Diary of a nofap streak - Day 12: Not really that hard, but probably boring

I'm thinking... maybe the reason why people end their "streaks" is not because they can't stand the arousal anymore, or because their spouses beg them for sexy time. Maybe it just gets boring after a while. You can't focus on on not having orgasms for the rest of your life. It's just not that interesting in and of itself.

In general, my interests seem to shift about every other week. For a long time, I tried to tackle that by forcing me to keep with one thing. That didn't work out at all. For example, I would be sitting with my latest literary text, and just... no words would come, I would get irritated, start looking around for other things to do, find excuses... By now, I try to always have at least one literary project, one coding project, and one book to read, so I can switch them up. This works quite well.

Just to find one more thing related to chastity: The language of "energy". I have ranted about this quite a lot in the past - mostly because I often encounter a kind of intellectual rigidity, and because I can't seem to manage to explain my position to people in a way that doesn't alienate them. And it's a shame because I feel we could all profit from sharing our notes.

I haven't found any proof of special sexual energies in the body. What I found, was a feeling that can be metaphorically described as an "energy" - just like we talk about "warm fuzzy feelings" or "getting cold feet". We don't think that our body temperature actually changes locally to any signifcant amount just because we have romantic emotions, or some mild panic. In the same vein, I see no reason to presume, based on my own experiences and whatever I know about human anatomy, that the "energy" is anything but a psychomotor effect. So I accept "kundalini", "energy", "qi" as more or less apt metaphors for something we do with our body/minds. Works for me, anyway.

What I seem to encounter, over and over again, are people who desparately need to convince me that there is some reality to it. And I want to convince them - wait for it - NOT that they are wrong, but that that belief is unnecessary for us to talk about our experiences. The experiences are exactly the same (I guess) regardless of our interpretation. Or not. In order to determine that, we have to first establish common ground. And that seems impossible to do.

I think this goes to a larger issue. I'm not going to drag religion and politics into this... but it seems like these are fundamentally similar issues. I think identity politcs, groupthink and tribalism play a part in this.

We're all massively identified with our own positions. That goes for those interlocutors, that goes for myself. It seems almost impossible to just present a point, explain how I got there, compare notes, and be done with it. It always escalates into anger and name-calling and you-just-don't-get-it, and whatever.

I tried a lot about that. Nothing ever works.

I would love to have a debate about "kundalini energy" - but purely on the meta level. I would like some people from the "it's real" crowd and some from the "it's just a metaphor" group (do you even exist? Hello...? HELLO!!!?) to talk about how we could talk about our common experiences, our paths and detours, without getting all riled up and dragged into debates about semantics.

I face a very similar issue when it comes to religion. There are those who believe in it - and there are those who think it's all bullcrap and just throw it away. I'm somewhere in between. I don't believe in it, but I think it's a fundamentally important part of the human condition, it's endlessly fascinating and we should study it in-depth - which I have been doing all my adult life. And it frustrates me to no and how there is no way to communicate across group boundaries without a fight.

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Reddit thread: https://www.reddit.com/r/Joyful_Chastity/comments/huosv1/getting_back_into_chastity/

Diary of a nofap streak - Day 11: Looking forward to the unknown

Second to last day before my holidays. I can't wait.

I'm quite certain that I won't break the streak on my own. Right now it doesn't seem appealing to me at all. That might change of course. Tomorrow night, going out and getting wasted is a given, an obligation, a holy deed. Strange as it might seem, more often than not this does not trigger the urge for sweet self-love. I just go home and fall asleep.

So, sex with my most lovely wife, which is bound to happen this weekend or during the next week. There's a bit of ambivalence on her part about the whole anorgasmic-sex thing: on the one hand, she gets to get off, moreso than otherwise. She cherishes the improved intimacy. On the other hand, she likes to feel me cum inside her, and I understand and respect that. I'm not at a place where I would outright ask her to dispense with it, and the bdsm "make me wait" trope is hard to do because she just ain't dominant. She will indulge me sometimes, but it really ain't her true self. Then again, holidays sometimes have changed our dynamic quite a bit, there was more room for experimentation, so who knows what will happen.

Many cards are still in the deck, it would seem.

It would be lovely to go on without any orgasm until at the end of August. (I admit part of my motivation is to prove that, no, strange women will not start drooling over me, I won't suddenly have supermuscles, and I won't start flying around town.)

As for habits in general, and gaining motivation, I created a little habit tracker for myself - just your basic online php/mysql thingie, not even an app - and it helped me a lot. The sheer act of writing it down, and seeing the stats, helped me eat better, read and write more, and keep with the nofap.

