Showing posts with label chastity. Show all posts
Showing posts with label chastity. Show all posts

Wednesday, October 28, 2020

Review: "Bliss of the Celibate", by Julian Lee (1998)

This is one of those that I waded through, so you don't have to. It is also is one of those you will find referenced, again and again, in the semenretention community, as a "foundational text" of sorts.

As in so many texts of an esoteric or religious nature, the main epistemic methods applied in this book are free association, unfounded claims, and working backwards from the conclusion.

Lee has read some buddhist and hindu books, has collected whatever floated his boat, and cooked a big old stew from all that. Add one (1) bible passage (Mt 19:12), and you have apparently proven that Jesus taught yoga, was celibate, and that the catholic church gleaned its power from - you guessed it - celibacy. Formal citations or syllogistic arguments are something to sneer at and avoid at all costs, it would seem.

He claims that celibacy is necessary for any and all achievements, ranging from the simple to the highly complex, from personal and social, from culture to enlightenment. He explicitly states that "[w]ithout the highest sexual morality, no other morality is possible. The keeping of no other law is possible. No social order is possible. No human culture is possible." When a male has an orgasm, or even so much as focuses too much on the female form, everything is lost. The only solution is celibacy. He recognizes, at least, that there are two paths: complete renunciation, and gradual evolution towards that lofty goal.

The closest Lee ever comes to an actual argument, is when he claims that males lose energy through semen the same way that women lose energy in menstruation. Why this is supposed to be the case, is anyone's guess. It's in the old scriptures, it is in Julian Lee's head, therefore it has to be true. As proof, he names the usual: males appear tired after orgasm. He claims that males have a form of "PMS" for at least 24 hours - you may or may not agree. If you disagree, then the whole book is moot.

Lee doesn't offer any practical advice, except for meditation. He dismisses all of tantra and - in an oddly specific twist - decries the Yoga Journal, rejects "new agers", progressives, and people who dislike George Bush (junior or senior, he doesn't say). He goes on a long rant against those groups, culmitating in the curious proclamation that "the average Christian, because he at least retains some morals regarding sex, is actually much closer to the Yogic path than most "new agers.""

He knows that "transmutation is necessary for celibacy", but he doesn't tell us how to transmute. Nor does he seem to be aware of the distinction between orgasm and ejaculation (no wonder, since he rejects tantra). Orgasm means expulsion of the all-valuable "pearls" (a term he uses quite consistently) and shakti, and that creates all evils in the world - while celibacy creates everything good.

As in most texts on the topic, the female part of the species play next to no role at all - not even as guides for men; they only exist as seducers to men and thieves of his shakti-induced powers. Homosexuality is a grave sin (stemming from, you guessed it, masturbation), and nonbinary sexuality doesn't exist at all. There is an extreme black and white morality at play - renunciation is good, lust is bad, sex is only for procreation.

Not all in this book is totally bad - at times, it can be quite inspiring:

"When you become entirely devoted to the Lord of Creation, All of creation becomes devoted to you." At least, that's nice! However, these cases are few and far between. All in all, it is a terrible book, not innovative, boring, trite and conservative.

There are a lot of quotes from Patanjali, Paramahansa Yogananda (his favourite author of all), and buddhist Suttras. So if nothing else, one can use it as a kind of reference for looking stuff up.

The book is mostly interesting because, as stated above, it is one of the "foundational texts" of semen-retention. It just goes to show that the movement is steeped in hindu and buddhist religiosity, political and social conservatism, vitalism, sexism and steadfast animosity against intellectual debate and rationality.

How it might be improved:

Apart from the obvious - add some rational arguments as to why celibacy is supposed to do all those good things - the book would benefit tremendously from some empathy and guidance for newcomers. Lee offers nothing in the way of practical exercises, and it is somewhat hard to see why any penis-owner should take it upon themselves to refrain from any and all orgasms, possibly for the rest of his life. (Women, by the way, would seemingly get to cum all they want... an obvious conclusion from the premises, but I wonder if Lee saw it.) Just for "living in accordance with" some undefined "great universal Law", probably will not cut it. Speaking of cutting, cutting out a few of the rants would make the thing a lot easier to read.

A Weekend of Dominance and Submission

I haven't talked about the bdsm aspects of my journey an awful lot on this blog. Probably because the connection between submission, tantra and spirituality was still kind of blurry for me.

Anyway, last weekend, my wonderful wife and I engaged in one of our D/s weekends.

As always, I served her every need. I did the groceries and prepared the meals, I gave her footbaths and foot massages, I pampered her in any way possible. Adored her, cherished her, whispered all possible sweet nothings I could fathom.

Come sexy time, there was a lot of kneeling in the nude, there was biting and scratching, ballbusting and other fun stuff I won't mention to protect the guilty.

I got to experience what bdsm folks call "flying". It's an incredible feeling, and I highly recommend it - only, you have to be a masochist to enjoy it, terribly sorry for the rest of you poor souls out there!

I ate her out whenever she wanted (which can never be often enough for my delicate taste!).

When I was allowed inside her, I absolutely refrained from cumming.

In many ways, this is the best part. The karezza folks really seem to be right about that - for whatever hormonal reason, it creates an incredible sense of intimacy and connection. It feels like falling in love again for the first time, only about a hundred times more intense and rewarding, more conscious, more "I hand myself over" than the "knock-on-the-head inevitable" style you see in the movies.

Am I weird in thinking about 1 Co 11 in that context? ἐν τῇ νυκτὶ ᾗ παρεδίδετο... Yes, definitely weird! The good kind thereof.

