A survey on YOUR sexual abstinence practice. Wanna take part?

I created a survey about sexual abstinence practices. It is designed to be as encompassing as I could manage (though I am sure I missed some potential aspects).

I created it strictly to satisfy my own curiosity. I will post the results here after about a month, some time in February, 2023. (The results will not be published until after the survey is closed, so as to not skew the data.)

It consists of 21 questions, so it should only take 5-10 minutes to participate.

The survey is intended for the practitioners of some kind of abstinence practice - nofap, tantra, semen retention, etc.

Thanks for taking part!

What works for me...

After not-ejaculating for two months (many years ago), after 213 days of nofap, I have some good news and some bad news for you. However, whether the news is good or bad, depends on your current position in life, your goals, and your personal ideology.

I can't claim to know that any of this is universally true, it all comes from my own experience, my reading-list and my biases. I won't bother to preface every single sentence with a disclaimer. When I say "you", it is just a figure of speech, a generalisation of my own experiences. **Your experience may differ.** If some part of this seems to work for you, great! Embrace it, leave a comment, move on. If you disagree with something, fine! Leave a comment if you like. Find your own path!

On to the list...

1. You can experience bliss, right now, as soon as you let go of some misconceptions and do a few simple exercises.
2. You do not have to change your beliefs to experience bliss.
3. The simpler, the better!
4. SMILE! As much as you can. Even if you don't feel like it. *Especially* when you don't feel like it. It will improve your mood.
5. The most fundamental, most important practice, is breathing. There are many different breathing techniques.
6. Do one minute of very deep breathing, slightly forceful, in through the nose and out through the mouth.
7. DO IT RIGHT NOW!
8. RIGHT NOW, I SAID!!!
9. LOL.
10. You will experience resistance. (Trust me. You will. It's the one thing I believe is absolutely true for everybody.) Your mind will tell you that this is all just imagination, it cannot possibly help you in the long run, you're not worth it, and so on. This is probably one of the most widespread experiences.
11. Regular exercises and long walks improve the mood much more than I ever imagined.
12. Engage the muscles! Specifically, the belly and inner thighs.
13. Make [PC muscle exercises](https://www.wikihow.com/Do-PC-Muscle-Exercises).
14. Meditation is a great tool. The more regular, the better.
15. Yoga will teach you to be mindful of your movements - i.e., co-ordinate breathing with muscle-tension and thinking.
16. In order to visualize "energy", you do not have to believe in it.
17. Cold water seems to help regulate dopamine, relieve anxieties and improve mood. (I cannot do cold showers, sadly, because they give me cramps. I do cold half-showers, and they are helpful, too.)
18. Nofap / SR are great supporting practices, as they will give you more discipline, more confidence, and great insights into yourself.
19. The less social media, the better.
20. Have a backup plan for when you "fail". Knowing how to get back on track is more important than never getting off track.
21. View it all as one big, fun experiment.
22. Journalling can help keep you straight and honest. If you strive for physical changes, take a photo every day.
23. View input from others as inspiration, not binding instructions.
24. That goes for this posting too, of course.
25. Always remain skeptical of all methods, especially if you feel like they are silver bullets and can help all of humanity. Chances are they are not, and they can not. Silver bullets do not exist. Be content if you found something that helps you. It's more than most people ever get.
26. If you find something that seems to work for you, try it for a week, then two, then commit to a longer experiment.
27. Always try out new things. Always improve your own method.
28. Find your own path.

Sidenote:

Self-hypnosis, NLP, and other such stuff have helped me a lot.... but I had to get ready first. It's hard to know when it's time to delve into such things. I'd recomment you avoid the rabbit-holes that can come with them - specifically the pickup/PUA/seduction communities, which are rife with misogyny, inceldom and just plain B.S.

 (First posted on reddit.)

A Weekend of Dominance and Submission

I haven't talked about the bdsm aspects of my journey an awful lot on this blog. Probably because the connection between submission, tantra and spirituality was still kind of blurry for me.

Anyway, last weekend, my wonderful wife and I engaged in one of our D/s weekends.

As always, I served her every need. I did the groceries and prepared the meals, I gave her footbaths and foot massages, I pampered her in any way possible. Adored her, cherished her, whispered all possible sweet nothings I could fathom.