I guess I've stopped believing in the mantra of concrete, tangible goals. It would seem that I do quite well with "I would like to write some more". Goals like "writing three times a week" always run the risk of leading to frustration and resignation with me. I think it's a question of character type. Some can only do it with very strict rules, while others deal better with some leniency.

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Reddit thread: https://www.reddit.com/r/Joyful_Chastity/comments/huosv1/getting_back_into_chastity/

Diary of a nofap streak - Day 10: Some days it's hard to write

I had a wonderful breathing/meditation/tantra session last night. I didn't even start touching myself at all, didn't go for edging or anything. It felt much calmer this way, very relaxing, and got me to drift off to sleep in the midst of a thunderstorm.

Still got out on the wrong side of the bed today -- and it's a new bed straight outta ikea too! Got some headache going on, am in no mood to write or do anything much. I'm in need of holidays! So looking forward to next week.

On the other hand, no incentive to end the streak. Strange thing too. Normally, when things get rough, chastity is one of the first things to fall by the wayside, because wanking is a quick, easy release. I think writing this thread helps me keep up the motivation - even though I realize that no more than a handful of people will ever read it.

It would be lovely to have some form of accountability community where people call you out if you miss a day. Hard to do though, since nobody can enforce it. But I think it might help with a lot of habits people try to establish.

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Reddit thread: https://www.reddit.com/r/Joyful_Chastity/comments/huosv1/getting_back_into_chastity/

Diary of a nofap streak - Day 9: Calm

It would seem that my internal workings are settling back down to normal. No compulsive browsing of bdsm subs, no strong desire to look at nudeys. This jibes quite well with the finding of [that one study](https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/12659241/), which said that testosterone peaks in males after a week of abstinence, but then peters back to the levels before the abstinence. (I don't claim that this necessarily *is* the answer -- hormones are a complex topic and should not be reduced to one single factor, neat as it sounds, and purportedly the actual content of said study reflects that fact.)

There is still some work-related stress before the holidays, but it can be managed. Oh and I set up our new ikea bed all by myself - not normally something to brag about, but for a 49yo spastic some back pain, it's quite the feat.

I wonder if all my future posts will consider more or less of "nothing special". If so, a terribly uninteresting period lies ahead!

One thing though, is the deepness of breath. It's hard to explain to anyone who hasn't experienced it, but there is this thing known as "transmutation of sexual energy" -  it feels like you're breathing the sexual powers from your genitals all through your body, and with prolongued chastity it tends to become "deeper", more "connected". The whole "I need to get laid right now" just kind of falls away, and it gets gradually replaced by a feeling of being connected with the universe. I totally understand where all the spiritual descriptions stem from - it really does feel that way, and if you don't activate your skepticism, you will likely fall for it. Even moreso if you need something "higher" to motivate you and keep you on the straight and narrow. It's very tempting.

I still think a lot of the good stuff has to do with "ego loss", which is just another word for letting go, and then letting go, and then letting go some more, all without forcing yourself. It allows you to get in touch with your fellow humans some more, probably being less in need of a filter composed of your projections. At least, that's the idea.

Diary of a nofap streak - Day 8: Pride

I feel proud for having made the first week. At the same time, I feel slightly silly for being proud. I've been there before. It keeps getting easier, and it keeps getting better.

It feels the better, the less pressure I put upon myself. This is a perfect opportunity to re-evaluate the performance-oriented model of chastity: people comparing streaks and meticulously noting benefits. The obsession with results is the opposite of what I'm trying to accomplish. Thinking back,  my whole submissiveness, my tantra, my chastity -- it was all about letting go of the goal-oriented model.

Not that goals are bad, mind you. Only when they turn into obsession, is when we have an issue. And in the modern, capitalist, patriarchal society, they do so very predictably, almost inevitably, and in a very ugly, destructive way. I think that a lot of the ugliness of current mainstream porn comes from that focus.

Something I'm even more proud of, is that we had anorgasmic sex again last night. I suspect my wife suspects that I'm on chastity again, what with the amped-up attention and sexy times. We haven't talked about it yet, for lack of downtime.

She came home from work - what a lovely inversion of our old dynamic! - I licked the sweat off her whole body, gave her head for a sweet long time, entered her and rested in her. It was precious. There was no pressure to cum, and then it just kind of... ended, when we both felt it was time. We spent the rest of the evening next to each other, each one doing his/her thing, sometimes exchanging a few words and glances and kisses. I made a point of not letting her do any work until bedtime. (She feeds the cats at night, and any attempt at taking that away would lead to trouble.) I will try to increase that further, as much as I can. This is a practice in jumping over one's shadow, letting go of a bit of ego. Which can never be detrimental.

I feel like "anorgasmic sex" is too clinical a term. It's much closer to "making love" in an almost literal sense, than "normal" sex. It's incredibly tender, obviously it's very slow, very intimate. At the same time, it is in some way very animalistic.