I'm still on a high. Every breath fills me with insane bliss, coupled with the best form of horniness you can find. It's truly amazing.

Of course, all of this is only possible because we build on the trust and connection forged in almost 8 years of relationship - all the troubles, ups and downs, tragedies and accidents small and large. You can't build this overnight. You can't have it with a total stranger. Not to knock one-night stands, everything has it's own advantages - that's just not one of them.

I love the idea that my kinks, my interest in chastity and nofap, can be part of building up this larger thing, this together-thing, this beautiful manifestation of love. I always somehow wanted that. I always thought that it was inside this whole kink thing, somehow, somewhere... and now I know.

Thursday, August 20, 2020

Diary of a nofap streak - Day 31: A whole month

Funny feeling. July 19th was the last time I wanked off. In the meantime, I had two orgasms with my wife, and three times had sex without cumming.

A whole month. Of course, it's just an arbitrary number, but the way the human mind works, it feels special.  There is some pride, but more than that there is a deep kind of satisfaction.  When you abstain from something -- something you thought you needed, whatever it is, I guess -- it gives you a deeper understanding of your wants and needs. You connect with something important that way. It removes a barrier. Something like "opening up a chakra", to use one of those esoteric metaphors.  Conferring with your angel. Moving up the Tree of Life. I'm sure every religion, every culture has its own cherished expressions for it.

It becomes easier to differentiate your superficial wants from your actual needs. You have already experienced that you can live without it, so you can now focus on what really matters.

I'm back at work. The huge advantage is that I drink less. I never went for complete abstinence, but during vacations it tends to escalate a bit, and it's good to go back to normal.

Now the big challenge ahead: Apply the skill of mindful enjoyment to other areas. Maybe it is possible to eat less, eat healthier and more ecological, without engaging in willpower excesses, and while enjoying the food even more. Maybe the same goes for alcohol, for youtube, for a lot of things I'm not even aware of yet...

Maybe there is resistance to all those joys, based on self-loathing and deeply ingrained capitalist "ethics".

Maybe I should start to emply the "matrix" metaphor, "red pill" myself and become a total conspiracy nutjob, lol. In the general public's eye, it would be quite a fit...

I guess I got used to it by now.  It seems like I don't really want to masturbate anymore -- ever.  At the same time, I know from previous streaks that this, too, will pass. And that is perfectly fine.

Do not get attached to non-attachment!

Saturday, August 15, 2020

Diary of a nofap streak - Day 27: Not a lot to say

It is perfectly fine to not have a lot to say. The journey is through calmer waters now. Next week it's back to the treadmill, I only hope it won't be too stressful. I had some weird dreams, but that's quite normal for me. I don't believe they mean a thing, even though I've been dream-journalling for decades and would have much loved to find a pattern or predictive powers or anything of that sort. So yeah, working on my story, breathing in breathing out, watching the remaining cat hang around in the sun. Saturday afternoon.

Saturday, August 8, 2020

Diary of a nofap streak - Day 20: The Heat

There are times on this journey when the energy gets overwhelmingly strong. It feels incredibly good, but at the same time, you're very much overpowered and can do nothing but surrender.

A good thing it's a saturday and I don't have to go to work.

I can totally imagine a situation where I would wank off just to get rid of the heat. Just so I could get some work done.

It's very blissful. Remember my older solemn tantric oath: Give in to it. Feel it through and through. Surrender to it. Own it. Make it mine, or rather make me its. Give in. And just like that, the angst and the anxiety vanish, and it is all good.

There is no need to fight it. There is no need to do anything but accept. This is what is, right now.

It is quite unspeakable. It's like my body is filled with pleasure and lust, desire and satisfaction rolled up into one. It's a tingling and a heat and a little dizziness. It starts from the spine, spreads through my belly and chest, into my arms and legs, even the head.

I revel in the knowledge that there is no supernatural. Imagining this to be an entity of its own, with a will separate from my own, doing stuff to me that I cannot control, and potentially will never stop, would be quite unsettling.



Friday, August 7, 2020

Channeling the energy

I channel my pent up energy into my writing. Sublimation FTW. Quite interesting, how the mind works.

I copy a very old Tarot journal (from 2003!) into my computer. It is so interesting to see, what I thought back then, how I related, how it's all about finding a girlfriend, and a lot about that one particular girl with BPD who had made me so unhappy. It's quite the trip.

Diary of a nofap streak - Day 19: Preliminary Conclusions

Sometimes it would be nice to believe: That there is actually a deeper level. A higher consciousness. The universe as a conscious being. There is a power. If you perform a specific ritual, it actually has supernatural effects. The wonderful feelings in my spine are real energy and can be directed to perform healing, effect change in the real world, make me enlightened.

I've read a lot of esoteric and religious stuff. I'm forever fascinated by it. I absolutely get the appeal.

I could write books about it. In a way, I try to do just that. My stories revolve around people who believe all kinds of woo. I love those ideas. I love trying to put myself in the head of a true believer. I love to meditate on the effects they have in people's lives - the good and the bad and the just plain weird.

But those stories are fictive, all the magical effects are my inventions.

If several weeks of semen retention made my skin glow, made women come on to me out of nowhere, made my hair softer, my voice heavier, made me need less sleep (source 1, source 2), that would certainly be a hint that something is going on. However, none of that has happened so far.

(Better memory? You gotta be kiddin' me. I have terrible memory. Any tiny little hint that this has improved, would most certainly be well noted by me. If all it took to get better recollection, was abstaining from sex for a little while longer, boy would I go for it!)