Come sexy time, there was a lot of kneeling in the nude, there was biting and scratching, ballbusting and other fun stuff I won't mention to protect the guilty.

I got to experience what bdsm folks call "flying". It's an incredible feeling, and I highly recommend it - only, you have to be a masochist to enjoy it, terribly sorry for the rest of you poor souls out there!

I ate her out whenever she wanted (which can never be often enough for my delicate taste!).

When I was allowed inside her, I absolutely refrained from cumming.

In many ways, this is the best part. The karezza folks really seem to be right about that - for whatever hormonal reason, it creates an incredible sense of intimacy and connection. It feels like falling in love again for the first time, only about a hundred times more intense and rewarding, more conscious, more "I hand myself over" than the "knock-on-the-head inevitable" style you see in the movies.

Am I weird in thinking about 1 Co 11 in that context? ἐν τῇ νυκτὶ ᾗ παρεδίδετο... Yes, definitely weird! The good kind thereof.

I'm still on a high. Every breath fills me with insane bliss, coupled with the best form of horniness you can find. It's truly amazing.

Of course, all of this is only possible because we build on the trust and connection forged in almost 8 years of relationship - all the troubles, ups and downs, tragedies and accidents small and large. You can't build this overnight. You can't have it with a total stranger. Not to knock one-night stands, everything has it's own advantages - that's just not one of them.

I love the idea that my kinks, my interest in chastity and nofap, can be part of building up this larger thing, this together-thing, this beautiful manifestation of love. I always somehow wanted that. I always thought that it was inside this whole kink thing, somehow, somewhere... and now I know.

Diary of a nofap streak - Day 20: The Heat

There are times on this journey when the energy gets overwhelmingly strong. It feels incredibly good, but at the same time, you're very much overpowered and can do nothing but surrender.

A good thing it's a saturday and I don't have to go to work.

I can totally imagine a situation where I would wank off just to get rid of the heat. Just so I could get some work done.

It's very blissful. Remember my older solemn tantric oath: Give in to it. Feel it through and through. Surrender to it. Own it. Make it mine, or rather make me its. Give in. And just like that, the angst and the anxiety vanish, and it is all good.

There is no need to fight it. There is no need to do anything but accept. This is what is, right now.

It is quite unspeakable. It's like my body is filled with pleasure and lust, desire and satisfaction rolled up into one. It's a tingling and a heat and a little dizziness. It starts from the spine, spreads through my belly and chest, into my arms and legs, even the head.

I revel in the knowledge that there is no supernatural. Imagining this to be an entity of its own, with a will separate from my own, doing stuff to me that I cannot control, and potentially will never stop, would be quite unsettling.

---

Reddit thread: https://www.reddit.com/r/Joyful_Chastity/comments/huosv1/getting_back_into_chastity/

Diary of a nofap streak - Day 19: Preliminary Conclusions

Sometimes it would be nice to believe: That there is actually a deeper level. A higher consciousness. The universe as a conscious being. There is a power. If you perform a specific ritual, it actually has supernatural effects. The wonderful feelings in my spine are real energy and can be directed to perform healing, effect change in the real world, make me enlightened.

I've read a lot of esoteric and religious stuff. I'm forever fascinated by it. I absolutely get the appeal.

I could write books about it. In a way, I try to do just that. My stories revolve around people who believe all kinds of woo. I love those ideas. I love trying to put myself in the head of a true believer. I love to meditate on the effects they have in people's lives - the good and the bad and the just plain weird.

But those stories are fictive, all the magical effects are my inventions.

If several weeks of semen retention made my skin glow, made women come on to me out of nowhere, made my hair softer, my voice heavier, made me need less sleep (source 1, source 2), that would certainly be a hint that something is going on. However, none of that has happened so far.

(Better memory? You gotta be kiddin' me. I have terrible memory. Any tiny little hint that this has improved, would most certainly be well noted by me. If all it took to get better recollection, was abstaining from sex for a little while longer, boy would I go for it!)

What HAS happened, and reliably does happen indeed, is a subjective feeling of increased energy, a better ability to create bliss on the spot by breathing, a deep relaxation. My back is definitely better.