I feel incredibly motivated to please and serve, and in a somewhat ironic twist, it doesn't feel submissive (as in bdsm), it just feels RIGHT. Not an obligation, but a privilege. Like this is what I truly want, always have wanted: to serve another human being - not necessarily in a kinky way only, but on a very real, fundamentally human level.

Funny how kink can turn one into a monk.

Some recommendations for evaluating your practice.

If you chance upon some form of practice - spiritual, personal development, otherwise - why would you want to evaluate if it actually works, when you can just go with it and see what happens? Here are some reasons: Because you've fallen for charlatans before. Because you have to invest your time and money, and both are precious to you. Because you know humans are biased. Simply because you're curious, and you want to know how the world actually works.

So... do you want to know if it really works, or do you just want to feel good? Both are fine, but if you do the latter, please don't pretend like you know. Be honest with yourself and others.

Journal your experiences.

Do you journal only the affirming experiences, or do you try to write down the negative too? Again, both can be good practice, but you need to be clear, be honest. Don't lie to yourself.

When you look for external proof, actively try to find sources that contradict, criticize, debunk your practice. Repeat that process after a while. New research may have surfaced, and your experience might have sharpened your eye.

Ask yourself: What do I do to account for the placebo effect? What do I do to counter my biases - most importantly, how do I deal with selection and confirmation bias?

Don't keep to your social media bubble. Try to actively seek out places where you are likely to encounter opposition, criticism, skepticism.

Do you try to be in-line with up-to-date, peer-reviewed science? If not, do you openly admit this being the case? Don't quote scientific literature if it agrees with you, but then when challenged, retreat to "it's not science, it's a lifestyle", "I really don't care about science" or somesuch.

Do check from time to time whether the ideas behind your practice are consistent with the rest of your worldview and generally accepted facts.

Perhaps the most important recommendation: Start prefacing your claims with "I think", "It might be the case", "I suspect", "I'm very confident" etc. Whenever you can, add the reason for why you think this way. It might seem silly, but it will change the way you relate to your own ideas - you train yourself to apportion your beliefs to the evidence and have good reasons for believing in them. I.e., it will make you more rational.

Diary of a nofap streak - Day 7: Just some rambling thoughts

Last night when my wife got home, we sat beside each other in bed and I massaged her feet, just like that, no pretension or demand. A soft, tender, romantic moment. I asked her if she wanted me to give her head, which she declined. I'll do that more often from now on. As I mentioned before, the old routine of her doing all the chores needs to be broken - and then broken again, and again, since it tends to re-establish itself.

I woke up depressed and anxious.

Two hours later, I'm back in high productivity, for which I am happy and thankful. Collecting ideas for my novel, watching a few videos, writing, reading... it's good. There's always this tendency to procrastinate on the actual writing though. Which is kind of odd, since when I'm in the flow, it feels truly great.

One shouldn't forget though that rest is important. It's a sunday. There has to be some down-time.

I feel like I'm cheating just a little bit, because I write those "daily journal entries" in the morning. Well duh.

I feel like stubborn irrationality still gets me too much. I feel sad for people who stick to their guns no matter what. Of course, biases affect us all. Permanently checking and re-checking one's favourite ideas is a heck of a lot of work, but it's the best we can do in order to believe as many true and as few false things as possible.

What is my own piece of wood in this particular fire, my dog in this fight? I'm totally trying to advocate the idea of apportioning the belief to the evidence, proudly admitting that "I think this... becase...", "I have a hunch... based only on my experience...", "I read this in this book, which I think is reliable because..."

You know, just this simple trick of always indicating one's level of confidence, and giving at least one reason why one thinks so. I think this would solve a lot of problems in debates, because it gives the other person the opportunity to check your claims and bring up issues with it.

Changing one's mind is good! Being corrected is good, because afterwards, you're closer to the truth.

Today's crazy idea: SR was an invention of feminists who wanted guys to suffer. What better way to get them to suffer, than to lure them in with the elusive promise of more pussy? "Oh, you just deprive yourself of satisfaction for only 90 days, then you'll have more dark-eyed houris than you can count!" LOL.

I see no reason to break the streak.

I re-read a little book on female-led relationships. Keeping up the mindset, wallowing in it like an elephant in dung, playing around with ideas and far-fetched concepts... it's a major part of the fun, to my mind.

We all live in a fantasy world anyway, might just as well make the fantasy pleasing to my sight.
It just occurred to me: It is really strange how people (i.e., males) practice chastity/nofap/SR for completely different, sometimes diametrically opposed reasons.

I wonder to what degree nofap is male dominated, and the chastity kink as well. I'm willing to bet it's like 90% a male thing.