It is clear that my desire for bdsm scenarios isn't met in my life. Some of my fantasies remain unrealized. As I delve deeper into being deprived of sexual satisfaction (of my own accord of course), those urges get stronger.
This is a good time to reflect on what those needs are, and what that means.
Fantasies are just fantasies. They do not hurt nor help, they are not by themselves agents. Not living a fantasy is not lethal.
So if there is a real need, then that need is something that resides in, or cloaks itself with that fantasy.
How do we tease it out?
Let's explore it (I'll be speaking the language of bdsm and omit the scare quotes from hereonafter):
I want my wife to enforce my chastity. I want my sexual desire to be completely focused on my wife, to a point where serving her - including, but going way beyond mere sexual bedroom games - becomes more than a need - an absolute, inescapable, fundamental requirement of my being. I want her to exploit that way in somewhat sadistic and mean, but also romantic and tender and loving ways. I want our relationship to grow deeper and more intimate through it.
So far the fantasy.
What would be a good question to ask, in general, to get from the fantasy to the need?
How about this: "If a fairy entered your flat overnight, and in the morning the fantasy suddenly became a reality - what, to your mind, would actually change in your life, on a real level?" *)
Our sex life would be much hotter and more intense than it is now - which is something we both strive for, and life does its best to thwart our efforts (sometimes one side wins, sometimes the other).
I would have lots of work that I don't do now - household chores, errands, groceries, the laundry.
I would do it with love and pleasure. I would grow as a human being, be a bit closer to "enlightenment" (fwiw), ultimately more liberated, less bound.
I would be freed of the privilege, but also the burden, of my own orgasm. In bed, I would have the utter privilge to be solely focused on her pleasure, and her pleasure only.
I would be able to proudly say that she actually has less work because of me - not more, as is often the case because of my workload and because I make more money.
My need for serving another being, and my need to have my sexuality cared for, controlled and validated by somebody who loves me dearly, would be SEEN and taken seriously.
Hmm. Enough for today. It's a good posting. I'm proud of it. Maybe I should start to export these postings into my personal blog in the near future. I feel like this journey merits some form of textual preservation.
*) See Coaching and Counseling Interventions 101 - "The Fairy Question".
Reddit thread: https://www.reddit.com/r/Joyful_Chastity/comments/huosv1/getting_back_into_chastity/
Empathy. Rationality. Sensuality.
Thursday, July 23, 2020
Wednesday, July 22, 2020
Diary of a nofap streak - day 3
I will try and keep up these daily postings, for as long as possible. I think this might be good "spiritual" practice, actually. A bit of reflection. I will likely end it when I choose to break the streak.
This is the day of excitement, arousal, horniness. There is a bit of apprehension, and there is restlessness. It helps (and doesn't) that I'm looking forward to my summer holidays, that we are redesigning the flat, and other intense stuff going on in our lives.
My writing is going great since yesterday. The avid semenretentionist would jubilate in the validation of his beliefs, but me being the skeptic, and not that much interested in "retaining the energy", I think that first, two days in a row ain't that much, second, it has happened before, even while wanking twice a day, and three, correlation ain't causation. I did look at titillating pix more than usual, and perused the bdsm subs, but that's to be expected - I always do that a few days after I gently slip into a new "streak". It's basic horniness, is all.
I did a few bdsm-y "exercises", i.e. I "trained" with the buttplug, to limited success lol. Now I'm sitting on my bed doing tantra stuff, i.e. "breathing through the anus", a.k.a. kegels plus breathing, and I'm doing two more hours of writing. It's quite good, all in all!
Reddit thread: https://www.reddit.com/r/Joyful_Chastity/comments/huosv1/getting_back_into_chastity/
Tuesday, July 21, 2020
Diary of a nofap streak - day 2: Yes, this is good. Yes, I'm going with it for a while.
I have no clue why it is this way, now. Well... I might have. Less work stress, the holidays ahead, more yoga, better food...
There is a connection.
You know the old esoteric saying that "everything is connected with everything else"?
That is bullshit, of course. Lots of things don't have any causal connection whatsoever. Causality only works one way in time, for one thing...