All the effects that are easy to explain by placebo, or by other livestyle changes*), actually appear. Everything that would be tangible evidence of semen retention per se, does not.

Yes, it hasn't been 90 days, but merely ca 20. I maintain there should be at least some visible change by now, if semen retention actually worked.

To me, the conclusion is pretty obvious: Chastity is good practice that will likely enhance your spiritual practice, especially if you combine it with yoga and tantric breathing techniques, and it can surely improve your sexual life. If you kink out on it, so much the better! But it does not change your body, it does not change your character in a fundamental way, it does not magically turn you into a chick magnet, it doesn't give you any superpowers.

I will stay off masturbation for the time being - at least to the end of August. I will keep up this journal till then, just to keep me on track. I will try and go for one ejaculation every 2-3 weeks, so my wife and I can enjoy those glorious moments of togetherness. I think this is a reasonable plan to move forward, given the evidence. I would love nothing more than go for the full 90 days just to have undeniable knowledge, but I simply cannot do that to my marriage, especially not right now given some circumstances in our life right now.

---

*) not to mention one week of holidays, with yet another ahead. Definitely has an effect.

---

Reddit thread: https://www.reddit.com/r/Joyful_Chastity/comments/huosv1/getting_back_into_chastity/

Diary of a nofap streak - Day 18: When desire hits...

...give in to it!

Good thing I'm staying home today, for the most part (we're visiting friends tonight, first time since c* - haven't seen them in over 6 months).

Here's the challenge: When the urge comes, give in to it. Absolutely, deeply, completely hand yourself over.

The catch? Don't jerk off. Don't even touch yourself. Breathe deep. Inhale horniness, exhale pure lust.

Jerking off is not giving in to the urge. Jerking off is the opposite. Jerking off is an attempt to end the urge, scratch it away like an itch.

But a self-respecting itch doesn't end there. It is stronger than you, and much more intelligent! It comes back with a vengeance. Fighting it does not work. What works (I hope) is completely accepting it, stepping deep into the fire, clothing myself with it, transforming unbearable yearning into satisfaction and delight merely by realizing that that is its real nature.

I think that this might be the actual hidden wisdom of tantra: that lust, desire, and rejection can be used as pathways to insight - as opposed to the consensus buddhist view *), which sees them as mere obstacles. That ultimate satisfaction is a seed buried within desire itself, not achieved through fulfilment, but found through acceptance, by looking close enough.

I had a very bad night. Didn't get to sleep, then woke from a nightmare, then woke up at 3am and couldn't get back to sleep. Looking forward to that construction work, yay! But, maybe right because I'm so bleary-eyed, I'm also on the verge of orgasm without even doing anything. So this may turn out to be the day I end the streak just so I can get some sleep - or, it ends up the day on which I discover something completely new and sensational... of which you, my dear reader - if you indeed exist - would get to read tomorrow.

We'll see. Oh, we shall see!

---

*) term shamelessly stolen from David Chapman

---

Reddit thread: https://www.reddit.com/r/Joyful_Chastity/comments/huosv1/getting_back_into_chastity/

Diary of a nofap streak - Day 8: Pride

I feel proud for having made the first week. At the same time, I feel slightly silly for being proud. I've been there before. It keeps getting easier, and it keeps getting better.

It feels the better, the less pressure I put upon myself. This is a perfect opportunity to re-evaluate the performance-oriented model of chastity: people comparing streaks and meticulously noting benefits. The obsession with results is the opposite of what I'm trying to accomplish. Thinking back,  my whole submissiveness, my tantra, my chastity -- it was all about letting go of the goal-oriented model.

Not that goals are bad, mind you. Only when they turn into obsession, is when we have an issue. And in the modern, capitalist, patriarchal society, they do so very predictably, almost inevitably, and in a very ugly, destructive way. I think that a lot of the ugliness of current mainstream porn comes from that focus.

Something I'm even more proud of, is that we had anorgasmic sex again last night. I suspect my wife suspects that I'm on chastity again, what with the amped-up attention and sexy times. We haven't talked about it yet, for lack of downtime.

