Monday, August 27, 2018

Enhanced Sensuality through Abstinence

Last week, I engaged on a higly reduced diet, led by my partner.

On top of no orgasms and enthusiastic obedience to all my Lady's whims, I was not allowed any porn, and I had to ask permission to use any kind of erotic media. To facilitate this, I blocked all reddit images, and I set my search preferences to "moderate safe-search". Despite my long-running habit of neotantric ejaculation-free self love, I abstained from even that, just to be on the safe side.

By the end of the week, I felt exhilarated, liberated and excited. Women on the street appeared more sexy. Beauty appeared more intense. My Lady was an adorable, unfathomably and dangerously beautiful goddess, even moreso than she always is. The need for bare breasts evaporated and made way for an appreciation of faces and gestures and movements and forms.

The world of nofap


As a person involved in western neotantra, bdsm chastity games, and some other stuff, I lurk on some subreddits such as /r/nofap, /r/pornfree, and  /r/semenretention.

I have struggled for quite some time to get clear on the differences between the apparent majority opinion on those subs, and my own way of thinking.

There is the nagging suspicion of a covert religious agenda. There is a slew of irrational pseudoscience, of course. There is an odd kind of team-spirit. There is a focus on long-running streaks, the longer the better. There is a promise of superpowers that I don't believe in.

All of that is not the core issue.

The core difference


People on /r/nofap try to achieve freedom through abstinence from sensuality.

I try to find enhanced sensuality through abstinence.

If both of those sound strange to you, I absolutely understand. If you buy into the western narrative of ongoing "sexual revolution" and indiviudalism expressed via sexuality, then all of this sounds strange, by necessity.

The western idea of individualistic sensuality


I'm building on those western values as a foundation. In fact, I am, as a person, infused with them, built on top of them. They are built into my being. I grew up in the 1970s and 80s, after all. I was formed by a deeply indivudalist, (post-)sexual-revolution society.

There is, obviously, a deep-running neurotic relation to sexuality in western culture. For a long time, the idea was to catch and conquer the beast, to see sexuality as something basal and primitive one had to overcome, or else...

With the sexual revolution of the late 20th century, this idea shifted: Now, sexuality was something to appreciate and to indulge in. Everybody was free to do what they wanted in their bedrooms (except if they did not want to do anything, which made them seem odd and suspicious). Consent required, of course.

Freedom, hence, was to be expressed in the chorus of "You don't get to tell me anything, and I'mma prove it to you by watching the filthiest porn I can find, and wanking to it until my balls fall off."

There is something fundamentally wrong in both approaches.

Don't get me wrong. I do not oppose sensuality, or sexuality. They are not evil, not sinful, not addictive or bad. Wanking can make you feel good. There is no harm in it.

I do oppose, however, mindless, overindulgent "sensuality". I oppose the idea that "more equals better". I resent the perverted, twisted kind of "sensuality" that comes in the form of glossy magazine covers. I think that women twisted into yoga-esque stretches just to show off their genitals are the opposite of sensual. I think that exploitation is unsexy and sad.

In fact, I like to put this kind of "sensuality" in scare quotes, because I think it is not sensual at all. There is only a superficial similarity.

Some personal history


I got into all this, long long ago, via bdsm chastity games.

My initial motivation was not to overcome my sensuality or my sexual desire. It was the opposite: I wanted to amp it up, in order to experience the masochistic pleasure of denial. I wanted to "spice up" my sex life, and for whatever reason, chastity and "denial" was what kicked my kink.

Over the years, my goals changed, as I changed through age and experience. Instead of suffering, I found joy. Instead of "enforced" abstinence, I found moderated sensuality. In sex, I found spirituality. Underneath the kink games, I found a layer of truth.

I found deep potential in deliberate self-constraint.

We should not let this potential be monopolized my morality and religion. We should liberate it from those shackles. We should cherish our sensuality by shaping it, arranging it, enjoying it slowly, in small pieces, rather than swallowing whatever we can find, whenever we can find it. We should see moderation as a joy, not a chore.

A little tidbit from my neotantric experience


You go slow, and you achieve unfathomable bliss. You don't "overheat", and you experience endless orgasmic feelings. You stay at a low level of arousal, and it keeps you from exhausting your resources.

By not overindulging, you become more sensitive, and hence you achieve greater pleasure.

A flaccid penis is more sensitive to touch than an erect one. I don't have to tell you how to fact-check that claim.

This works on the physical level, but it works on any other level, too.

Layers of deepness


Obedience to my Lady is a form of chivalry and pure love. It is very kinky, and it is more than that. It runs deeper. There are layers to it.