Anyway, many things in our lives really ARE connected, interconnected to a degree that warrants the generalisation: "It is all connected", albeit not in a literal, strict sense... just as a general gist.
There is, obviously, a connection between your food and your wellbeing. There is a connection between being overworked and emotional turmoil.
I like to picture it as a coil, a spiral.
A spiral has two directions - upwards and downwards.
Emotional stress leads to less sex. Less sex leads to more frustration, which leads to bad food choices, which leads to bad overall wellbeing, which might lead to making mistakes, which leads to more stress... etc.
But it also works the other way around: More sex alleviates frustration, so there is less stress, better work, which leads to better food, etc.
It doesn't really matter much where the chain of causality starts. On the one hand, when life starts throwing shit at you, as it inevitably does, you are going to go down a few notches.
On the other hand, you can start to change at any point. Start cleaning up your relationship mess. Start having good sex. Start making healthier food choices. Reduce the workload. Whatever is easiest to do.
In the current particular case, I'm not sure what exactly triggered it - but that's fine. This one time, it seems to work in my favour! I'm not going to complain for sure.
Reddit thread: https://www.reddit.com/r/Joyful_Chastity/comments/huosv1/getting_back_into_chastity/
There is a connection.
You know the old esoteric saying that "everything is connected with everything else"?
That is bullshit, of course. Lots of things don't have any causal connection whatsoever. Causality only works one way in time, for one thing...
Anyway, many things in our lives really ARE connected, interconnected to a degree that warrants the generalisation: "It is all connected", albeit not in a literal, strict sense... just as a general gist.
There is, obviously, a connection between your food and your wellbeing. There is a connection between being overworked and emotional turmoil.
I like to picture it as a coil, a spiral.
A spiral has two directions - upwards and downwards.
Emotional stress leads to less sex. Less sex leads to more frustration, which leads to bad food choices, which leads to bad overall wellbeing, which might lead to making mistakes, which leads to more stress... etc.
But it also works the other way around: More sex alleviates frustration, so there is less stress, better work, which leads to better food, etc.
It doesn't really matter much where the chain of causality starts. On the one hand, when life starts throwing shit at you, as it inevitably does, you are going to go down a few notches.
On the other hand, you can start to change at any point. Start cleaning up your relationship mess. Start having good sex. Start making healthier food choices. Reduce the workload. Whatever is easiest to do.
In the current particular case, I'm not sure what exactly triggered it - but that's fine. This one time, it seems to work in my favour! I'm not going to complain for sure.
Reddit thread: https://www.reddit.com/r/Joyful_Chastity/comments/huosv1/getting_back_into_chastity/
Monday, July 20, 2020
Diary of a nofap streak - day 1
(This is the introductory posting. I didn't plan to do a daily update at this point, so it's just me rambling a bit.)
Isn't it strange how the perceived needs in our sives wax and wane, come and go? One day, you can't do without a good wank, or even two or three... then something changes, and you feel like you could go on forever on that oddly satisfying feeling of chastity.
Oh, and I got myself banned from /r/pureretention. Yeah I was harsh on the guy, I know, maybe too harsh. I didn't do it out of spite. I just feel that sometimes, we have to push back against the nonsense, the grandiose claims of people who simply cannot have it any other way, who cannot accept opposition against their ideas, who cannot conduct a debate or admit that they don't know something, that it's just a hunch, just conjecture. Sometimes one can be lovely and sweet and soft. Sometimes, not so much. This was one of those times.
I think almost all that is said about chastity online, is just conjecture based on some preconceived ideas, some ideology, some personal experiences, a bit of reading here and there.
So is what I have to say. We're all in the dark. We sometimes catch glimpses of truth. Wonderful if that happens, but we should be wary of overselling it. The real real REAL Truth, the one with a capital T, is still out there. None of us has it.
It's not about overcoming - overcoming desire with willpower, overcoming addiction by strength. I'm sure there are guys who need just that - to learn that they have the ability to move past their simplest physical needs for a while, to shake a habit that has overwhelmed them.
For me, it's not about that. That's why I sometimes give in to temptation, why there will always be times of intense masturbation.