She came home from work - what a lovely inversion of our old dynamic! - I licked the sweat off her whole body, gave her head for a sweet long time, entered her and rested in her. It was precious. There was no pressure to cum, and then it just kind of... ended, when we both felt it was time. We spent the rest of the evening next to each other, each one doing his/her thing, sometimes exchanging a few words and glances and kisses. I made a point of not letting her do any work until bedtime. (She feeds the cats at night, and any attempt at taking that away would lead to trouble.) I will try to increase that further, as much as I can. This is a practice in jumping over one's shadow, letting go of a bit of ego. Which can never be detrimental.

I feel like "anorgasmic sex" is too clinical a term. It's much closer to "making love" in an almost literal sense, than "normal" sex. It's incredibly tender, obviously it's very slow, very intimate. At the same time, it is in some way very animalistic.

I feel incredibly motivated to please and serve, and in a somewhat ironic twist, it doesn't feel submissive (as in bdsm), it just feels RIGHT. Not an obligation, but a privilege. Like this is what I truly want, always have wanted: to serve another human being - not necessarily in a kinky way only, but on a very real, fundamentally human level.

Funny how kink can turn one into a monk.

Diary of a nofap streak - Day 6: Skepticism

It is true that I feel exhilarated. Thursday night still lingers with me, and while my wife and I momentarily don't get to see each other as much as we'd like due to life throwing stuff at us, when we do see each other there's a spark.

Last night was stressful and strenuous, we had new ikea furniture to unpack, an essential part was missing, we ended up falling into bed late at night... I still got up early this morning, I already got a bit of writing done and it isn't even noon --  which never ever happens on a saturday! Keeping the chaste is incredibly easy right now. There is no temptation. The horniness I feel, mostly in my prostate, is breathed throughout the body, and it all feels very good, even blissful.

So - win for the streak team right? Nofap works! Benefits are real! Semen contains the energy! If you preserve it, your skin will start to glow! Scientists in the 19th century said so, as well as hindu gurus from 3000 years ago!

Well... yeah, no. Really, no.

I actually keep a habits diary (of my own coding, hehe). My current streak of writing and increased productivity began BEFORE the chastity. So if anything, the productivity boost enabled the semen-retention, not the other way around. It is easier to allow myself the pleasurable feelings because I know I'm more productive, so I can grant myself some time just enjoying. Not to mention that there's a holiday coming up, I'm a bit more relaxed with my day job -- after 18 months, I just know how to deal with it better. Plus, I've been through chastity streaks before, I know what's in store, and that makes it easier to deal with.

It all goes back to my "spiral theory". It doesn't matter much WHERE you start to change, as long as you do. Positive change in one place almost inevitably triggers positive change all over.

I should also mention that it's not entirely true that ALL has changed for the better. I eat terrible food right now because of our interior redesign and because my back is in a terrible shape, so standing up is painful, and cooking is not an option. All of this will be dealt with of course -

Why am I going on about this? Because I know how easy it is to fall into the trap of wishful thinking: "I made this one change, I stopped wanking, around which, let's admit it, we all have some shame - and now my life is entirely different, I feel so much bliss - so I'm going to draw the conclusion that it's the nofap that causes all that change, and then I will steadfastly refuse to take in any more information, and I will be a rightful semenretention apologist, and everybody who has doubts is a cumhead and a notorious wanker and can just bugger off." I think that this is destructive, hurtful and bound to fail. One reason for writing this diary, is to present a somewhat better, more scrutinous, more careful and skeptical way of going about a nofap/sr streak.

Still, I gotta say... The best sex of my life happened on thursday, and it was anorgasmic (for me) and multiple-orgasmic (for my wife). There is undoubtedly something to that, at least if you're a denial-craving subbie like me.

---

Reddit thread: https://www.reddit.com/r/Joyful_Chastity/comments/huosv1/getting_back_into_chastity/

You don't have to be a label

Okay, I admit that this fundamental wisdom is quite the deepity - but it hit me like a sledgehammer earlier today, so I'd like to share it:

You don't have to be a bdsmer just to do some bdsm stuff.

I self-identified as a sub for the better part of my adult life. First you struggle, then you get used to it, and at some point you take it for granted.

