the surface it seems like it's just "doing nothing", but to resist your urges and go against the spur of the moment - I think this is quite an activity. There is an effort.

But meditation, qi-gong, breathing deep and with intent - all of those are next to no work. You don't have to do hours and hours either. Just sit in your bed for 10 minutes each day. Still... there always seems to be an excuse.

I meditated an hour each day before work, for a year. It was good, but I stopped doing it because I found out that sleep is actually more important. I meditate (informally) each night before bed anyway. So why not just sit up, fold my hands (which I know from experience is a good thing), and turn it into formal meditation? Just a few minutes each night.

Just thinking about it, already calms me down.

This is an honest question, by the way. I'm not being rhetorical here. I've heard the same experience from a few people. I'm actually more fascinated by this, than I am complaining about it. It makes me wonder what is going on there.

The same with breathing deep. I need to make time for that, remind myself of it, make a conscious effort. My body never simply does it all on its own. It never became a habit.

Somehow, insanely useful, insanely simple, almost effortless practices have a weird tendency to fall by the wayside for seemingly no reason.

The buddhist explanation is that the monkey mind just doesn't want to shut up. I don't believe in buddhism, but I think that there might be some anxiety around being completely "alone" with your own mind. That there really is an ego-part that is afraid it might vanish in silence. All the things that you hide even from yourself, might crop up when you close your eyes and just sit. All the fears might take a hold of you. Our stories might be the only thing that keeps us from disappearing.

However, as i said, I have been meditating for years. My own experience tells me that this never ever happens. It never feels anything but blissful. So why does experience - personal, up close, real experience - never trump that resistance?

Wednesday, November 17, 2021

(No?) nut november: Day 17. Theory and practice.

 Sometimes I wonder about our apparent attachment to ideas.

It is insane, and it makes a whole lot of trouble - from relationship fights, up to wars between nations.

There was a time when I was quite into zen, and tried to actively disengage from all concepts. I also meditated regularly.

This worked rather nicely.

Still, I find myself attached a lot to theories these days - or to debunking other people's theories, which amounts to the same thing.

What happened?

Well... life happened. You find some things interesting, some things matter to you, some things seem unbearably wrong and stupid and destructive. The global climate of partisanship got a hold of me. Social media impacted me, the pandemic, climate change, national politics... all the things that affect us all.

Last night, I was lying down to sleep. Lots of good ideas for my novel seemed to float around in my head. My breathing exercises went great. I felt wonderful.

I thought: I want to put more focus back on practice. Not theorize about the outcome so much. As far as I remember, when I steadfastly refused to think about where the practice might lead me, I felt liberation, relief, bliss.

Maybe our need for theory comes from a lack of trust in our practice.

Good old buddhist saying comes to mind: You can choose to be happy, or choose to be right - but not both at the same time.

Then again... theorizing is so much fun. Oh crap!


Wednesday, November 10, 2021

(No?) nut november: Day 10. Research and religious nutbaggery

 First, this is completely OT. It has zero to do with abstinence and NNN.

Second: Confession time! I have a weird love for religious nutbags, occultism, esotericism, all that stuff. I love religion in general (as an atheist and skeptic myself), but specifically, I love when it's obviously ridiculous, alarmist, and stupid.

Obviously, my novel deals with just those topics, plus femalde dominance and tantra. So I get to do a lot of fun websurfing under the guise of "research".

Anyway, here are some fun links that I found just today:


My obsession with semen retention

Being chaste feels good for me, at least for a while. It creates heightened horniness (duh), and if you know to "transmute" this through tantric exercises, then that can create a truly wonderful state of bliss. It gives me a sense of being in control, able to overcome my urges. After about a week, it always feels like this is it. I'm going to do this forever. But this never lasts. Inevitably, the elevation passes, life just gets in the way, and the "streak" is over.

Obviously, while I get on another one of those chastity binges, I tend to hop onto reddit and peruse r/semenretention.

I have a love/hate relationship with that forum.

My love is that I feel for those guys. They honestly try to improve themselves. I imagine that many come from a place of despair and self-loathing.

Based on my experience, I conclude that 60 days days of not cumming, and 90 days, or even 213 days of not wanking, do not reliably produce any better performance, increased attractiveness, better skin, or really any change at all. It did not do that for me. Back when I did that, I didn't even know any of the claims of semen retention, so I'd say that it was a pretty good experiment. If girls had suddenly started swooning over me, you bet I'd have noticed.

Monday, November 8, 2021

Awfully quiet, I have been

 I haven't posted here in a long time.

For the most part, I now put my day-to-day ramblings in my very own subreddit, . It just feels a bit easier to post there.

I mostly post when I'm on a nofap streak. Here is the first in a serious of posts I did in my longest streak so far.

Here is my post on the day before I started No Nut November.

I will duplicate some of the posts on here, that I feel might contain generally useful information.

I ponder whether I should create an e-book from my postings next year. A good way to clean up and collect the more useful thoughts I had.