For me, moving past shame is at least as important as moving into the ability to deal with frustration and temptation. Yes, half a year of chastity would be nice. Half a year of chastity, supervised by my wife, would be incredible. Alas, it is not in my stars, and I accept that.
It is about accepting what is, just as it is. When the urge strikes, and I do not resist, that is what is happening right now, and I strive to accept it. When the urge comes, and I can breathe through it, then I want to accept that, too.
I want to learn to accept as much pleasure as possible, and to see arousal as pleasure. Ultimately, I want to see everything as a form of pleasure - even pain, even sadness, even loss - or as a form of neutral event that just happens. I doubt that one can get there through an act of resistance, of overpowering. I think the way is through self-acceptance, not force.
I won't be spending much willpower on overcoming an urge. I think overcoming, overpowering is counter-productive. I think willpower is massively overrated in general. It only works in the short run. For long-term success, we need something different, something soft, something flexible, adaptive, flowing - watery, not rocky; seductive rather than violent; a web of silk and trust and comfort, rather than an iron armor.
Reddit thread: https://www.reddit.com/r/Joyful_Chastity/comments/huosv1/getting_back_into_chastity/
Isn't it strange how the perceived needs in our sives wax and wane, come and go? One day, you can't do without a good wank, or even two or three... then something changes, and you feel like you could go on forever on that oddly satisfying feeling of chastity.
Oh, and I got myself banned from /r/pureretention. Yeah I was harsh on the guy, I know, maybe too harsh. I didn't do it out of spite. I just feel that sometimes, we have to push back against the nonsense, the grandiose claims of people who simply cannot have it any other way, who cannot accept opposition against their ideas, who cannot conduct a debate or admit that they don't know something, that it's just a hunch, just conjecture. Sometimes one can be lovely and sweet and soft. Sometimes, not so much. This was one of those times.
I think almost all that is said about chastity online, is just conjecture based on some preconceived ideas, some ideology, some personal experiences, a bit of reading here and there.
So is what I have to say. We're all in the dark. We sometimes catch glimpses of truth. Wonderful if that happens, but we should be wary of overselling it. The real real REAL Truth, the one with a capital T, is still out there. None of us has it.
It's not about overcoming - overcoming desire with willpower, overcoming addiction by strength. I'm sure there are guys who need just that - to learn that they have the ability to move past their simplest physical needs for a while, to shake a habit that has overwhelmed them.
For me, it's not about that. That's why I sometimes give in to temptation, why there will always be times of intense masturbation.
For me, moving past shame is at least as important as moving into the ability to deal with frustration and temptation. Yes, half a year of chastity would be nice. Half a year of chastity, supervised by my wife, would be incredible. Alas, it is not in my stars, and I accept that.
It is about accepting what is, just as it is. When the urge strikes, and I do not resist, that is what is happening right now, and I strive to accept it. When the urge comes, and I can breathe through it, then I want to accept that, too.
I want to learn to accept as much pleasure as possible, and to see arousal as pleasure. Ultimately, I want to see everything as a form of pleasure - even pain, even sadness, even loss - or as a form of neutral event that just happens. I doubt that one can get there through an act of resistance, of overpowering. I think the way is through self-acceptance, not force.
I won't be spending much willpower on overcoming an urge. I think overcoming, overpowering is counter-productive. I think willpower is massively overrated in general. It only works in the short run. For long-term success, we need something different, something soft, something flexible, adaptive, flowing - watery, not rocky; seductive rather than violent; a web of silk and trust and comfort, rather than an iron armor.
Reddit thread: https://www.reddit.com/r/Joyful_Chastity/comments/huosv1/getting_back_into_chastity/
Thursday, March 26, 2020
Resting in Goddess
I invited her over to my side of the bed. We undressed. I kissed her all over, revelling in her beauty, taking in and feeling and tasting her big breasts and her wonderful belly, her lush bush, her steaming pussy. I ate her out. The third time this week. I went slow. I let go of thoughts. I went with her rhythm, inducing my own just as much as I thought necessary. This time, she came... hard. Possibly harder than I have ever seen her come. So hard, she wouldn't want a second round, which she almost always wants, lol.