However, the more I actually practice some bdsm rituals with my wonderful lady, the more they  become just another expression of our love. This makes me question why I should self-identify with the label at all.

bdsm is just a set of activities. If you like to create an identity around those, fine, go ahead, it's not a bad thing per se, and it will bring you in community with a lot of interesting folks - but it's really not needed if you just want to tie your partner to the bed.

No need to be a tantrik either, just to breathe and masturbate. And indeed, do you have to "be a christian" just to believe something, or to attend some church?

Of course, arguably, if you believe that Jesus rose from the dead and saved us all, then you're a christian by definition.

But there is a difference between accepting a label just because the definition fits, and self-identifying with that label.

My hunch is that this latter way of dealing with labels is where all the trouble lies. It is fairly obvious that - while your beliefs sure inform your actions and form your character - you are not simply defined by your beliefs.  You are not a christian, and nothing but a christian - you're a christian and a father/mother, son/daughter, student, hacker, etc.

It is also obvious that such identification can lead to ugly stuff like suicide bombings or flying planes into buildings - or, a bit less dramatically, to vote for a party that does not actually support you or your causes.

Another obvious deepity is that identification with a label does not necessarily make you a suicide bomber. In fact, it might inspire you to do a world of good.

So where does that leave us? Personally, I get ever more wary of labels, the older I get. I find that in many cases, they are - not so much evil, but - unneeded, unhelpful. I don't think we can ever get rid of them, but I think that it makes sense to not identify with any one label too much.

Salespitch for the Tantric Mindset

There is this mindset of "self-improvement". People come from a place of deficiency. They are less-than. Not-quite. In dire need of improvement.

To me, this is epitomized in communities such as /r/nofap and /r/pornfree.

The idea is that "I have this obsession, I have to get rid of it, so I have to renounce this pleasure to reach my goal."

In this view, you are a victim of porn, of your imagination, of your desires, your habits, of your own weakness - and by willpower and strength and stamina and renunciation, you overcome your demons and break free.

This is fairly logical and consistent of course. I won't deny that this may well be the only viable way for a lot of people. It's the obvious thing.

If this is you, and if it works for you and makes you happy, stop reading and just do what you do.

There might be another way.

What if I told you that desire is not necessarily a call to the finish line? What if an urge was not necessarily something to fulfill? What if an empty hole does not necessarily cry for water to fill it?

Duh. What else would it be.

What if you learned to enjoy the urge itself?

What if there was joy in being with desire?

What if you learned how to see the urge, not as something to fulfill or to kill or overcome - but as something satisfying in and of itself?

What if discipline created its own reward?

In essence, this is the secular tantric *) mindset. Secular tantric practice is growing into that mindset.

Don't be fooled. It takes time, it takes discipline, it takes dedication. It's not the quick fix. And a certain openness to "spirituality", while not a prerequisite, might help. **)

But man is it good.

--------------------------

*) Disclaimers apply: It's not "authentic tantra", it's just western secular sexual "energy" practice, yadda yadda yadda da.

**) You might even develop a certain "spiritual attitude" when you practice, to your own surprise, even against your will. You have been warned.

When you let go of the need for "orgasm"...

...you can discover that you never knew what an orgasm really was.

Physical Self-Love Meditation: Week 6 - Finishing Touches

Monday - Sunday: Go faster, vibrate, get creative

When you want more, hotter, more intense experiences, speed up your breathing. When it gets too hot
and you get too close to orgasm, slow down.

As you go faster, you will probably lose control over the subtle complexities we practiced so
far - clench on exhale etc. Don't bother, it's completely fine.

One nice trick is to flex and relax the thighs and the PC faster, along with the breath. At
some point, you can go into a kind of "vibrating" movement which can feel tremendously
wonderful.

You can also try engaging the muscles for a longer time.

Try stretching out your legs or spreading them.

Get creative, experiment with it all!

For example, try flexing on the inhale rather than the exhale. How does that feel? Personally,
I found out that the other way around feels better, but we're all different -- maybe this is
better for you.

Be sure to hit me with some feedback if you care to. You can mail me at betlamed@gmail.com, or drop a comment here on the blog!

Have fun!

Physical Self-Love Meditation: Week 5 - Visualize the energy going all around

Monday - Wednesday: Visualize the energy going all around

Do your meditation as usual.

Practice what you learned so far.