Sunday, April 18, 2021

Streak of Early 2021 - Day 89: Unio Mystica

 Yesterday, I experienced something that I think mystics would have called unio mystica. It was beautiful, brilliant, ecstatic... but that's not the essence of it. I don't think the essence of it can be expressed in words... the closest I can get is that it was deeply paradoxical. And it lasted all through the day.

I was very sexually aroused, without touching. But there was no urge to satisfy. I don't mean that I suppressed it or overcame it... there just was nothing to overcome. The state was extremely pleasurable.

It was a bit like I was perpetually in the state of orgasm, without ending.

It felt like mind-fog, but I was actually rather focused. I was very productive, though it felt like I didn't do a lot.

I was beyond myself, and yet I have rarely before felt so much in tune with myself.

There was no worry, no fear, not even the possibility of needs. It was non-action, dao, a little peek into moksha or awakening.

Not that I deluded myself into thinking I was actually enlightened. It was just a peek. And that is perfectly fine.

Eveything was just what it was.

It was brilliant.

And it created a craving, or rather a longing, for more of it in my life.

It's probably the most powerful motivation I ever felt.


Wednesday, October 28, 2020

Review: "Bliss of the Celibate", by Julian Lee (1998)

This is one of those that I waded through, so you don't have to. It is also is one of those you will find referenced, again and again, in the semenretention community, as a "foundational text" of sorts.

As in so many texts of an esoteric or religious nature, the main epistemic methods applied in this book are free association, unfounded claims, and working backwards from the conclusion.

Lee has read some buddhist and hindu books, has collected whatever floated his boat, and cooked a big old stew from all that. Add one (1) bible passage (Mt 19:12), and you have apparently proven that Jesus taught yoga, was celibate, and that the catholic church gleaned its power from - you guessed it - celibacy. Formal citations or syllogistic arguments are something to sneer at and avoid at all costs, it would seem.

He claims that celibacy is necessary for any and all achievements, ranging from the simple to the highly complex, from personal and social, from culture to enlightenment. He explicitly states that "[w]ithout the highest sexual morality, no other morality is possible. The keeping of no other law is possible. No social order is possible. No human culture is possible." When a male has an orgasm, or even so much as focuses too much on the female form, everything is lost. The only solution is celibacy. He recognizes, at least, that there are two paths: complete renunciation, and gradual evolution towards that lofty goal.

The closest Lee ever comes to an actual argument, is when he claims that males lose energy through semen the same way that women lose energy in menstruation. Why this is supposed to be the case, is anyone's guess. It's in the old scriptures, it is in Julian Lee's head, therefore it has to be true. As proof, he names the usual: males appear tired after orgasm. He claims that males have a form of "PMS" for at least 24 hours - you may or may not agree. If you disagree, then the whole book is moot.

Lee doesn't offer any practical advice, except for meditation. He dismisses all of tantra and - in an oddly specific twist - decries the Yoga Journal, rejects "new agers", progressives, and people who dislike George Bush (junior or senior, he doesn't say). He goes on a long rant against those groups, culmitating in the curious proclamation that "the average Christian, because he at least retains some morals regarding sex, is actually much closer to the Yogic path than most "new agers.""

He knows that "transmutation is necessary for celibacy", but he doesn't tell us how to transmute. Nor does he seem to be aware of the distinction between orgasm and ejaculation (no wonder, since he rejects tantra). Orgasm means expulsion of the all-valuable "pearls" (a term he uses quite consistently) and shakti, and that creates all evils in the world - while celibacy creates everything good.

As in most texts on the topic, the female part of the species play next to no role at all - not even as guides for men; they only exist as seducers to men and thieves of his shakti-induced powers. Homosexuality is a grave sin (stemming from, you guessed it, masturbation), and nonbinary sexuality doesn't exist at all. There is an extreme black and white morality at play - renunciation is good, lust is bad, sex is only for procreation.

Not all in this book is totally bad - at times, it can be quite inspiring:

"When you become entirely devoted to the Lord of Creation, All of creation becomes devoted to you." At least, that's nice! However, these cases are few and far between. All in all, it is a terrible book, not innovative, boring, trite and conservative.

There are a lot of quotes from Patanjali, Paramahansa Yogananda (his favourite author of all), and buddhist Suttras. So if nothing else, one can use it as a kind of reference for looking stuff up.

The book is mostly interesting because, as stated above, it is one of the "foundational texts" of semen-retention. It just goes to show that the movement is steeped in hindu and buddhist religiosity, political and social conservatism, vitalism, sexism and steadfast animosity against intellectual debate and rationality.

How it might be improved:

Apart from the obvious - add some rational arguments as to why celibacy is supposed to do all those good things - the book would benefit tremendously from some empathy and guidance for newcomers. Lee offers nothing in the way of practical exercises, and it is somewhat hard to see why any penis-owner should take it upon themselves to refrain from any and all orgasms, possibly for the rest of his life. (Women, by the way, would seemingly get to cum all they want... an obvious conclusion from the premises, but I wonder if Lee saw it.) Just for "living in accordance with" some undefined "great universal Law", probably will not cut it. Speaking of cutting, cutting out a few of the rants would make the thing a lot easier to read.