Thursday, January 20, 2022

The rules I try to follow

For whatever it might be worth to anybody else, here are some rules I try to implement in my own life:

  • Don't obsess over what you can not change.
  • Judge ideas and actions, not people and personalities.
  • Rather than "good" and "evil", try to use more nuanced metrics, such as "more or less useful", "more or less harmful".
  • Try to see both sides.
  • Be mindful.
  • Breathe deep.
  • Synchronize movements to the breath.
  • Be open to bliss.

As a meta-rule, I try to see these "rules" as practices, rather than precepts.

This meta-rule is probably the most important of them all, because it helps me not measure myself against an ideal that is impossible to reach.

They are general guidelines for a life that makes myself and those around me happy. Needless to say, I don't always adhere to them - I try to get better.

Thursday, November 18, 2021

(No?) nut november: Day 18. Simple habits, hard to establish.

 As a long-time meditation practitioner, I marvel from time to time why meditation is so surprisingly hard to establish.

I get why daily workout is hard. It's work. It makes you sweat. You have to suffer for the good bits. I find myself doing streaks of daily workout, which then get interrupted by work stress, sickness or a few days of low energy - and then weeks of just nothing. Then I get terrible back aches, and I get back into the habit (unless the back ache makes it completely impossible, which sadly only occurs more frequently with age).

Even nofap... on the surface it seems like it's just "doing nothing", but to resist your urges and go against the spur of the moment - I think this is quite an activity. There is an effort.

But meditation, qi-gong, breathing deep and with intent - all of those are next to no work. You don't have to do hours and hours either. Just sit in your bed for 10 minutes each day. Still... there always seems to be an excuse.

I meditated an hour each day before work, for a year. It was good, but I stopped doing it because I found out that sleep is actually more important. I meditate (informally) each night before bed anyway. So why not just sit up, fold my hands (which I know from experience is a good thing), and turn it into formal meditation? Just a few minutes each night.

Just thinking about it, already calms me down.

This is an honest question, by the way. I'm not being rhetorical here. I've heard the same experience from a few people. I'm actually more fascinated by this, than I am complaining about it. It makes me wonder what is going on there.

The same with breathing deep. I need to make time for that, remind myself of it, make a conscious effort. My body never simply does it all on its own. It never became a habit.

Somehow, insanely useful, insanely simple, almost effortless practices have a weird tendency to fall by the wayside for seemingly no reason.

The buddhist explanation is that the monkey mind just doesn't want to shut up. I don't believe in buddhism, but I think that there might be some anxiety around being completely "alone" with your own mind. That there really is an ego-part that is afraid it might vanish in silence. All the things that you hide even from yourself, might crop up when you close your eyes and just sit. All the fears might take a hold of you. Our stories might be the only thing that keeps us from disappearing.

However, as i said, I have been meditating for years. My own experience tells me that this never ever happens. It never feels anything but blissful. So why does experience - personal, up close, real experience - never trump that resistance?

Wednesday, November 17, 2021

(No?) nut november: Day 17. Theory and practice.

 Sometimes I wonder about our apparent attachment to ideas.

It is insane, and it makes a whole lot of trouble - from relationship fights, up to wars between nations.

There was a time when I was quite into zen, and tried to actively disengage from all concepts. I also meditated regularly.

This worked rather nicely.

Still, I find myself attached a lot to theories these days - or to debunking other people's theories, which amounts to the same thing.

What happened?

Well... life happened. You find some things interesting, some things matter to you, some things seem unbearably wrong and stupid and destructive. The global climate of partisanship got a hold of me. Social media impacted me, the pandemic, climate change, national politics... all the things that affect us all.

Last night, I was lying down to sleep. Lots of good ideas for my novel seemed to float around in my head. My breathing exercises went great. I felt wonderful.

I thought: I want to put more focus back on practice. Not theorize about the outcome so much. As far as I remember, when I steadfastly refused to think about where the practice might lead me, I felt liberation, relief, bliss.

Maybe our need for theory comes from a lack of trust in our practice.

Good old buddhist saying comes to mind: You can choose to be happy, or choose to be right - but not both at the same time.

Then again... theorizing is so much fun. Oh crap!


Wednesday, November 10, 2021

(No?) nut november: Day 10. Research and religious nutbaggery

 First, this is completely OT. It has zero to do with abstinence and NNN.

Second: Confession time! I have a weird love for religious nutbags, occultism, esotericism, all that stuff. I love religion in general (as an atheist and skeptic myself), but specifically, I love when it's obviously ridiculous, alarmist, and stupid.

Obviously, my novel deals with just those topics, plus femalde dominance and tantra. So I get to do a lot of fun websurfing under the guise of "research".

Anyway, here are some fun links that I found just today:


My obsession with semen retention

Being chaste feels good for me, at least for a while. It creates heightened horniness (duh), and if you know to "transmute" this through tantric exercises, then that can create a truly wonderful state of bliss. It gives me a sense of being in control, able to overcome my urges. After about a week, it always feels like this is it. I'm going to do this forever. But this never lasts. Inevitably, the elevation passes, life just gets in the way, and the "streak" is over.

Obviously, while I get on another one of those chastity binges, I tend to hop onto reddit and peruse r/semenretention.

I have a love/hate relationship with that forum.

My love is that I feel for those guys. They honestly try to improve themselves. I imagine that many come from a place of despair and self-loathing.

Based on my experience, I conclude that 60 days days of not cumming, and 90 days, or even 213 days of not wanking, do not reliably produce any better performance, increased attractiveness, better skin, or really any change at all. It did not do that for me. Back when I did that, I didn't even know any of the claims of semen retention, so I'd say that it was a pretty good experiment. If girls had suddenly started swooning over me, you bet I'd have noticed.

Monday, November 8, 2021

Awfully quiet, I have been

 I haven't posted here in a long time.

For the most part, I now put my day-to-day ramblings in my very own subreddit, . It just feels a bit easier to post there.

I mostly post when I'm on a nofap streak. Here is the first in a serious of posts I did in my longest streak so far.

Here is my post on the day before I started No Nut November.

I will duplicate some of the posts on here, that I feel might contain generally useful information.

I ponder whether I should create an e-book from my postings next year. A good way to clean up and collect the more useful thoughts I had.

Sunday, April 18, 2021

Streak of Early 2021 - Day 89: Unio Mystica

 Yesterday, I experienced something that I think mystics would have called unio mystica. It was beautiful, brilliant, ecstatic... but that's not the essence of it. I don't think the essence of it can be expressed in words... the closest I can get is that it was deeply paradoxical. And it lasted all through the day.

I was very sexually aroused, without touching. But there was no urge to satisfy. I don't mean that I suppressed it or overcame it... there just was nothing to overcome. The state was extremely pleasurable.

It was a bit like I was perpetually in the state of orgasm, without ending.

It felt like mind-fog, but I was actually rather focused. I was very productive, though it felt like I didn't do a lot.

I was beyond myself, and yet I have rarely before felt so much in tune with myself.

There was no worry, no fear, not even the possibility of needs. It was non-action, dao, a little peek into moksha or awakening.

Not that I deluded myself into thinking I was actually enlightened. It was just a peek. And that is perfectly fine.

Eveything was just what it was.

It was brilliant.

And it created a craving, or rather a longing, for more of it in my life.

It's probably the most powerful motivation I ever felt.