Imagine the erotic energy from your prostate/anus running through your spine, up into your heart, then down again into your belly.

Thursday - Sunday: Visualize the energy going back into your genitals

Do your meditation as usual.

Practice what you learned so far.

Imagine the erotic energy from your prostate/anus running through your spine, up into your heart, then down again, into your genitals.

Find out how this feels, as opposed to guiding it into the belly. Which is more intense? Which is more arousing? Do both have their place? Do you prefer one over the other?

Physical Self-Love Meditation: Week 4 - Visualize the Energy

Monday - Sunday:

Do your meditation as usual.    

Practice what you learned so far.

Imagine the erotic energy from your prostate/anus running through your spine, up into your heart.

Physical Self-Love Meditation: Week 3 - Let go of ejaculation

Monday: Let go of orgasm

From now on, for the rest of the course, you will stay away from ejaculating through
masturbation.

If you are in a relationship (or otherwise sexually active with others) and would prefer
to continue having sex, by all means do so. Of course, if you like, you can involve your
partners, maybe they want to take part and create their own routine...

It will happen still. If it does, enjoy it. This is not about perfectionism,
self-torture (except if you are into that of course), or about morals - this is about
realizing that the other way is as enjoyable, or even better, than the "getting-off"
type of masturbation that you were used to.

If you feel that you just have to, and the urge becomes unbearable, please just go for
it, and resume the routine on the next day.

It is very helpful to reduce your fantasies. You cannot force this, as fantasies just get
stronger if you push them away. This is where meditation comes in. It helps you
let go of the images.

Tuesday: No erection needed.

Meditate as usual.

Start your physical self-love.

Do touch yourself, but stop touching yourself whenever you have a full erection.

Aim for being flaccid most of the time.

How does it feel to touch your flaccid penis? How is it different from touching your
fully erect penis? What does it do to your psyche, your spirit? How does it feel in your body?

Wednesday: Flex PC on exhale

Meditate as usual.

Start your physical self-love.

Work with a flaccid penis.

On every exhale, flex your PC muscle.

Thursday: Relax on every inhale

Meditate as usual.

Start your physical self-love.

On every inhale, relax as much as possible. Imagine that you're "pushing out" the energy through the penis.

On every exhale, pull in your abdominal wall towards your spine

Friday: Engage your inner thighs

Meditate as usual.

Start your physical self-love.

On every inhale, relax as much as possible.

On every exhale, clench your inner thigh muscles.

Saturday: Combine PC and abdominal pull

Meditate as usual.

Start your physical self-love.

On the inhale, relax everything, push out through the penis.

On the exhale, pull in your abdominal wall and clench your PC muscle.

Sunday: Combine the muscle clenches

Meditate as usual.

Start your physical self-love.

On the inhale, relax everything, push out through the penis.

On the exhale, pull in your abdominal wall, clench your thighs, and clench your PC muscle.

Physical Self-Love Meditation: Week 2 - Go Slow

Monday - Wednesday: Reduce your fantasies

Meditate. Make it 20 minutes if possible, but any duration is good.

Do 5 minutes of PC muscle exercise right after your meditation.

Masturbate for a while without ejaculation. Try and focus on your physical feelings, rather than fantasizing.

Now, switch those fantasies into high gear. Take note of the difference, how it changes
your arousal and your ability to keep from ejaculating.

As you come, take note of what muscles are involved in it -- where those delicious, involuntary little spasms occur. Thighs? Anal sphincter? Toes? Belly? ... Take note of them all.

Thursday - Sunday: A new kind of caressing

Meditate. Make it 20 minutes if possible, but any duration is good.

Do 5 minutes of PC muscle exercise right after your meditation.

Integrate your PC muscle exercise into your daily life. You can do them every time you go to the bathroom. You can even do them in the subway, on the ride to the office!

Start your masturbation like you normally do.

Use lube freely. Don't stint it.

Instead of going straight for the head, stroke only the shaft of your penis. Avoid the head as much as possible.

Go as slow as possible, and try not to ejaculate, but if it happens, it happens.

You might feel disappointed or as if you're losing out. Don't worry -- the adventures that lie ahead will more than compensate for that.