What HAS happened, and reliably does happen indeed, is a subjective feeling of increased energy, a better ability to create bliss on the spot by breathing, a deep relaxation. My back is definitely better.

All the effects that are easy to explain by placebo, or by other livestyle changes*), actually appear. Everything that would be tangible evidence of semen retention per se, does not.

Yes, it hasn't been 90 days, but merely ca 20. I maintain there should be at least some visible change by now, if semen retention actually worked.

To me, the conclusion is pretty obvious: Chastity is good practice that will likely enhance your spiritual practice, especially if you combine it with yoga and tantric breathing techniques, and it can surely improve your sexual life. If you kink out on it, so much the better! But it does not change your body, it does not change your character in a fundamental way, it does not magically turn you into a chick magnet, it doesn't give you any superpowers.

I will stay off masturbation for the time being - at least to the end of August. I will keep up this journal till then, just to keep me on track. I will try and go for one ejaculation every 2-3 weeks, so my wife and I can enjoy those glorious moments of togetherness. I think this is a reasonable plan to move forward, given the evidence. I would love nothing more than go for the full 90 days just to have undeniable knowledge, but I simply cannot do that to my marriage, especially not right now given some circumstances in our life right now.



*) not to mention one week of holidays, with yet another ahead. Definitely has an effect.



Thursday, August 6, 2020

Diary of a nofap streak - Day 18: When desire hits...

...give in to it!

Good thing I'm staying home today, for the most part (we're visiting friends tonight, first time since c* - haven't seen them in over 6 months).

Here's the challenge: When the urge comes, give in to it. Absolutely, deeply, completely hand yourself over.

The catch? Don't jerk off. Don't even touch yourself. Breathe deep. Inhale horniness, exhale pure lust.

Jerking off is not giving in to the urge. Jerking off is the opposite. Jerking off is an attempt to end the urge, scratch it away like an itch.

But a self-respecting itch doesn't end there. It is stronger than you, and much more intelligent! It comes back with a vengeance. Fighting it does not work. What works (I hope) is completely accepting it, stepping deep into the fire, clothing myself with it, transforming unbearable yearning into satisfaction and delight merely by realizing that that is its real nature.

I think that this might be the actual hidden wisdom of tantra: that lust, desire, and rejection can be used as pathways to insight - as opposed to the consensus buddhist view *), which sees them as mere obstacles. That ultimate satisfaction is a seed buried within desire itself, not achieved through fulfilment, but found through acceptance, by looking close enough.

I had a very bad night. Didn't get to sleep, then woke from a nightmare, then woke up at 3am and couldn't get back to sleep. Looking forward to that construction work, yay! But, maybe right because I'm so bleary-eyed, I'm also on the verge of orgasm without even doing anything. So this may turn out to be the day I end the streak just so I can get some sleep - or, it ends up the day on which I discover something completely new and sensational... of which you, my dear reader - if you indeed exist - would get to read tomorrow.

We'll see. Oh, we shall see!



*) term shamelessly stolen from David Chapman



Tuesday, August 4, 2020

Diary of a nofap streak - Day 16: An opportunity relax into the noise.

I'm quite tired. There is construction work going on outside, and it's fairly loud. I'm waiting for the delivery service guy to arrive (alcohol free beer, mostly). I don't plan on leaving the flat at all. Delivery food, a few videos, some reading...

Despite the tiredness, the annoying noises and the wait (which always makes me kind of nervous even if there isn't anything to fret about), I'm surprisingly focused, calm and content. I put it down to my daily meditation routine, intermittent deep breathing, yoga and the good feelings from the chastity work, mostly.

When you know how not to fight the noise, instead make a conscious effort to welcome it (counterintuitive as this is!), realize that you can't do anything about it anyway - well, I could go to a café or something, so if I choose otherwise, it's really my own fault isn't it - and try to see it is yet another practice, then it all becomes a lot easier.

Ultimately, the idea is that everything contains an element of joy, even what seems to annoy us and make us mad. I can vibe with the sounds, or pick a fruitless fight. There isn't even a question which is more intelligent. One can go a step further, meditate into the sounds, give myself compassion and later extend it to the construction workers.

I'm reminded of a zen anecdote, I don't know where I read it: The monks complained to the zen master that the noise from the construction site disturbed their meditation. To which the master replied: Then why do you disturb the sounds with your mind?

I'll try to get some writing done, do some housework and a bit of yoga, and other than that, just relax.



Sunday, August 2, 2020

Diary of a nofap streak - Day 14: Philosophy

I got a bit of writing done yesterday. Improved my very own personal habit tracker. Revisited my ancient greek studies. Then went out with a friend and got properly wasted. Plus, we recited Goethe's Faust with much gusto.

All in all, a productive Saturday! Even more so if you keep in mind that this was the first day of my holidays!

This is decidedly a stay-in-bed Sunday.

The chastity is now quite easy to keep up. There is this deep joy in breathing the energy into my feet (which happens all by itself a lot of the time), or somewhere else (which requires some focus). It's a wonderful feeling without comparison. I wonder if one gets used to it, if one can get addicted to it, if it can turn into its own little habit.

I get the impression that habits are a lot like muscles - use them or lose them. That goes for good habits as well as bad ones. I wonder how this relates to self-definition - "Me, I'm just naturally chaste, deep down". Yeah, no, probably won't work.

