(No?) nut november: Day 18. Simple habits, hard to establish.

 As a long-time meditation practitioner, I marvel from time to time why meditation is so surprisingly hard to establish.

I get why daily workout is hard. It's work. It makes you sweat. You have to suffer for the good bits. I find myself doing streaks of daily workout, which then get interrupted by work stress, sickness or a few days of low energy - and then weeks of just nothing. Then I get terrible back aches, and I get back into the habit (unless the back ache makes it completely impossible, which sadly only occurs more frequently with age).

Even nofap... on the surface it seems like it's just "doing nothing", but to resist your urges and go against the spur of the moment - I think this is quite an activity. There is an effort.

But meditation, qi-gong, breathing deep and with intent - all of those are next to no work. You don't have to do hours and hours either. Just sit in your bed for 10 minutes each day. Still... there always seems to be an excuse.

I meditated an hour each day before work, for a year. It was good, but I stopped doing it because I found out that sleep is actually more important. I meditate (informally) each night before bed anyway. So why not just sit up, fold my hands (which I know from experience is a good thing), and turn it into formal meditation? Just a few minutes each night.

Just thinking about it, already calms me down.

This is an honest question, by the way. I'm not being rhetorical here. I've heard the same experience from a few people. I'm actually more fascinated by this, than I am complaining about it. It makes me wonder what is going on there.

The same with breathing deep. I need to make time for that, remind myself of it, make a conscious effort. My body never simply does it all on its own. It never became a habit.

Somehow, insanely useful, insanely simple, almost effortless practices have a weird tendency to fall by the wayside for seemingly no reason.

The buddhist explanation is that the monkey mind just doesn't want to shut up. I don't believe in buddhism, but I think that there might be some anxiety around being completely "alone" with your own mind. That there really is an ego-part that is afraid it might vanish in silence. All the things that you hide even from yourself, might crop up when you close your eyes and just sit. All the fears might take a hold of you. Our stories might be the only thing that keeps us from disappearing.

However, as i said, I have been meditating for years. My own experience tells me that this never ever happens. It never feels anything but blissful. So why does experience - personal, up close, real experience - never trump that resistance?

Excellent videos on meditation by a skeptic

From the youtube channel "à-bas-le-ciel":

 

It just ain't fair. There I was, looking for someone who would challenge my beliefs on meditation, maybe have a little debate or somthun.

Turns out, not only does this guy mostly agree with my own notions, but he articulates them better than I can.

The gist of it is that the "interesting" experiences in meditation don't mean shit beyond what they are - experiences.

If you're interested in that kinda thang - enjoy!

---

Here's another one of his:

If I hear him right, he is actually in favour of meditation - as a religious practice - but doesn't see any scientifically vindicated merit to it as a health practice. Now, admittedly I used to think that there are some studies suggesting that meditation can improve some brain states.

Okay, so maybe that ain't so. That's fine. I always thought that those claims were a bit useless, anyway. After all, if a game of table tennis is a worthwhile endeavour that nobody feels motivated to back up by science, then why wouldn't the same go for just quietly sitting around for a while?

I do not claim that meditation has any effect outside subjective experience. I would, however, claim that in my own experience, daily meditation plus a good healthy dose of stoic philosophy, did help me get out of a rut, and does help me create less trouble for myself and others. I have the impression that it became easier, over time, to see things with less bias and to come down faster from an emotional outburst. I have no clue if that works for everyone, or if it can even ever be proven that it works for a few. It's only my impression, is all.

I do think that "getting a little bit of rest" between an impulse and my reaction, is something I achieved through my practice and that, at worst, I am wasting an hour before dawn feeling rather well.

Or I might just be getting older. Well, I guess I can live with that.

To me, the more important part is to not fall for the religious implications assigned to meditation. That there probably is no enlightenment awating just around the corner. That being a bit calmer does not mean that I have some "spiritual achievement", or that I am somehow better than others. It just seems to make my life a bit easier.

Physical Self-Love Meditation: Week 6 - Finishing Touches

Monday - Sunday: Go faster, vibrate, get creative

When you want more, hotter, more intense experiences, speed up your breathing. When it gets too hot
and you get too close to orgasm, slow down.

As you go faster, you will probably lose control over the subtle complexities we practiced so
far - clench on exhale etc. Don't bother, it's completely fine.