This is not to say that the kink is "wrong".  The deeper layer is just another part of a greater thing, which encompasses all those layers.

There is a general principle at work here; just a bit of common sense, really, which has been known for a few thousand years: You reduce quantity to achieve quality.

You practice moderation so your excesses get even better.

You stop wanking twice a day, so whatever kind of sex you choose to have, is even more sexy.

By reducing your exposure to pornography, you become more sensitive to beauty. You may experience more sensual joy. The one partner you have in your life, may well become... not only "enough", but an unexhaustable well of wonderful experiences. By not trying to escape the bonds of monogamy through porn, you find renewed sensuality inside your relationship.

A tiny bit of buddhism


Buddhism teaches that opposition is just as binding as desire. You fight your urge -- it only becomes stronger. If you want to be free, you have to let your urges pass through. You have to somehow learn to live with them. You have to find a way to integrate them, while not being their slave. Total rejection might be one necessary step on that path, but it cannot be the ultimate goal. As long as you fight it, you are not at peace.

So again, those weird places on the net...


It seems to me that people on /r/nofap and companion subreddits come from a place of desperation. Their unability to shake their habit turns into self-loathing, and a wish to be able to eliminate it completely. Understandable, since they identify an addictive habit as the root of their issue, and they can't seem to get rid of it.

They claim supposed superpowers of irresistable attraction, so they can boost their morale and stay on track.

I'm not here to tell them otherwise.

I am here to propose an alternative view on sensuality in general.

I propose that less might actually be more. I propose that, instead of "getting rid of a nasty habit", you might be able to learn to enjoy heightened sensitivity through moderation, and the habit becomes a non-issue.

Are you a (no)fapper?


As mentioned above, I trained and practiced for many years, and I don't expect anyone to instantly "get" what I'm talking about if they're at the point where they hate themselves for their wanking; in spite of wanking off twice a day, like every other normal guy in my society, I never self-identified as a masturbation addict, and I was never into a lot of porn anyway, so I never saw an issue.

I do appreciate the difference.  I really do. The problems that those subreddits try to address, were never exactly my problems to boot.









For example, due to my training, I do not have sexual fantasies, as long as I don't want them. That's one huge advantage!

I have the subjective impression (without any hard evidence of course), that the way nofappers go about it, is only effective for a tiny minority. They don't see any other way, so the only way that presents itself, seems to be the only way forward.

It might absolutely be necessary, if you really feel you are hooked, to completely eliminate any form of porn, and any wanking, for a good while. After all, whatever works for you, works for you. I won't debate that.

If you are a nofapper,  I don't suggest that you should just believe me.

I suggest that you should remain open to both ideas, that you explore gently, slowly and with caution, and that you learn from your own experiences.



It might be a good idea to have a plan for the time after your "streak". That plan should involve a positive attitude towards your sensuality.

I suggest that you keep the ideas I present in the back of your head, that you research them when you feel sure that you can do so without danger.

Tuesday, August 7, 2018

My biggest contention...

My biggest contention with esoteric and religious teachings (okay, to be precise, it's only one of the more important ones) is that they always give rise to projection, because there always seems to be a holier-than-thou element.

For example, one guy, after I don't know how many weeks of nofap/semen-retention claims that other men are now much more aggressive towards him. The thinking is that nofap makes you "more alpha" and more attractive or something, and others react to that. And he's not the only one. Not by a long stretch.

Yet, somehow, this is not seen as a challenge to the nofapper, but as a flaw of all others. Because the practice is perfect and flawless and holy in and of itself, of course, by way of dogma. Therefore, others have to be to blame.

Remember the old adage: "If erveryone around you seems like an asshole..."!

Wouldn't it be simpler, and more plausible, to conclude that you have become more aggressive because of your practice, and that you should change yourself, instead of trying to change others? Or maybe... you know... change your practice, or even abandon it, if there are unwanted side-effects?

Nuh-huh. Cannot have that. Can. NOT.