I lay on top of her. I let my cock glide inside. We looked into each others eyes for a long time. We kissed. We closed eyes, carressed, fondled, kissed. I did not move inside her. I did not come.
I felt like I was resting in Goddess. There was no need to come. It was glorious, intimate, deep and loving.
Sunday, December 8, 2019
Vi La Bianca has an altar!
I think this is very refreshing. "Trick your brain into feeling better" is very much in agreement with my skeptic tantrika thang.
You can be a skeptic and an atheist, and still enjoy all the wonderful feelings that a practice taken from a religious tradition can bestow.
Friday, October 26, 2018
Excellent videos on meditation by a skeptic
From the youtube channel "
It just ain't fair. There I was, looking for someone who would challenge my beliefs on meditation, maybe have a little debate or somthun.
Turns out, not only does this guy mostly agree with my own notions, but he articulates them better than I can.
The gist of it is that the "interesting" experiences in meditation don't mean shit beyond what they are - experiences.
If you're interested in that kinda thang - enjoy!
Here's another one of his:
If I hear him right, he is actually in favour of meditation - as a religious practice - but doesn't see any scientifically vindicated merit to it as a health practice. Now, admittedly I used to think that there are some studies suggesting that meditation can improve some brain states.
Okay, so maybe that ain't so. That's fine. I always thought that those claims were a bit useless, anyway. After all, if a game of table tennis is a worthwhile endeavour that nobody feels motivated to back up by science, then why wouldn't the same go for just quietly sitting around for a while?
I do not claim that meditation has any effect outside subjective experience. I would, however, claim that in my own experience, daily meditation plus a good healthy dose of stoic philosophy, did help me get out of a rut, and does help me create less trouble for myself and others. I have the impression that it became easier, over time, to see things with less bias and to come down faster from an emotional outburst. I have no clue if that works for everyone, or if it can even ever be proven that it works for a few. It's only my impression, is all.
I do think that "getting a little bit of rest" between an impulse and my reaction, is something I achieved through my practice and that, at worst, I am wasting an hour before dawn feeling rather well.
Or I might just be getting older. Well, I guess I can live with that.
To me, the more important part is to not fall for the religious implications assigned to meditation. That there probably is no enlightenment awating just around the corner. That being a bit calmer does not mean that I have some "spiritual achievement", or that I am somehow better than others. It just seems to make my life a bit easier.
It just ain't fair. There I was, looking for someone who would challenge my beliefs on meditation, maybe have a little debate or somthun.
Turns out, not only does this guy mostly agree with my own notions, but he articulates them better than I can.
The gist of it is that the "interesting" experiences in meditation don't mean shit beyond what they are - experiences.
If you're interested in that kinda thang - enjoy!
Here's another one of his:
If I hear him right, he is actually in favour of meditation - as a religious practice - but doesn't see any scientifically vindicated merit to it as a health practice. Now, admittedly I used to think that there are some studies suggesting that meditation can improve some brain states.
Okay, so maybe that ain't so. That's fine. I always thought that those claims were a bit useless, anyway. After all, if a game of table tennis is a worthwhile endeavour that nobody feels motivated to back up by science, then why wouldn't the same go for just quietly sitting around for a while?
I do not claim that meditation has any effect outside subjective experience. I would, however, claim that in my own experience, daily meditation plus a good healthy dose of stoic philosophy, did help me get out of a rut, and does help me create less trouble for myself and others. I have the impression that it became easier, over time, to see things with less bias and to come down faster from an emotional outburst. I have no clue if that works for everyone, or if it can even ever be proven that it works for a few. It's only my impression, is all.
I do think that "getting a little bit of rest" between an impulse and my reaction, is something I achieved through my practice and that, at worst, I am wasting an hour before dawn feeling rather well.
Or I might just be getting older. Well, I guess I can live with that.
To me, the more important part is to not fall for the religious implications assigned to meditation. That there probably is no enlightenment awating just around the corner. That being a bit calmer does not mean that I have some "spiritual achievement", or that I am somehow better than others. It just seems to make my life a bit easier.
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