One nice trick is to flex and relax the thighs and the PC faster, along with the breath. At
some point, you can go into a kind of "vibrating" movement which can feel tremendously
wonderful.

You can also try engaging the muscles for a longer time.

Try stretching out your legs or spreading them.

Get creative, experiment with it all!

For example, try flexing on the inhale rather than the exhale. How does that feel? Personally,
I found out that the other way around feels better, but we're all different -- maybe this is
better for you.

Be sure to hit me with some feedback if you care to. You can mail me at betlamed@gmail.com, or drop a comment here on the blog!

Have fun!

Physical Self-Love Meditation: Week 5 - Visualize the energy going all around

Monday - Wednesday: Visualize the energy going all around

Do your meditation as usual.

Practice what you learned so far.

Imagine the erotic energy from your prostate/anus running through your spine, up into your heart, then down again into your belly.

Thursday - Sunday: Visualize the energy going back into your genitals

Do your meditation as usual.

Practice what you learned so far.

Imagine the erotic energy from your prostate/anus running through your spine, up into your heart, then down again, into your genitals.

Find out how this feels, as opposed to guiding it into the belly. Which is more intense? Which is more arousing? Do both have their place? Do you prefer one over the other?

Physical Self-Love Meditation: Week 4 - Visualize the Energy

Monday - Sunday:

Do your meditation as usual.    

Practice what you learned so far.

Imagine the erotic energy from your prostate/anus running through your spine, up into your heart.

Physical Self-Love Meditation: Week 3 - Let go of ejaculation

Monday: Let go of orgasm

From now on, for the rest of the course, you will stay away from ejaculating through
masturbation.

If you are in a relationship (or otherwise sexually active with others) and would prefer
to continue having sex, by all means do so. Of course, if you like, you can involve your
partners, maybe they want to take part and create their own routine...

It will happen still. If it does, enjoy it. This is not about perfectionism,
self-torture (except if you are into that of course), or about morals - this is about
realizing that the other way is as enjoyable, or even better, than the "getting-off"
type of masturbation that you were used to.

If you feel that you just have to, and the urge becomes unbearable, please just go for
it, and resume the routine on the next day.

It is very helpful to reduce your fantasies. You cannot force this, as fantasies just get
stronger if you push them away. This is where meditation comes in. It helps you
let go of the images.

Tuesday: No erection needed.

Meditate as usual.

Start your physical self-love.

Do touch yourself, but stop touching yourself whenever you have a full erection.

Aim for being flaccid most of the time.

How does it feel to touch your flaccid penis? How is it different from touching your
fully erect penis? What does it do to your psyche, your spirit? How does it feel in your body?

Wednesday: Flex PC on exhale

Meditate as usual.

Start your physical self-love.

Work with a flaccid penis.

On every exhale, flex your PC muscle.

Thursday: Relax on every inhale

Meditate as usual.

Start your physical self-love.

On every inhale, relax as much as possible. Imagine that you're "pushing out" the energy through the penis.

On every exhale, pull in your abdominal wall towards your spine

Friday: Engage your inner thighs

Meditate as usual.

Start your physical self-love.

On every inhale, relax as much as possible.

On every exhale, clench your inner thigh muscles.

Saturday: Combine PC and abdominal pull

Meditate as usual.

Start your physical self-love.

On the inhale, relax everything, push out through the penis.

On the exhale, pull in your abdominal wall and clench your PC muscle.

Sunday: Combine the muscle clenches

Meditate as usual.

Start your physical self-love.

On the inhale, relax everything, push out through the penis.

On the exhale, pull in your abdominal wall, clench your thighs, and clench your PC muscle.

Do you choose suffering?

Let us assume, for the moment, that you can escape all suffering by applying mindfulness. (I don't necessarily believe that, but I'll leave those details aside for now.)

You could then set up the following syllogism:

P1. You can escape suffering through mindfulness.

P2. You do not practice mindfulness.

C: Therefore, you choose to suffer.

With some malice, you can rephrase the conclusion:

C: Therefore, your suffering is your own fault.

Err, no.

That ignores one very important factor: You first have to know that there is indeed a way to mitigate suffering. You have to realize that mindfulness can help you. More than that, it is not enough to hear about it - you don't grasp its potential until you realize it from your own practice. And that comes at a huge cost: Time and patience.