Tuesday, July 31, 2018

A small list of some chastity and nofap related aspects and attitudes

Most people are not into chastity, nofap, or any related activity.
Some people use a chastity device in the bedroom to improve their sexual experience.
Some people use a chastity device for a day, some for a week, for a month, forever.
Some use a cage type device.
Some use a full belt.
Some people don't use a device at all.
Some people believe that medieval chastity belts were a real thing.
Some people believe that medieval chastity belts were a 19th century invention.
Some people use chastity as part of a 24/7 bdsm relationship.
Some people practice teasing and denial as a purely sexual fetish.
Some people don't tease at all.
Some people practice milking.
Some people use chastity as a device of humiliation.
Some people are proud of their chastity.
Some people spare themselves for their one true love.
Some people are into karezza.
Some people are into nofap.
Some people are into devotional sex.
Some hold their own keys.
Some hold their partner's keys.
Some have thrown away the keys or superglued their device.
Some people write elaborate stories about their own chastity.
Some people write stories that are completely made up.
Some people sell books on chastity.
Some people sell books on chastity, but have no real experience at all.
Some use strapons as a replacement for their dicks to satisfy their partners.
Some have strapons used on them.
Some identify as male.
Some identify as female.
Some identify as everything in between, around, or wherever else on a spectrum of about 99 dimensions and endless possibilities.
Some people are dealing with their fapping habit.
Some people refrain from watching porn or sexy images.
Some people actively watch porn as part of their practice.
Some people are appalled by their own kink.
Some people cherish their kink.
Some people are into tantra.
Some people think that tantra has nothing to do with it.
Some people think that the way other people define tantra is wrong.
Some people are chaste or celibate for the christian god.
Some people are chaste or celibate for enlightenment.
Some people are chaste or celibate for a hindu god.
Some people are chaste or celibate for a pagan god.
Some people are chaste or celibate for all kinds of religious ideas.
Some people think that fapping is unhealthy.
Some people think that fapping is a form of cheating.
Some people think that fapping is a form of objectification.
Some have nonejaculatory or full-body orgasms.
Some are allowed to touch themselves as long as they don't orgasm.
Some are not allowed to touch themselves at all.
Some retain their semen as part of their religious tradition.
Some do it for personal development.
Some are convinced that their way is the only true way.
Some people use chastity as part of a larger regime or abstaining from certain actions, words, or thoughts.
Some people use chastity as part of a female led relationship.
Some people have a male dominant partner.
Some people see chastity as a way of expressing feminism.
Some people see chastity as a deeply sexist practice.
Some go with the flow, in and out of chastity, where the wind takes them.
Some people reject the term chastity, and prefer other words.
Some are celibate as part of their clerical profession or calling.
Some people had severe psychological trauma.
Some are involuntarily celibate.
Some people think they need to punish themselves.
Some practice in ways that seem unhealthy to me.
Almost all practice in ways that are appalling to at least one other person.
Some people meditate.
Some people are asexual.
For some people, their practice is a form of meditation.
Some people think that a sexual kink can never be a form of meditation.
Some people think that the sexualisation of chastity is a sin.
Some people think that the sexualisation of chastity is full of post-modern irony.
Some people are right-wing.
Some people are liberals.
Some people are physically incapable of orgasm.
Some were born this way.
Some had an accident.
Some are physically ill.
Some are in detention.
Some are subjected to actual torture.
Some people are dead.
Some people will be motivated to comment on this list.
Some people will be motivated to protest against some items on this list.
Some people will be motivated to agree to some items on this list.
This list is not exhaustive.
All people are people.

Thursday, April 19, 2018

So you want to be a "slave", huh?

You want to be begging for mercy, down on your knees. You want a latex-clad strict Belle Dame Sans Merci to tell you how small and useless your penis is, while she wields a whip the length of Roissy and fucks your ass with a 15 inch dildo made of steel, covered in ginger essence.

You have a perfect bullet list in your head, and there are 42 items on it. You know the weapons she is to use, the clothes she should wear, the exact amount of Icy Hot to put under your foreskin.

If that's what you want, and if that's what you get, by all means, go for it. You have my blessing. More (or less) power to you!

Seeing all the complaints of (mostly male) subs about how they can't find what they crave, some skepticism might be in order.

My Lovely Lady and I recently decided that our sex had become a bit... habitual. Not bad. Far from it, we both felt it was great, but we also thought that a wee bit of spicing up might be the way to go.

Of course I dragged my old bdsm and chastity fantasies out of the closet. We had ventured into that county several years before, it was quite fun, and then we just kind of forgot about it, never mentioned it again. She's very inexperienced in that regard, She's basically compassion incarnate, and She is just... soo.. not sadistic at all.

I decided to make it as easy as possible for her. To frame it more like a bit of chivalry on my part, as our mutual, combined learning experience - everything but the cliché. She's an extremely sweet girl, so I asked her to be precisely as sweet as she wanted to. The sessions would last for as long as we decided, and instead of trying to "punish" me for inexistent and made-up "crimes", we would try and find the limits of my pain-tolerance, together. It's our journey together, as a couple, as people.