Physical Self-Love Meditation: Overview

Over the last 15 years or so, I developed my own little "method" of (somewhat) tantric self-love from meditation, tantra, taoist teachings and my own experience. Whenever I try to describe my method online, I get the feedback that it is terribly complicated. Too many elements, too much to think of.

I agree!  But I can't pick it apart. All the elements work together to create the kind of bliss I now get to experience on a daily basis. My life is better for it, I would like to share it, but I realize that it can be overwhelming at first. So I set out to create a course which will guide you in adding element after element, one by one. I'm putting it out there on this blog, for the time being. Eventually, I hope to turn this into a well-structured website with additional information on my sources and links to more knowledge. Maybe an ebook, maybe a gofondme, we'll see...

I wrote this for guys (i.e., beings with a penis, whatever you prefer to be called), for the simple reason that I am a guy, I don't have a woman's body, and I have not much knowledge of how it works for women.

Here are the links to the weekly pages, as far as already posted:

• Introduction 
• Week 1: Establish mindfulness
• Week 2: Go slow
• Week 3: Let go of orgasm  
• Week 4: Visualize the energy
• Week 5: Let it go all around  
• Week 6: Have fun!

For feedback or questions, email me at betlamed@gmail.com.

Physical Self-Love Meditation: Week 1 - Establish Mindfulness

This week, you will still be in "normal masturbation" mode. You will ejaculate at the end of your self-love. We just add a few little gimmicks to prepare you for what's to come next.

Monday: Assess where you are right now

Get into a calm state. Meditate, or take a bath, whatever helps you.

Switch off your mobile, make sure you will not be interrupted.

If you don't have it already, buy some quality lube. It makes a lot of difference.

Prepare your masturbation ritual. Fetch the lube, if you use it, prepare the tissues,

Make your bed - whatever you need to be comfortable.

Masturbate as you usually do.

While masturbating, take note of all your feelings, your fantasies, the way you use your hand, what gets you off. As you approach orgasm, what muscles can you feel? Do you feel something in your belly? In your feet? Do you curl your toes? Does your skin tingle? Is there warmth, cold? Do you make noises? Take note of all those things.

Tuesday: Locate your PC muscle, and start training it

Instead of describing it myself, I give you a few links to a good resource.

How to find your PC muscle: https://www.liveabout.com/how-do-i-find-my-pc-muscle-2983274
PC muscle exercises: https://www.liveabout.com/how-to-do-kegel-exercises-2982440

That site recommends NOT engaging the abdomen. I think this is a good idea if you're trying to isolate the muscle, but as you'll see, I use the abdominal wall very consciously in my practice. If in doubt, find the difference and find what works best for you.

Wednesday - Sunday: Meditate, masturbate, feel

Meditate. Make it 20 minutes if possible, but any duration is good.

This is not a contest. It's not about meditating as much as possible. In my experience, a certain "switch" occurs at roughly 20 minutes. But meditation thrives by repetition, regularity -- it's better to meditate for 5 minutes each day, than for 2 hours at irregular intervals.

Why meditate?

In the context of physical self-love, meditation helps us establish mindfulness. When we are mindful, we feel our body and its reactions. Ths is the very foundation... We learn how not to cross the line, how to distinguish orgasm from ejaculation, how to feel orgasmic ecstasy even when there is no sex involved.

Do 5 minutes of PC muscle exercise right after the meditation.

Masturbate as normal. Feel the erotic energy running through in your body while you're doing so. Try to feel your Point of No Return, but don't try to delay ejaculation.

Physical Self-Love Meditation: Introduction

What is the goal of this course?

Over the last 15 years or so, I developed my own little "method" of (somewhat) tantric self-love from meditation, tantra, taoist teachings and my own experience. Whenever I try to describe my method online, I get the feedback that it is terribly complicated. Too many elements, too much to think of.

I agree!  But I can't pick it apart. All the elements work together to create the kind of bliss I now get to experience on a daily basis. My life is better for it, I would like to share it, but I realize that it can be overwhelming at first. So I set out to create a course which will guide you in adding element after element, one by one. I'm putting it out there on this blog, for the time being. Eventually, I hope to turn this into a well-structured website with additional information on my sources and links to more knowledge. Maybe an ebook, maybe a gofondme, we'll see...