Most of our culture, almost all of tv and youtube, all our upbringing teaches us the exact opposite: There is suffering, and you escape it by steadfastly ignoring it, or otherwise by bitching about it and blaming others. And benefits have to be immediate, or they are irrelevant.

In other words, the above syllogism ignores that you do not know about mindfulness, and it takes time and dedication to find out about it, and your ignorance is not your fault. For most of us (including yours truly), this means that we had to hit rock bottom before we were prepared to learn about practice.

Of course, now that I have practiced for a few years, I no longer have the excuse of ignorance. I still blame others, and I still blame myself, and I still do mindless stupid stuff - but each time I realize what I'm doing, I try and laugh a bit about my own stupidity, get back up and do some sitting.

Physical Self-Love Meditation: Week 2 - Go Slow

Monday - Wednesday: Reduce your fantasies

Meditate. Make it 20 minutes if possible, but any duration is good.

Do 5 minutes of PC muscle exercise right after your meditation.

Masturbate for a while without ejaculation. Try and focus on your physical feelings, rather than fantasizing.

Now, switch those fantasies into high gear. Take note of the difference, how it changes
your arousal and your ability to keep from ejaculating.

As you come, take note of what muscles are involved in it -- where those delicious, involuntary little spasms occur. Thighs? Anal sphincter? Toes? Belly? ... Take note of them all.

Thursday - Sunday: A new kind of caressing

Meditate. Make it 20 minutes if possible, but any duration is good.

Do 5 minutes of PC muscle exercise right after your meditation.

Integrate your PC muscle exercise into your daily life. You can do them every time you go to the bathroom. You can even do them in the subway, on the ride to the office!

Start your masturbation like you normally do.

Use lube freely. Don't stint it.

Instead of going straight for the head, stroke only the shaft of your penis. Avoid the head as much as possible.

Go as slow as possible, and try not to ejaculate, but if it happens, it happens.

You might feel disappointed or as if you're losing out. Don't worry -- the adventures that lie ahead will more than compensate for that.

Physical Self-Love Meditation: Week 1 - Establish Mindfulness

This week, you will still be in "normal masturbation" mode. You will ejaculate at the end of your self-love. We just add a few little gimmicks to prepare you for what's to come next.

Monday: Assess where you are right now

Get into a calm state. Meditate, or take a bath, whatever helps you.

Switch off your mobile, make sure you will not be interrupted.

If you don't have it already, buy some quality lube. It makes a lot of difference.

Prepare your masturbation ritual. Fetch the lube, if you use it, prepare the tissues,

Make your bed - whatever you need to be comfortable.

Masturbate as you usually do.

While masturbating, take note of all your feelings, your fantasies, the way you use your hand, what gets you off. As you approach orgasm, what muscles can you feel? Do you feel something in your belly? In your feet? Do you curl your toes? Does your skin tingle? Is there warmth, cold? Do you make noises? Take note of all those things.

Tuesday: Locate your PC muscle, and start training it

Instead of describing it myself, I give you a few links to a good resource.

How to find your PC muscle: https://www.liveabout.com/how-do-i-find-my-pc-muscle-2983274
PC muscle exercises: https://www.liveabout.com/how-to-do-kegel-exercises-2982440

That site recommends NOT engaging the abdomen. I think this is a good idea if you're trying to isolate the muscle, but as you'll see, I use the abdominal wall very consciously in my practice. If in doubt, find the difference and find what works best for you.

Wednesday - Sunday: Meditate, masturbate, feel

Meditate. Make it 20 minutes if possible, but any duration is good.

This is not a contest. It's not about meditating as much as possible. In my experience, a certain "switch" occurs at roughly 20 minutes. But meditation thrives by repetition, regularity -- it's better to meditate for 5 minutes each day, than for 2 hours at irregular intervals.

Why meditate?

In the context of physical self-love, meditation helps us establish mindfulness. When we are mindful, we feel our body and its reactions. Ths is the very foundation... We learn how not to cross the line, how to distinguish orgasm from ejaculation, how to feel orgasmic ecstasy even when there is no sex involved.

Do 5 minutes of PC muscle exercise right after the meditation.

Masturbate as normal. Feel the erotic energy running through in your body while you're doing so. Try to feel your Point of No Return, but don't try to delay ejaculation.

Physical Self-Love Meditation: Introduction

What is the goal of this course?