I'm preparing a blog post, a reaction to a youtube video. I discovered that one can open the transcript, copy it into one's favourite text editor (vim - what else?), perform a few search/replaces, and you have a good-enough text to read and use for commenting. Quite fancy!

Saturday, August 1, 2020

Diary of a nofap streak - Day 13: Will I make it?

This promises to be interesting. Since it's saturday and we have some time together, and my wife is up for it, there will be sexual activity later on. Lots of headgiving on my part for sure, and maybe a bit of resting inside Goddess. It has happened in the past that I came from only being inside her, without any movement at all. It might happen again, unavoidably. One should not forget that my wife is the hottest woman in existence, right now even more than ever! (It's one part of why I'm doing this, after all!)
 
If it does happen, let's enjoy it and not look at it as a kind of loss. Remember, length of streak is a poor measure. Enjoyment matters more. Acceptance matters most.

I will do a little update later on...

UPDATE: Life got in the way. This is the good thing about a chastity lifestyle. When you don't get the sex, you can tell yourself that it was really a good thing, since you didn't end your streak, hehe.



Friday, July 31, 2020

Diary of a nofap streak - Day 12: Not really that hard, but probably boring

I'm thinking... maybe the reason why people end their "streaks" is not because they can't stand the arousal anymore, or because their spouses beg them for sexy time. Maybe it just gets boring after a while. You can't focus on on not having orgasms for the rest of your life. It's just not that interesting in and of itself.

In general, my interests seem to shift about every other week. For a long time, I tried to tackle that by forcing me to keep with one thing. That didn't work out at all. For example, I would be sitting with my latest literary text, and just... no words would come, I would get irritated, start looking around for other things to do, find excuses... By now, I try to always have at least one literary project, one coding project, and one book to read, so I can switch them up. This works quite well.

Just to find one more thing related to chastity: The language of "energy". I have ranted about this quite a lot in the past - mostly because I often encounter a kind of intellectual rigidity, and because I can't seem to manage to explain my position to people in a way that doesn't alienate them. And it's a shame because I feel we could all profit from sharing our notes.

I haven't found any proof of special sexual energies in the body. What I found, was a feeling that can be metaphorically described as an "energy" - just like we talk about "warm fuzzy feelings" or "getting cold feet". We don't think that our body temperature actually changes locally to any signifcant amount just because we have romantic emotions, or some mild panic. In the same vein, I see no reason to presume, based on my own experiences and whatever I know about human anatomy, that the "energy" is anything but a psychomotor effect. So I accept "kundalini", "energy", "qi" as more or less apt metaphors for something we do with our body/minds. Works for me, anyway.

What I seem to encounter, over and over again, are people who desparately need to convince me that there is some reality to it. And I want to convince them - wait for it - NOT that they are wrong, but that that belief is unnecessary for us to talk about our experiences. The experiences are exactly the same (I guess) regardless of our interpretation. Or not. In order to determine that, we have to first establish common ground. And that seems impossible to do.

I think this goes to a larger issue. I'm not going to drag religion and politics into this... but it seems like these are fundamentally similar issues. I think identity politcs, groupthink and tribalism play a part in this.

We're all massively identified with our own positions. That goes for those interlocutors, that goes for myself. It seems almost impossible to just present a point, explain how I got there, compare notes, and be done with it. It always escalates into anger and name-calling and you-just-don't-get-it, and whatever.

I tried a lot about that. Nothing ever works.

I would love to have a debate about "kundalini energy" - but purely on the meta level. I would like some people from the "it's real" crowd and some from the "it's just a metaphor" group (do you even exist? Hello...? HELLO!!!?) to talk about how we could talk about our common experiences, our paths and detours, without getting all riled up and dragged into debates about semantics.

I face a very similar issue when it comes to religion. There are those who believe in it - and there are those who think it's all bullcrap and just throw it away. I'm somewhere in between. I don't believe in it, but I think it's a fundamentally important part of the human condition, it's endlessly fascinating and we should study it in-depth - which I have been doing all my adult life. And it frustrates me to no and how there is no way to communicate across group boundaries without a fight.



Reddit thread: https://www.reddit.com/r/Joyful_Chastity/comments/huosv1/getting_back_into_chastity/

Sunday, July 26, 2020

Diary of a nofap streak - Day 7: Just some rambling thoughts

Last night when my wife got home, we sat beside each other in bed and I massaged her feet, just like that, no pretension or demand. A soft, tender, romantic moment. I asked her if she wanted me to give her head, which she declined. I'll do that more often from now on. As I mentioned before, the old routine of her doing all the chores needs to be broken - and then broken again, and again, since it tends to re-establish itself.

I woke up depressed and anxious.

Two hours later, I'm back in high productivity, for which I am happy and thankful. Collecting ideas for my novel, watching a few videos, writing, reading... it's good. There's always this tendency to procrastinate on the actual writing though. Which is kind of odd, since when I'm in the flow, it feels truly great.

One shouldn't forget though that rest is important. It's a sunday. There has to be some down-time.

I feel like I'm cheating just a little bit, because I write those "daily journal entries" in the morning. Well duh.

I feel like stubborn irrationality still gets me too much. I feel sad for people who stick to their guns no matter what. Of course, biases affect us all. Permanently checking and re-checking one's favourite ideas is a heck of a lot of work, but it's the best we can do in order to believe as many true and as few false things as possible.

What is my own piece of wood in this particular fire, my dog in this fight? I'm totally trying to advocate the idea of apportioning the belief to the evidence, proudly admitting that "I think this... becase...", "I have a hunch... based only on my experience...", "I read this in this book, which I think is reliable because..."

