It feels the better, the less pressure I put upon myself. This is a perfect opportunity to re-evaluate the performance-oriented model of chastity: people comparing streaks and meticulously noting benefits. The obsession with results is the opposite of what I'm trying to accomplish. Thinking back, my whole submissiveness, my tantra, my chastity -- it was all about letting go of the goal-oriented model.
Not that goals are bad, mind you. Only when they turn into obsession, is when we have an issue. And in the modern, capitalist, patriarchal society, they do so very predictably, almost inevitably, and in a very ugly, destructive way. I think that a lot of the ugliness of current mainstream porn comes from that focus.
Something I'm even more proud of, is that we had anorgasmic sex again last night. I suspect my wife suspects that I'm on chastity again, what with the amped-up attention and sexy times. We haven't talked about it yet, for lack of downtime.
She came home from work - what a lovely inversion of our old dynamic! - I licked the sweat off her whole body, gave her head for a sweet long time, entered her and rested in her. It was precious. There was no pressure to cum, and then it just kind of... ended, when we both felt it was time. We spent the rest of the evening next to each other, each one doing his/her thing, sometimes exchanging a few words and glances and kisses. I made a point of not letting her do any work until bedtime. (She feeds the cats at night, and any attempt at taking that away would lead to trouble.) I will try to increase that further, as much as I can. This is a practice in jumping over one's shadow, letting go of a bit of ego. Which can never be detrimental.
I feel like "anorgasmic sex" is too clinical a term. It's much closer to "making love" in an almost literal sense, than "normal" sex. It's incredibly tender, obviously it's very slow, very intimate. At the same time, it is in some way very animalistic.
I feel incredibly motivated to please and serve, and in a somewhat ironic twist, it doesn't feel submissive (as in bdsm), it just feels RIGHT. Not an obligation, but a privilege. Like this is what I truly want, always have wanted: to serve another human being - not necessarily in a kinky way only, but on a very real, fundamentally human level.
Funny how kink can turn one into a monk.
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