Over the last 15 years or so, I developed my own little "method" of (somewhat) tantric self-love from meditation, tantra, taoist teachings and my own experience. Whenever I try to describe my method online, I get the feedback that it is terribly complicated. Too many elements, too much to think of.

I agree!  But I can't pick it apart. All the elements work together to create the kind of bliss I now get to experience on a daily basis. My life is better for it, I would like to share it, but I realize that it can be overwhelming at first. So I set out to create a course which will guide you in adding element after element, one by one. I'm putting it out there on this blog, for the time being. Eventually, I hope to turn this into a well-structured website with additional information on my sources and links to more knowledge. Maybe an ebook, maybe a gofondme, we'll see...

I wrote this for guys (i.e., beings with a penis, whatever you prefer to be called), for the simple reason that I am a guy, I don't have a woman's body, and I have not much knowledge of how it works for women.

What are the benefits?

You will last longer in bed. More importantly, you will be a better lover.

You will feel more energetic throughout the day.

You will be able to create bliss in your body on the spot, wherever you are.

Preparation

Set aside the time you need - 25 minutes in the beginning, extending to an hour by the end.

I assume that the exercises are performed in the nude, in the bed or on the floor or on some other nice, soft, warm flat survice, comfortably lying on your back.

I recommend that you check out a habit and goal tracking app such as "7 Weeks", or a similar app. It really helps you keep control of your new habits.

Meditation and mindfulness are key. If you omit the meditation, I'm sure you get something out of it, but probably not the most you can get, so I suggest you give it a try.

The course is intended as a daily exercise lasting for six weeks. Of course, you can spread those any way you like, only doing one unit per week or whatever suits you. I'm all for regular, disciplined practice. The amount of time, in my experience, is secondary to that discipline.

Mode of publication

I will publish the course materials once per week, over the next six weeks, on this blog, every monday. I will put links to the segments for each week in this posting.

Disclaimer

I made some bold promises up there, and I base them on nothing but my own knowledge and experience. I am not a doctor. If this does not work for you, for whatever reason at all, please stop it, and go look for something else. If you are in psychotherapy or have medical issues, please discuss any lifestyle change with your MD or therapist before you move in.

My "method"

I was asked to describe my "method" of solo tantra ("edging"/"masturbation"/nonejaculatory orgasm...) over on /r/EdgingTalk.

I should probably give a little context: I went through several different stages over ~15 years. I initially started out with bdsm/chastity. Then I got into tantra, then buddhist meditation, throw in a lot of reading, and out of all that, came my little "method".

I'll give you the executive summary first:

• Breathe deep into the stomach
• Get aroused
• Use PC muscles
• Synch muscle clenches and breathing
• Use your focus 

Now for the gritty details:

I meditate daily, and I do at least some workout every day. I think this helps a lot.

I take at least an hour for the whole exercise.

I lay down, sometimes I lube up, and I do stroke the penis. I actually do go for the penis tip mostly, but I have a specific kind of stroke that works for me, it's not an up and down motion, more like a little massage. I am very aware of how soft or strong I go with this. Whenever I get hard, I stop the stroking. The way I do it, by now I simply know that it won't get me over the point of no return, but I guess everyone has to figure that out for himself.

Sometimes I stop the stroking altogether, not to avoid anything, but to feel the inner motions more strongly. I believe a lot of this has to do with focus, more than anything.

I avoid sexual imagery. It gets me over the edge fast, so I don't fantasize. Again, I think it's focus that matters most.

I focus on my breath, on my spine, on my prostate... I try to pull the focus away from the penis as much as I can.

I breathe deep into the stomach.

On the inhale, I try to completely relax the PC muscle, and I try to "push out" through the penis, as if there was sperm in there, as if an orgasm was already building up. I also clench the inner thighs, like one does in orgasm.

On the exhale, I clench the PC muscle, and I pull the stomach in as if I wanted to push out all the air. I find that combination very intense.

I change speeds, and I allow myself to be loud, moaning and groaning like in real sex. The vibration from the sounds somehow intensifies things even more.

I imagine the "orgasm energy" moving up the spine, mostly into my heart, and sometimes down again into the abdomen or even back into the genitals. I think those variations make very subtle differences.

Sometimes, when things get very intense, I completely clench my PC muscle for a while as hard as possible, or I kind of "vibrate" it, which I imagine is like a prostate massage of sorts.

Well, and that's it.