Lo and behold.

Next thing I know, I'm fetching Her drinks and serving them in style. I'm in for a week of teasing and denial. I'm kneeling by the side of the bed. I'm getting pegged.

She made me write her a text every day at noon, in which I was to ask her, kindly, to tell me what she wanted me to do for Her that day.

It's brilliant. Absolutely brilliant. That one instruction was so "mild" that She didn't have to feel like She was overstepping some boundary. She doesn't have to think of it, I have a task to perform for Her every day by default, and She can always decide to just give no order at all if She likes.

There is a level of D/s that is overtly sexual. Kneeling naked by the bed is very, very sexy.

There is another level. It's where you take out the trash, and serve Her meals, and try to think of things to make Her life easier. It's where you let Her choose the video to watch, but you also prepare a few choices because you know She has a hard time making decisions like that. It is this level that goes truly deep. It is where bdsm and spirituality meet. It is where you're about to go "naaaah... not AGAIN, I wanna do sumthin ELSE...", and then you think of your place in this, and you shut the fuck up and do it, and it is transformed into pure sweetness as if by magic.

It's where you stand behind her and gently pet her shoulders while she's brushing her teeth, just because it feels good for her. Where you feel the urge to fetch Her a fresh towel after Her shower, not because it's kinky, but because that's the way it's supposed to be.

It's sexual too, but it's also just basic good old-fashioned chivalry. It's a form of medieval, romantic self-conquest and discipline that often seems to get overlooked in the modern world, where we're all on a quest to become more, not better. It's oh so sexy and satisfying, and what's more, it just feels very, very natural.

And if you struggle to get your Lady on board, let me humbly suggest that you drop all bdsm dressup, forget whips and chains and nipple clamps, and frame it as just you being nice. It might get you further than you think!

Wednesday, April 18, 2018

Salespitch for the Tantric Mindset

There is this mindset of "self-improvement". People come from a place of deficiency. They are less-than. Not-quite. In need of optimization.

To me, this is epitomized in communities such as /r/nofap and /r/pornfree.

The idea is that "I have this obsession, I have to get rid of it, so I have to renounce this pleasure to reach my goal."
 In this view, ou are a victim of porn, of your imagination, of your desires, your habits of your own weakness - and by willpower and strength and stamina and renunciation, you overcome that ugly beast and break free.

This is fairly logical and consistent of course. I won't deny that this may well be the only possible way for a lot of people. It's very obvious.

If this is you, and if it works for you and makes you happy, stop reading and just do what you do.

There might be another way.

What if I told you that desire is not necessarily a call to finish? What if an urge was not necessarily something to fulfill? What if an empty hole does not necessarily cry for water to fill it?

Duh. What else would it be.

What if you learned to enjoy the urge itself?

What if there was joy in being with desire?

What if you learned how to see the urge, not as something to fulfill or to kill or overcome - but as something satisfying in and of itself?

What if discipline created its own reward?

In essence, this is the secular tantric *) mindset. Secular tantric practice is growing into that mindset.

Don't be fooled. It takes time, it takes discipline, it takes dedication. It's not the quick fix. And a certain openness to "spirituality", while not a prerequisite, might help. **)

But man is it good.

--------------------------

*) Disclaimers apply: It's not "authentic tantra", it's just western secular sexual "energy" practice, yadda yadda yadda da.

**) You might even develop a certain "spiritual attitude" when you practice, to your own surprise, even against your will. You have been warned.

Sunday, April 15, 2018

When you let go of the need for "orgasm"...

...you can discover that you never knew what an orgasm really was.

Monday, March 19, 2018

Physical Self-Love Meditation: Week 6 - Finishing Touches

Monday - Sunday: Go faster, vibrate, get creative

When you want more, hotter, more intense experiences, speed up your breathing. When it gets too hot
and you get too close to orgasm, slow down.

As you go faster, you will probably lose control over the subtle complexities we practiced so
far - clench on exhale etc. Don't bother, it's completely fine.

One nice trick is to flex and relax the thighs and the PC faster, along with the breath. At
some point, you can go into a kind of "vibrating" movement which can feel tremendously
wonderful.

You can also try engaging the muscles for a longer time.

Try stretching out your legs or spreading them.

Get creative, experiment with it all!

For example, try flexing on the inhale rather than the exhale. How does that feel? Personally,
I found out that the other way around feels better, but we're all different -- maybe this is
better for you.

Be sure to hit me with some feedback if you care to. You can mail me at betlamed@gmail.com, or drop a comment here on the blog!

Have fun!