You know, just this simple trick of always indicating one's level of confidence, and giving at least one reason why one thinks so. I think this would solve a lot of problems in debates, because it gives the other person the opportunity to check your claims and bring up issues with it.

Changing one's mind is good! Being corrected is good, because afterwards, you're closer to the truth.

Today's crazy idea: SR was an invention of feminists who wanted guys to suffer. What better way to get them to suffer, than to lure them in with the elusive promise of more pussy? "Oh, you just deprive yourself of satisfaction for only 90 days, then you'll have more dark-eyed houris than you can count!" LOL.

I see no reason to break the streak.

I re-read a little book on female-led relationships. Keeping up the mindset, wallowing in it like an elephant in dung, playing around with ideas and far-fetched concepts... it's a major part of the fun, to my mind.

We all live in a fantasy world anyway, might just as well make the fantasy pleasing to my sight.
It just occurred to me: It is really strange how people (i.e., males) practice chastity/nofap/SR for completely different, sometimes diametrically opposed reasons.

I wonder to what degree nofap is male dominated, and the chastity kink as well. I'm willing to bet it's like 90% a male thing.

Friday, July 24, 2020

Diary of a nofap streak - Day 5: Euphoria

This is the day I feel absolutely amped up, high-voltage, blissful and exhilarated.

Last night, my wife and I went out to dinner. I drank a few beers and a good Laphroaig Quarter Cask. We went home. We were both hungry for each other, horny and starved for each other.

Yeah, slightly drunken sex after 4 days of chastity. Sounds like a winner, right!

We started our normal routine. I gave her head. I love love love her smell and taste! Only, this time, it was different... I was so focused, so devoted to the act... normally, after an orgasm, my wife wants me to give her a little while to settle down because her clit is too sensitive for any more action. This time, it was possible to rest my tongue on her lovely clit, and after a little while I gently started moving again.

After three orgasms, she had enough. I asked her if she wanted me inside her, she said yes, I fucked her.

For whatever reason, this time I managed with ease what normally eludes me, or at least requires enormous effort and focus. I moved in her, we enjoyed moments of intense intimacy and pleasure, then I thanked her and moved out again, and we cuddled for a while.

It was glorious and wonderful, and so satisfying!

Anorgasmic sex during a period of chastity is simply the best, I tells ya!

What I enjoy most about this is how it makes for more intimacy, better connection. I don't think it's the horniness alone (which makes me more motivated and eager for sure!). There is something else. A deepness. A richness. An abundance. Knowing I won't come takes some burden off my shoulders. It makes me feel free to explore, take my time, be relaxed. I really dig this.

I also have to say: As always after a few days, I feel like I want this to go on for a long time, possibly forever. Never cumming again, always being in that horny, elevated state, eager to please and focused on my wife.

Feelings come and go. Things change. Life happens. This is okay. This is to be expected. For the time being, I am utterly enjoying this. We'll see how long it lasts.



Reddit thread: https://www.reddit.com/r/Joyful_Chastity/comments/huosv1/getting_back_into_chastity/

Thursday, July 23, 2020

Diary of a nofap streak - Day 4: The day the need becomes obvious

It is clear that my desire for bdsm scenarios isn't met in my life. Some of my fantasies remain unrealized. As I delve deeper into being deprived of sexual satisfaction (of my own accord of course), those urges get stronger.

This is a good time to reflect on what those needs are, and what that means.

Fantasies are just fantasies. They do not hurt nor help, they are not by themselves agents. Not living a fantasy is not lethal.

So if there is a real need, then that need is something that resides in, or cloaks itself with that fantasy.

How do we tease it out?

Let's explore it (I'll be speaking the language of bdsm and omit the scare quotes from hereonafter):

I want my wife to enforce my chastity. I want my sexual desire to be completely focused on my wife, to a point where serving her - including, but going way beyond mere sexual bedroom games - becomes more than a need - an absolute, inescapable, fundamental requirement of my being. I want her to exploit that way in somewhat sadistic and mean, but also romantic and tender and loving ways. I want our relationship to grow deeper and more intimate through it.

So far the fantasy.

What would be a good question to ask, in general, to get from the fantasy to the need?




How about this: "If a fairy entered your flat overnight, and in the morning the fantasy suddenly became a reality - what, to your mind, would actually change in your life, on a real level?" *)

Our sex life would be much hotter and more intense than it is now - which is something we both strive for, and life does its best to thwart our efforts (sometimes one side wins, sometimes the other).

I would have lots of work that I don't do now - household chores, errands, groceries, the laundry.

I would do it with love and pleasure. I would grow as a human being, be a bit closer to "enlightenment" (fwiw), ultimately more liberated, less bound.

I would be freed of the privilege, but also the burden, of my own orgasm. In bed, I would have the utter privilge to be solely focused on her pleasure, and her pleasure only.

I would be able to proudly say that she actually has less work because of me - not more, as is often the case because of my workload and because I make more money.




My need for serving another being, and my need to have my sexuality cared for, controlled and validated by somebody who loves me dearly, would be SEEN and taken seriously.




Hmm. Enough for today. It's a good posting. I'm proud of it. Maybe I should start to export these postings into my personal blog in the near future. I feel like this journey merits some form of textual preservation.




*) See Coaching and Counseling Interventions 101 - "The Fairy Question".


Reddit thread: https://www.reddit.com/r/Joyful_Chastity/comments/huosv1/getting_back_into_chastity/

Wednesday, July 22, 2020

Diary of a nofap streak - day 3


I will try and keep up these daily postings, for as long as possible. I think this might be good "spiritual" practice, actually. A bit of reflection. I will likely end it when I choose to break the streak.