The most important part is not to expect a big "orgasm" that somehow ends it. It's more like orgasmic waves washing over me, again and again and again. It's a "the less you expect, the more you get" kind of deal. It's absolutely delicious.

The only downside is that there is no natural "endpoint", so I have to make a conscious decision to stop it, and that is really hard. But one cannot go on doing this all day, lol, and also, be advised that there may be surprisingly sore muscles after that exercise! It's all basically a stealth workout, hehe!

Why I abandoned meditation

This is part of my ongoing series of sermons to myself. Feel welcome to listen in, but don't feel obliged to think that anything I say is not ridiculous.

I started meditation back in, I think, 2003 to overcome my major depression. It worked. I got into zen buddhism.

I completely abandoned meditation, I dunno, around 2010. I did some informal practice in between, but only got back to a real, regular practice in 2017. I've become very serious about it since last fall, and I'm rather convinced that things will stay that way. (One does get older and a bit more stable over the years.)

I stand by my choice to have left the practice. It was a necessary step for me, and I think my current practice is probably in a way "better" for it.

So why did I leave?

I felt I was losing some desires and strong motivations which I wanted to keep.

I was steeped in buddhist ideas and metaphysics, my skeptical mind started rejecting all that. It was impossible to keep up the practice while going through that rejection process. That process turned out to have been very important for me.

It was impossible to maintain the practice, while criticising behaviour in others. Back then, I wasn't quite aware of it, but right now, I think that that is one big issue in my practice, and I think there was some intuition about it back then, too.

We do live in a world. I live in a democratic country. I am supposed to have opinions, and I think I should have opinions. Stuff is going on in my family, I am called to take sides, and I cannot easily just abandon them to have my beloved inner peace.

I find it very challenging to reconcile my practice, developing empathy, being with what is, while at the same time being aware that some things are hurtful, destructive, unwise, unskillful.

To me, that is where stoicism comes in. It helps me try and phrase my objections to actions instead of people, and to try and find formulations that are not hurtful. I find that one very simple, non-"spiritual", woo-free, pragmatic question very helpful: What is really under my control? Your actions are not under my control. If you decide to do something that I find immoral, then you sure have your reasons for it. But I can help you decide what actions to take, if you are prepared to listen.

If I encounter a situation where I think I must object, I will not try not to voice my objection. That would violate my ethics. I will not even try to be especially soft or persuasive about it. I will just try to be as logical as possible, laying my arguments out on the table; and I will try to let go of the idea that I can make the other person act or think the way I want.

Meditation and Mindfulness

People often describe mindfulness as "paying attention to whatever is happening in the now".



I think that this is a good example of how describing things from one's own experience, and then encoding them in religion, can lead to unfortunate results. (On the other hand, if you would like to preserve some "knowledge" that you deem worthy at ca 500 BC, man, what'cha gonna do?)

After all, when you're completely absorbed in your "monkey mind", then that's what you experience here and now, isn't it?

Just a few scattered remarks:

1) Mindfulness does feel like "paying attention to the here and now" to me - kinda/sorta.

2) Meditation is not the same as mindfulness. When we define mindfulness as above, then meditation might be the training ground. We practice a very specific (and deceptively simple) type of focus. This leads you away from identifying with your thoughts all the time, from being driven by that hodgepodge of melodramatic and emotional self-talk that (yes! from my experience, definitely yes!) we all engage in all the time. It makes sense to think that this leads you to a calmer mind (many people attest to that), which in turn might enable you to see things more like they really are (many people think that this is the case)... but is that necessarily true? Ugh. I don't know.

3) It is certainly true that whatever I experience now, including every thought, is precisely the "here and now", so why go look for it elsewhere? (There are people who think that liberation lies in realizing precisely this... look up "advaita vedanta" and nondualism.) But there is also the strange fact that we can look at our own thoughts from the outside, which is, in a way, what we do in meditation. So, maybe, we just build up an alternative way to look at ourselves, which might be practical or not, but probably can't hurt as long as you don't obsess over it.

4) Obsessing over it, ascribing way too much to it is one big mistake that is made all to often in "spiritual" flowery-powery newey-agey circles. And in buddhist circles, I guess. Some people do think that there is super-power in enlightenment.