I wrote this for guys (i.e., beings with a penis, whatever you prefer to be called), for the simple reason that I am a guy, I don't have a woman's body, and I have not much knowledge of how it works for women.

What are the benefits?

You will last longer in bed. More importantly, you will be a better lover.

You will feel more energetic throughout the day.

You will be able to create bliss in your body on the spot, wherever you are.

Preparation

Set aside the time you need - 25 minutes in the beginning, extending to an hour by the end.

I assume that the exercises are performed in the nude, in the bed or on the floor or on some other nice, soft, warm flat survice, comfortably lying on your back.

I recommend that you check out a habit and goal tracking app such as "7 Weeks", or a similar app. It really helps you keep control of your new habits.

Meditation and mindfulness are key. If you omit the meditation, I'm sure you get something out of it, but probably not the most you can get, so I suggest you give it a try.

The course is intended as a daily exercise lasting for six weeks. Of course, you can spread those any way you like, only doing one unit per week or whatever suits you. I'm all for regular, disciplined practice. The amount of time, in my experience, is secondary to that discipline.

Mode of publication

I will publish the course materials once per week, over the next six weeks, on this blog, every monday. I will put links to the segments for each week in this posting.

Disclaimer

I made some bold promises up there, and I base them on nothing but my own knowledge and experience. I am not a doctor. If this does not work for you, for whatever reason at all, please stop it, and go look for something else. If you are in psychotherapy or have medical issues, please discuss any lifestyle change with your MD or therapist before you move in.

My "method"

I was asked to describe my "method" of solo tantra ("edging"/"masturbation"/nonejaculatory orgasm...) over on /r/EdgingTalk.

I should probably give a little context: I went through several different stages over ~15 years. I initially started out with bdsm/chastity. Then I got into tantra, then buddhist meditation, throw in a lot of reading, and out of all that, came my little "method".

I'll give you the executive summary first:

• Breathe deep into the stomach
• Get aroused
• Use PC muscles
• Synch muscle clenches and breathing
• Use your focus 

Now for the gritty details:

I meditate daily, and I do at least some workout every day. I think this helps a lot.

I take at least an hour for the whole exercise.

I lay down, sometimes I lube up, and I do stroke the penis. I actually do go for the penis tip mostly, but I have a specific kind of stroke that works for me, it's not an up and down motion, more like a little massage. I am very aware of how soft or strong I go with this. Whenever I get hard, I stop the stroking. The way I do it, by now I simply know that it won't get me over the point of no return, but I guess everyone has to figure that out for himself.

Sometimes I stop the stroking altogether, not to avoid anything, but to feel the inner motions more strongly. I believe a lot of this has to do with focus, more than anything.

I avoid sexual imagery. It gets me over the edge fast, so I don't fantasize. Again, I think it's focus that matters most.

I focus on my breath, on my spine, on my prostate... I try to pull the focus away from the penis as much as I can.

I breathe deep into the stomach.

On the inhale, I try to completely relax the PC muscle, and I try to "push out" through the penis, as if there was sperm in there, as if an orgasm was already building up. I also clench the inner thighs, like one does in orgasm.

On the exhale, I clench the PC muscle, and I pull the stomach in as if I wanted to push out all the air. I find that combination very intense.

I change speeds, and I allow myself to be loud, moaning and groaning like in real sex. The vibration from the sounds somehow intensifies things even more.

I imagine the "orgasm energy" moving up the spine, mostly into my heart, and sometimes down again into the abdomen or even back into the genitals. I think those variations make very subtle differences.

Sometimes, when things get very intense, I completely clench my PC muscle for a while as hard as possible, or I kind of "vibrate" it, which I imagine is like a prostate massage of sorts.

Well, and that's it.

The most important part is not to expect a big "orgasm" that somehow ends it. It's more like orgasmic waves washing over me, again and again and again. It's a "the less you expect, the more you get" kind of deal. It's absolutely delicious.

The only downside is that there is no natural "endpoint", so I have to make a conscious decision to stop it, and that is really hard. But one cannot go on doing this all day, lol, and also, be advised that there may be surprisingly sore muscles after that exercise! It's all basically a stealth workout, hehe!