This is the day of excitement, arousal, horniness. There is a bit of apprehension, and there is restlessness. It helps (and doesn't) that I'm looking forward to my summer holidays, that we are redesigning the flat, and other intense stuff going on in our lives.

My writing is going great since yesterday. The avid semenretentionist would jubilate in the validation of his beliefs, but me being the skeptic, and not that much interested in "retaining the energy", I think that first, two days in a row ain't that much, second, it has happened before, even while wanking twice a day, and three, correlation ain't causation. I did look at titillating pix more than usual, and perused the bdsm subs, but that's to be expected - I always do that a few days after I gently slip into a new "streak". It's basic horniness, is all.
I did a few bdsm-y "exercises", i.e. I "trained" with the buttplug, to limited success lol. Now I'm sitting on my bed doing tantra stuff, i.e. "breathing through the anus", a.k.a. kegels plus breathing, and I'm doing two more hours of writing. It's quite good, all in all!



Reddit thread: https://www.reddit.com/r/Joyful_Chastity/comments/huosv1/getting_back_into_chastity/

Tuesday, July 21, 2020

Diary of a nofap streak - day 2: Yes, this is good. Yes, I'm going with it for a while.

I have no clue why it is this way, now. Well... I might have. Less work stress, the holidays ahead, more yoga, better food...

There is a connection.

You know the old esoteric saying that "everything is connected with everything else"?

That is bullshit, of course. Lots of things don't have any causal connection whatsoever. Causality only works one way in time, for one thing...

Anyway, many things in our lives really ARE connected, interconnected to a degree that warrants the generalisation: "It is all connected", albeit not in a literal, strict sense... just as a general gist.

There is, obviously, a connection between your food and your wellbeing. There is a connection between being overworked and emotional turmoil.

I like to picture it as a coil, a spiral.

A spiral has two directions - upwards and downwards.

Emotional stress leads to less sex. Less sex leads to more frustration, which leads to bad food choices, which leads to bad overall wellbeing, which might lead to making mistakes, which leads to more stress... etc.

But it also works the other way around: More sex alleviates frustration, so there is less stress, better work, which leads to better food, etc.

It doesn't really matter much where the chain of causality starts. On the one hand, when life starts throwing shit at you, as it inevitably does, you are going to go down a few notches.

On the other hand, you can start to change at any point. Start cleaning up your relationship mess. Start having good sex. Start making healthier food choices. Reduce the workload. Whatever is easiest to do.

In the current particular case, I'm not sure what exactly triggered it - but that's fine. This one time, it seems to work in my favour! I'm not going to complain for sure.



Reddit thread: https://www.reddit.com/r/Joyful_Chastity/comments/huosv1/getting_back_into_chastity/

Monday, July 20, 2020

Diary of a nofap streak - day 1

(This is the introductory posting. I didn't plan to do a daily update at this point, so it's just me rambling a bit.)



Isn't it strange how the perceived needs in our sives wax and wane, come and go? One day, you can't do without a good wank, or even two or three... then something changes, and you feel like you could go on forever on that oddly satisfying feeling of chastity.

Oh, and I got myself banned from /r/pureretention. Yeah I was harsh on the guy, I know, maybe too harsh. I didn't do it out of spite. I just feel that sometimes, we have to push back against the nonsense, the grandiose claims of people who simply cannot have it any other way, who cannot accept opposition against their ideas, who cannot conduct a debate or admit that they don't know something, that it's just a hunch, just conjecture. Sometimes one can be lovely and sweet and soft. Sometimes, not so much. This was one of those times.
I think almost all that is said about chastity online, is just conjecture based on some preconceived ideas, some ideology, some personal experiences, a bit of reading here and there.

So is what I have to say. We're all in the dark. We sometimes catch glimpses of truth. Wonderful if that happens, but we should be wary of overselling it. The real real REAL Truth, the one with a capital T, is still out there. None of us has it.

It's not about overcoming - overcoming desire with willpower, overcoming addiction by strength. I'm sure there are guys who need just that - to learn that they have the ability to move past their simplest physical needs for a while, to shake a habit that has overwhelmed them.

For me, it's not about that. That's why I sometimes give in to temptation, why there will always be times of intense masturbation.

For me, moving past shame is at least as important as moving into the ability to deal with frustration and temptation. Yes, half a year of chastity would be nice. Half a year of chastity, supervised by my wife, would be incredible. Alas, it is not in my stars, and I accept that.

It is about accepting what is, just as it is. When the urge strikes, and I do not resist, that is what is happening right now, and I strive to accept it. When the urge comes, and I can breathe through it, then I want to accept that, too.
I want to learn to accept as much pleasure as possible, and to see arousal as pleasure. Ultimately, I want to see everything as a form of pleasure - even pain, even sadness, even loss - or as a form of neutral event that just happens. I doubt that one can get there through an act of resistance, of overpowering. I think the way is through self-acceptance, not force.

I won't be spending much willpower on overcoming an urge. I think overcoming, overpowering is counter-productive. I think willpower is massively overrated in general. It only works in the short run. For long-term success, we need something different, something soft, something flexible, adaptive, flowing - watery, not rocky; seductive rather than violent; a web of silk and trust and comfort, rather than an iron armor.



Reddit thread: https://www.reddit.com/r/Joyful_Chastity/comments/huosv1/getting_back_into_chastity/

Monday, August 27, 2018

Enhanced Sensuality through Abstinence

Last week, I engaged on a higly reduced diet, led by my partner.