5) Many people get into meditation by way of religion, often buddhist or hindu. Even without it, there are often "spiritual" overtones. So people go into it with certain expectations, and what they get out, unsurprisingly, tends to coincide with those. (Rare is the buddhist who got converted to Islam by her daily meditations. Not that they don't exist, I'm sure there are a few...)

6) "Seeing things for what they really are" can have a very specific meaning in buddhism which does not necessarily have a lot to do with "being in the here and now".

7) I do know that I am way less anxious, way more focused if I meditate regularly. I think I'm friendlier, and I definitely engage in fewer online fights. It is easier to eat good healthy food now, and I do my daily workout with joy instead of resistance. So, yeeey. (Could be shared cause instead of direct causation, of course.) I cannot deny that I sometimes think about "enlightenment", I do sooo like to dabble in half-buddhist thought, and sure would like to attain "it" - but I'm reasonably certain that that is bullshit, the brain does not allow for it, and one should give up on nirvana or anything of that kind.

8) I reject reincarnation, karma, and all that junk.

9) My favourite expression for my own goal wrt meditation is: I want to stop falling for my own bullshit. I have the impression that it does actually work.

10) If you want to try it, try it. If you don't, don't. If you try it, and it works, keep it. If you try it, and it doesn't work, then stop trying it and look for something else.

11) Enlightenment is shit on a stick.

Accepting your sex fantasies can tame them

I am a guy in his 40s.  I have vague memories of a time when I was obsessed with sexual fantasies. I was young, immature, insecure, and I fapped off twice a day. I fantasised about bdsm-y things long before the internet, back in 1987 or so, and I was scared shitless.

I got into the bdsm scene around 2000. I lived out a bit of my fantasies, but the reality was rather frustrating: There was little action, my relationships were semi-functional, my fantasies were still rather obsessive.

Then I got into meditation, and, making a very long story (that involved many fights and struggles) very short, I learned two things:

1) You can let your fantasies glide through you, accepting that they come and go, not holding on to what you can't keep anyway.

2) You can enjoy your fantasies for what they are, instead of trying to make them come true; another way to look at this is that they are true, just not in physical reality, but inside your head.

I am now in a committed, "vanilla", monogamous, and very happy relationship. I have been for five years, so it's decidedly not just "new relationship enthusiasm". I never cheated, and I don't think I ever will. I sometimes fantasize about dick, but in all likelihood, I will never go through with that. And that is completely fine.  I don't think I prioritize the relationship. I don't give up one thing for another.

I often put my fantasies into sex stories. That's the only obsessive aspect that's left -- I have a hard time writing non-perverted material. I always end up incorporating some form of bdsm. But I have the impression that this is slowly gravitating towards a healthy form of integration, in which bdsm and non-consensual perverted sex are just parts of the story along with character development and compelling plots.

I think that many people have a dogma that sexual fantasies have to be lived out, or else they become obsessive or destructive. I think that this is wrong. They become obsessive when you desire them to be what they are not -- reality -- and you can't have that for whatever reason. So there are two things you can change, in order to become happier: You can make your fantasies real, or you can change that desire.

To be sure, if there is a good way to go for it, and nobody gets hurt, then that is wonderful, and I'm the last person to discourage you. Nobody should ever try to forcefully keep you from living out your fantasies! Sometimes, it's simply a good idea. Other times, it's not.

Of course, a lot of what I'm saying is probably down to getting older, and the hormone change that implies. There is a strong bias (I forget its name) to overestimate the influence of one's actions, and disregard pure circumstance. And I never performed any scientific studies to back up my claim, so take this with a huge grain of salt and check it against your own experiences!

TL;DR: Accepting is not the same thing as living out a fantasy. Accepting it is way more important. Often, when you do either thing, the other stops being an issue. So the question to solve is, which one is easier.

I am enlightened!

It is done. The work is over. Everything falls into place.

Truly, the world does not really exist. I am but a part of the Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. There is no more suffering. Not for me, man. I'm done with it.

We are all interlinked. Panta rei. Everything is connected to everything else. Discursive thinking is blahblah, duhduhduh, monkey minding monkey mind. You and me are all the same, that's the name of the rhyming... um... frame.

There is reason and purpose in the universe. Everything is exactly as it should be. You are perfect.

There is no self. No, not really, but there is not a self. There is not-self. And there is not not-self. And all of these, and not quite, but almost. The All is the One is the None. And I am enlightened.

Things are without essence, impermanent, unsatisfying.

Just let your thoughts pass. Let them go. The Buddha says what the Dalai Lama says what Thich Nhat Hanh says (and Thanissaro Bhikku, too, and basically Eckart Tolle) what I say what I like to be said by old sages. Some of whom can't defend themselves any longer on account of their being dead and rotten.

Oh, and Jesus, of course, says the same thing too. Basically.

And it's really a process, and nobody can describe it, and the Buddha and Jesus and Eckart Tolle didn't mean it that way at all, quite regardless of how you phrased it, you're always wrong, right from the start.

This is stream entry! Yippee. It's the first jhana. Let us jump into the flow!

I am an enlightened being.

All of these did I find. All of them, and then some. And yet, none of them at all.
All of them did I find in my meditation.

And I came out of my meditation, same old me, with my scars and fears and anxieties.

All of these, did I find them in meditation?
It would seem so, when I sit down and when I gather myself up again.

But who did say what, who said what first? Did I honestly find it in meditation? Or did I just take it with me into my sittings, and then pretend? When I first sat down, did I not go in with an expectation already established? Is it any surprise that I found just precisely what I had read in the books?

If I found that the self is eternal, that discursive thinking is the only reliable path to truth and math describes the universe perfectly, that things are eternal and solid and real, that the Buddha was wrong and Ajahn Brahm was a big fat liar... now, THAT would have been a surprise, and it might have had some significance.

If Siddharta Gotama himself had come out of his final enlightenment experience, telling everyone that the sun consists largely of hydrogen, or that there was no reincarnation, the Jews were right all along, and karma was a false teaching - now, *that* would have been significant.

As things are, I only managed to solidify my beliefs and get my hopes high. And so did dear Siddharta. Or not?

I am so fucking enlightened, it's not even funny.

(Sorry for my little ruse. I hope you saw through it right from the start. If you didn't, I hope you were able to get a bit of a healthy shock out of it.)

Discovering stoicism / general update

I just realized I haven't blogged in a while.

For shame!

As the title suggests, I recently got into the stoa. Mainly I've been reading a modern popular introduction by Massimo Pigliucci, and then went on to study me some Epiktet.

I find that stoicism gives me a really good cognitive framework for my meditative practice. It's like the other half of buddhism, the intellectual part of the practice; replacing those parts of buddhism I reject.

Two main ideas that I really enjoy: the "dichotomy of control" and the idea that you should only care about your own virtue, everything else is simply not your concern. It sounds grim, but once you're into it, it's highly liberating and very joyful.

The core idea is very simple, even trivial, but pose a lifelong challenge: Only some things are under your control. Your judgments are under your control. Your opinions, desires, aversions are under your control. On the other hand, your body is not under your control.

(Of course, our desires are not directly under our control, it takes time and practice, and a good reason for practicing, to get there, and the work is probably never finished.)

It's a fundamentally good place to start. There are even a lot of practical exercises. The only thing it doesn't seem to have, is a formal meditation practice.

Which brings me to...

I am now into regular, formal practice. First time in my life. I do one hour per day. I have done so for maybe two months now. It's tremendously, enormously beneficial. Anger goes away much faster, impacts me much less. I sometimes almost grasp impermanence and no-self, for a bit. Lots of anxieties just fall away.

Plus, it helps me keep up a good exercise regime, which is really good for my diabetes and my CP.

Interesting how I tried to read up on stoicism a few years ago, because one of my best friends is into it a lot. I just didn't grok it. Now, with regular meditation, suddenly it's... fairly obvious, really. Almost self-evident. A lot of the time, when I read the stuff, I'm like "oh yeah, sure, why didn't I see it before?"

I'm actually meditating (ha) to go on a buddhist weekend retreat next year. I just really really would like to beware of any cultish groups (I don't mind mainstream buddhism, I don't have to agree with what they say), and I need them to realize that I have to have some kind of back rest, I simply cannot sit in a lotus pose for more than a few minutes.

So, yey, I guess.

Also, the sex has never been better, thanks for asking. :-)

Mindfulness is not a value in itself, but it is a core skill

I advocate three core skills:

Rationality and compassion, supported by mindfulness.

I recommend basic mindfulness meditation - sitting, breathing, focusing on the breath - as the best tool I ever learned to develop mindfulness.