On top of no orgasms and enthusiastic obedience to all my Lady's whims, I was not allowed any porn, and I had to ask permission to use any kind of erotic media. To facilitate this, I blocked all reddit images, and I set my search preferences to "moderate safe-search". Despite my long-running habit of neotantric ejaculation-free self love, I abstained from even that, just to be on the safe side.

By the end of the week, I felt exhilarated, liberated and excited. Women on the street appeared more sexy. Beauty appeared more intense. My Lady was an adorable, unfathomably and dangerously beautiful goddess, even moreso than she always is. The need for bare breasts evaporated and made way for an appreciation of faces and gestures and movements and forms.

The world of nofap


As a person involved in western neotantra, bdsm chastity games, and some other stuff, I lurk on some subreddits such as /r/nofap, /r/pornfree, and  /r/semenretention.

I have struggled for quite some time to get clear on the differences between the apparent majority opinion on those subs, and my own way of thinking.

There is the nagging suspicion of a covert religious agenda. There is a slew of irrational pseudoscience, of course. There is an odd kind of team-spirit. There is a focus on long-running streaks, the longer the better. There is a promise of superpowers that I don't believe in.

All of that is not the core issue.

The core difference


People on /r/nofap try to achieve freedom through abstinence from sensuality.

I try to find enhanced sensuality through abstinence.

If both of those sound strange to you, I absolutely understand. If you buy into the western narrative of ongoing "sexual revolution" and indiviudalism expressed via sexuality, then all of this sounds strange, by necessity.

The western idea of individualistic sensuality


I'm building on those western values as a foundation. In fact, I am, as a person, infused with them, built on top of them. They are built into my being. I grew up in the 1970s and 80s, after all. I was formed by a deeply indivudalist, (post-)sexual-revolution society.

There is, obviously, a deep-running neurotic relation to sexuality in western culture. For a long time, the idea was to catch and conquer the beast, to see sexuality as something basal and primitive one had to overcome, or else...

With the sexual revolution of the late 20th century, this idea shifted: Now, sexuality was something to appreciate and to indulge in. Everybody was free to do what they wanted in their bedrooms (except if they did not want to do anything, which made them seem odd and suspicious). Consent required, of course.

Freedom, hence, was to be expressed in the chorus of "You don't get to tell me anything, and I'mma prove it to you by watching the filthiest porn I can find, and wanking to it until my balls fall off."

There is something fundamentally wrong in both approaches.

Don't get me wrong. I do not oppose sensuality, or sexuality. They are not evil, not sinful, not addictive or bad. Wanking can make you feel good. There is no harm in it.

I do oppose, however, mindless, overindulgent "sensuality". I oppose the idea that "more equals better". I resent the perverted, twisted kind of "sensuality" that comes in the form of glossy magazine covers. I think that women twisted into yoga-esque stretches just to show off their genitals are the opposite of sensual. I think that exploitation is unsexy and sad.

In fact, I like to put this kind of "sensuality" in scare quotes, because I think it is not sensual at all. There is only a superficial similarity.

Some personal history


I got into all this, long long ago, via bdsm chastity games.

My initial motivation was not to overcome my sensuality or my sexual desire. It was the opposite: I wanted to amp it up, in order to experience the masochistic pleasure of denial. I wanted to "spice up" my sex life, and for whatever reason, chastity and "denial" was what kicked my kink.

Over the years, my goals changed, as I changed through age and experience. Instead of suffering, I found joy. Instead of "enforced" abstinence, I found moderated sensuality. In sex, I found spirituality. Underneath the kink games, I found a layer of truth.

I found deep potential in deliberate self-constraint.

We should not let this potential be monopolized my morality and religion. We should liberate it from those shackles. We should cherish our sensuality by shaping it, arranging it, enjoying it slowly, in small pieces, rather than swallowing whatever we can find, whenever we can find it. We should see moderation as a joy, not a chore.

A little tidbit from my neotantric experience


You go slow, and you achieve unfathomable bliss. You don't "overheat", and you experience endless orgasmic feelings. You stay at a low level of arousal, and it keeps you from exhausting your resources.

By not overindulging, you become more sensitive, and hence you achieve greater pleasure.

A flaccid penis is more sensitive to touch than an erect one. I don't have to tell you how to fact-check that claim.

This works on the physical level, but it works on any other level, too.

Layers of deepness


Obedience to my Lady is a form of chivalry and pure love. It is very kinky, and it is more than that. It runs deeper. There are layers to it.

This is not to say that the kink is "wrong".  The deeper layer is just another part of a greater thing, which encompasses all those layers.

There is a general principle at work here; just a bit of common sense, really, which has been known for a few thousand years: You reduce quantity to achieve quality.

You practice moderation so your excesses get even better.

You stop wanking twice a day, so whatever kind of sex you choose to have, is even more sexy.

By reducing your exposure to pornography, you become more sensitive to beauty. You may experience more sensual joy. The one partner you have in your life, may well become... not only "enough", but an unexhaustable well of wonderful experiences. By not trying to escape the bonds of monogamy through porn, you find renewed sensuality inside your relationship.

A tiny bit of buddhism


Buddhism teaches that opposition is just as binding as desire. You fight your urge -- it only becomes stronger. If you want to be free, you have to let your urges pass through. You have to somehow learn to live with them. You have to find a way to integrate them, while not being their slave. Total rejection might be one necessary step on that path, but it cannot be the ultimate goal. As long as you fight it, you are not at peace.

So again, those weird places on the net...


It seems to me that people on /r/nofap and companion subreddits come from a place of desperation. Their unability to shake their habit turns into self-loathing, and a wish to be able to eliminate it completely. Understandable, since they identify an addictive habit as the root of their issue, and they can't seem to get rid of it.

They claim supposed superpowers of irresistable attraction, so they can boost their morale and stay on track.

I'm not here to tell them otherwise.

I am here to propose an alternative view on sensuality in general.

I propose that less might actually be more. I propose that, instead of "getting rid of a nasty habit", you might be able to learn to enjoy heightened sensitivity through moderation, and the habit becomes a non-issue.

Are you a (no)fapper?


As mentioned above, I trained and practiced for many years, and I don't expect anyone to instantly "get" what I'm talking about if they're at the point where they hate themselves for their wanking; in spite of wanking off twice a day, like every other normal guy in my society, I never self-identified as a masturbation addict, and I was never into a lot of porn anyway, so I never saw an issue.

I do appreciate the difference.  I really do. The problems that those subreddits try to address, were never exactly my problems to boot.









For example, due to my training, I do not have sexual fantasies, as long as I don't want them. That's one huge advantage!

I have the subjective impression (without any hard evidence of course), that the way nofappers go about it, is only effective for a tiny minority. They don't see any other way, so the only way that presents itself, seems to be the only way forward.

It might absolutely be necessary, if you really feel you are hooked, to completely eliminate any form of porn, and any wanking, for a good while. After all, whatever works for you, works for you. I won't debate that.

If you are a nofapper,  I don't suggest that you should just believe me.

I suggest that you should remain open to both ideas, that you explore gently, slowly and with caution, and that you learn from your own experiences.



It might be a good idea to have a plan for the time after your "streak". That plan should involve a positive attitude towards your sensuality.

I suggest that you keep the ideas I present in the back of your head, that you research them when you feel sure that you can do so without danger.

Tuesday, July 31, 2018

A small list of some chastity and nofap related aspects and attitudes

Most people are not into chastity, nofap, or any related activity.
Some people use a chastity device in the bedroom to improve their sexual experience.
Some people use a chastity device for a day, some for a week, for a month, forever.
Some use a cage type device.
Some use a full belt.
Some people don't use a device at all.
Some people believe that medieval chastity belts were a real thing.
Some people believe that medieval chastity belts were a 19th century invention.
Some people use chastity as part of a 24/7 bdsm relationship.
Some people practice teasing and denial as a purely sexual fetish.
Some people don't tease at all.
Some people practice milking.
Some people use chastity as a device of humiliation.
Some people are proud of their chastity.
Some people spare themselves for their one true love.
Some people are into karezza.
Some people are into nofap.
Some people are into devotional sex.
Some hold their own keys.
Some hold their partner's keys.
Some have thrown away the keys or superglued their device.
Some people write elaborate stories about their own chastity.
Some people write stories that are completely made up.
Some people sell books on chastity.
Some people sell books on chastity, but have no real experience at all.
Some use strapons as a replacement for their dicks to satisfy their partners.
Some have strapons used on them.
Some identify as male.
Some identify as female.
Some identify as everything in between, around, or wherever else on a spectrum of about 99 dimensions and endless possibilities.
Some people are dealing with their fapping habit.
Some people refrain from watching porn or sexy images.
Some people actively watch porn as part of their practice.
Some people are appalled by their own kink.
Some people cherish their kink.
Some people are into tantra.
Some people think that tantra has nothing to do with it.
Some people think that the way other people define tantra is wrong.
Some people are chaste or celibate for the christian god.
Some people are chaste or celibate for enlightenment.
Some people are chaste or celibate for a hindu god.
Some people are chaste or celibate for a pagan god.
Some people are chaste or celibate for all kinds of religious ideas.
Some people think that fapping is unhealthy.
Some people think that fapping is a form of cheating.
Some people think that fapping is a form of objectification.
Some have nonejaculatory or full-body orgasms.
Some are allowed to touch themselves as long as they don't orgasm.
Some are not allowed to touch themselves at all.
Some retain their semen as part of their religious tradition.
Some do it for personal development.
Some are convinced that their way is the only true way.
Some people use chastity as part of a larger regime or abstaining from certain actions, words, or thoughts.
Some people use chastity as part of a female led relationship.
Some people have a male dominant partner.
Some people see chastity as a way of expressing feminism.
Some people see chastity as a deeply sexist practice.
Some go with the flow, in and out of chastity, where the wind takes them.
Some people reject the term chastity, and prefer other words.
Some are celibate as part of their clerical profession or calling.
Some people had severe psychological trauma.
Some are involuntarily celibate.
Some people think they need to punish themselves.
Some practice in ways that seem unhealthy to me.
Almost all practice in ways that are appalling to at least one other person.
Some people meditate.
Some people are asexual.
For some people, their practice is a form of meditation.
Some people think that a sexual kink can never be a form of meditation.
Some people think that the sexualisation of chastity is a sin.
Some people think that the sexualisation of chastity is full of post-modern irony.
Some people are right-wing.
Some people are liberals.
Some people are physically incapable of orgasm.
Some were born this way.
Some had an accident.
Some are physically ill.
Some are in detention.
Some are subjected to actual torture.
Some people are dead.
Some people will be motivated to comment on this list.
Some people will be motivated to protest against some items on this list.
Some people will be motivated to agree to some items on this list.
This list is not exhaustive.
All people are people.