For those who are interested, I suggest to learn basic "tantric" exercises - breathing, pelvic floor training, letting go of orgasm as the primary goal of sexual activity.

If you really want to, I suggest to experiment with some form of chastity/nofap/semen retention, and visualisation. In my experience, they make life easier and more fun.

I suspect that every exercise that incorporates mindful breathing and gets you more "into the body" will be a good supporting practice: yoga, qi gong, tai chi, etc.

Imagine...

Assume that it was possible to be in a state of bliss nearly all of your waking time.

Try to go beyond the nice little fantasy that probably evokes. Imagine it's really, really possible. You have reached that state. You can have that.

Would you want it? I mean, really, truly want it? Would you consider it a good thing? Might there be a downside to it, such as losing your sex drive, your passion for art or for your significant other?

These days, I often have the impression that I could be going there, at least for a while. All that tantric breathing stuff seams to really pay off now. At least, I am very much closer to this goal (which I never really knew I had, to be honest), than a few months ago.

I'm not at all certain if this is such an awfully good idea.

"Seeing things for what they really are" in Buddhism

Don't be fooled.

When buddhists talk about seeing things for what they really are (as they are wont to do), they do not mean anything the pesky nonbuddhists might imagine. Such as, seeing the sunrise in all its glory, or seeing the beautiful woman in the street as a real person instead of a sex object (hey, it's summer, guys, I'm just as horny as you!).

The phrase means to see things as impermanent, unsatisfactory, and void of self. These are called the Three Marks of Existence. They are directly connected with the Four Noble Truths and are fundamental axioms of the buddhist philosophy.

You may or may not subscribe to this worldview. Fine if you do. Fine if you don't.

I urge you to remember that this is a religious doctrine. Every valuable spiritual experience in buddhism is supposed to confirm it. If you come out of a meditation session with the revelation that things are permanent and very satisfactory indeed, you'll probably be escorted, very gently, out of the sangha. Or at least seen as a very odd kind of buddhist.

This ties into what I said earlier about Experience and Religion. The truth is, there is no way of directly experiencing all things as afflicted with the Three Marks. You simply don't have the experience of all things.

The Anicca part is the least problematic of the three. We all seem to experience that things start end end. Meditation makes it very apparent that this is the case for our emotions and thoughts, and it does so in a highly productive way. But if you jump from this experience, as universal as it seems to be, to a global assertion about everything in all possible universes, you're committing a fallacy of induction. All you can really say is that it is true, with very high probability, of everything you will ever experience.

Anatta suffers from the same problem, but on top of that, it is rather hard to define what a self really is, and whether this is not just a repetition of Anicca from another perspective.

Dukkha is a different beast. It doesn't fit in with the other two. Anicca and Anatta are ontological axioms, whereas dukkha has an element of psychology to it. Lumping it together with the other two seems inconsistent. It has little to do with "how things really are", and more with "how I relate to things".

In conclusion, I believe that buddhism asks you to take a few key assertions on blind faith, and then reassert them with every "experience" that you have. Buddhists do not experience the Three Marks, but they take them for granted, and then use this framework to interpret their experiences. The experience itself, I maintain, is anonymous. It might be better if we tried not to interpret it at all.


It is a religion. Don't be fooled.

Instead, meditate.

Experience and Religion

Assume you start out with meditation.

Presumably, you first read a book on buddhism, or attend a retreat or a yoga class. Then you sit down and do your thing.

Surprise, surprise! You find out that all thing are empty and void of self, that life is dukkha, and nothing is permanent.

The big question is: Looking inside, focusing on your breath -- what would you have found out, had you not read that book first?

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This is a real pickle. You can never be sure whether the insights you purportedly gained from your own experience are really yours, or just something you learned from others.

In buddhism, the experiences you have in meditation are always interpreted as evidence that the dharma is true. That is religious bullshit, in all its devastating glory.

Do you REALLY think that everything is impermanent etc.? Does that REALLY follow from your own experience? In almost all cases, I'm fairly confident that the answer to that is a resounding "no". At the very least, it would probably not lead to ideas of karma, reincarnation, and  boddhisattvas in bright robes...

You can derive, from the very same experience, that there is an eternal, albeit anonymous, self that watches everything. You can also derive that you are a brain in a vat.

I think that it is highly important, eventually, to liberate yourself from the teachings, and start to actually look at your own experience.

I wonder what this means for religions other than buddhism, too.