The long list of things I tried

Sometimes I'm amused by the sheer number of pseudoscientific and religious woo that I was involved in, or that I at least gave a chance, at some point. Especially seeing that during most of that time, I thought of myself as a somewhat rational person... After I wrote the list below, looking at it, I found it quite impressive and more than a bit shocking, really.

• Fundamentalist christianity (of the catholic charismatic variety). Nothing to add here, really, we all know it's bullshit.
• Satanism. I never actually believed it, but I was quite fascinated with Crowley for a while. I still think he's a very charming fraudster.
• Kabbala. I never believed in it, but I read a lot of the literature and went to a lecture by the Kabbalah Centre once. I even gave a few talks on the history of it.
• Tarot. I really wanted to believe that one. I even gave a few readings for money, until I learned about cold reading and realized that I had been doing exactly that all along, purely by intuition.
• Wicca. I attended a wiccan ritual at some point, with high priestess and all. It was all very friendly and polite, but it felt incredibly shallow and noncommital. Coming from fundie religion, it just felt somewhat ridiculous. (Nobody was in the nude, by the way.) Oh and I had a little "temple" at home, consisting of a large cloth on which I had painted some symbols.
• Buddhism. That one I'm still kind-of into. Over time, I learned to extract the meditative practice and reject all the metaphysical nonsense. I visited a real sangha a few times. I thought it was a valuable experience. I didn't crave any form of religious community at that point, so I never went back. I liked how the "sermon" was really more of a discussion with the whole group in one of those.
  
• Tantra. Duh, you knew it had to be coming. By now I know how to distinguish between what's real and what's religious woo, so I can keep on practicing without fear of getting into anythng bad.
• NLP (and other assorted communication teachings). That was the most expensive, by far. I did my self-hypnosis, which is one of the few things out of that whole mess that I would still recommend. It helped me give up smoking. But apart from that, it's just crap that turns people into monsters.
• Pickup. Yes, been there done that. I never paid for any bootcamps or anything. I did get a few "lays", but I learned to see how destructive and inhuman it all really is, and I never overcame my "approach anxiety" in the long run.
• Qi Gong, Tai Chi, Yoga etc. I would still recommend all of these, strictly as a physical workout. I practice some of it still, though I'm utterly incapable of performing any serious Tai Chi.

Just to show that I'm not completely cookoo, I never believed in: Astrology, crystals, pyramids, alien abductions, conspiracy theories, anti-vacc, Ouija boards, tachyons or Desteni.

Shallow truism of the day

"Is this the price for my inner peace?"

My little tarot experiment

At the start of this year, I picked a Tarot card for each week. I made a prediction based on that card. A few times so far, I checked my predictions against the facts.

Unsurprisingly, none of it was true. Some where somewhat close, some where too vague to decide anything. One was surprisingly fitting.

Just look at the card for September: Strength (reversed) I concluded that I would be out of my mind and undisciplined. What really happened, of course, is just the opposite: I am much more disciplined with my diet, I have been chaste for almost two months now, and I practice meditation a lot.

Still, when I pick a daily card, which I sometimes do out of curiosity, I tend to see it fulfilled in hindsight. I can almost feel my mind grasping for fitting patterns. Today it was The Ace of Swords, and yes I am doing a lot of thinking today. But, duh, I do that every workday, because of my job, I often read intellectually challenging books in my spare time, and I code weekend projects on the side. And really, a lot of cards would have been a good fit for today (so far): 3 Pentacles (I'll meet with an old friend) or 2 Cups; The Lovers (I will not talk about this one to be discreet); 4 Pentacles... I guess I can find some kind of match for almost every card.

I think it is proven beyond any doubt that there is no predictive power in Tarot cards.

It's still a fun little hobby of course.

Tantra, nofap, and chastity

I have not ejaculated outside my spouse's vagina in about two months now.

I guess that makes me somewhat special, and a bit of a specialist, hehe.

Recently, I've become very interested in the differences and similarities between tantra, the "nofap movement" (if you can call it that), and the bdsm chastity kink.

One surprising aspect of my current practice is that there is no "unbearable horniness". I don't experience my arousal as uncomfortable, nor am I in need of "release". I feel the "energies" flowing more or less all day, sometimes it makes me incredibly happy and sometimes it just is whatever it is... and sometimes I forget all about it and just go about my business.

In a way, this makes me an impossible candidate for my former chastity kink. I don't know how I would react if a woman does the whole tease-and-deny program on me, and I do get regular sex, so in a way it doesn't even count as chastity... but if we put that aside, I guess I can happily live this way for a very, very long time. Probably forever, though I guess there will be "relapses".

I am fairly certain that this incredible ability is tied to the lack of compulsive sexual fantasies. All the mindfulness meditation has taken care of that, I guess. When I engage in a tantric self-love session, there is practically no sexual fantasy accompanying it, as long as I don't deliberately conjure one up. It's pretty liberating.

Another effect is that I'm way more creative, and I feel most energetic and alive. I get more reading done, I write more, I'm just way more present.

I am doing those sessions daily now, by the way. I set my alarm to go off half an hour earlier to have time for that. I love it!

Of course, it's hard to pin it all down to that one specific activity. Correlation is not necessarily causation. But the correlation is definitely there. Definitely.

As for a bit of theorizing, I admit to some feelings of pity, probably even some fatherly condescension, towards the nofap crowd. They appear to come from a place of scarcity, neediness, and addiction, and they lack the tools that I have built up over many years now. It's all willpower and  If I were to try and preach to them (which I won't), even if they were receptive (which most won't be), I would not be able to pass on any knowledge. This journey can easily take years, it's next to impossible to believe it until you see it for yourself, and if you are steeped in helplessness and self-loathing, that's not a good starting place at all.

I have the impression that there is a deeply post-christian mindset going on there, in which the goal is to fix your own broken self by renunciation and asceticism -- through suffering. As hard as it is for me to say that -- they might have it easier if they did it for religious reasons and imitatio Christi, rather than just to escape their plight.

It is sad to see that porn has such a negative effect on many people. I grew up before the omnipresent, immediate availability of porn, and while I won't go on a moralistic loathing trip, (we didn't have access to a lot of useful information -- our early sexual encounters were not quite shiny examples either!) I see that this brings enormous issues. Of course, porn is not the root of the problem -- we have our neurotic view of sexuality to thank.

I was never one to watch porn, really. I enjoy beautiful non-porn-y pictures of naked women much more. Interestingly, I don't even do that so much these days, without any conscious effort on my part (I don't see anything bad with that, so why would I...)

Something weird and interesting is definitely going on here! Stay tuned!

Just some ideas for fun experiments

When it comes to tantra and kundalini yoga, I want to encourage a spirit of fearless experimentation, because I think there is absolutely nothing to fear, as long as you apply some common sense.

Once you are free from the irresistable urge to ejaculate, here are some fun things you might do. They all feel a bit different, and they all feel very good, and I find it interesting to simply note the differences.

• Edge a few times
• Not edge at all
• Practice in different positions
• Be loud, or be quiet
• Engage your thighs: Vibrate or pulse, clench and relax in varying rhythms
• Visualize different colors up or down your spine
• Visualize those colors not necessarily just up or down your spine, but drive it anywhere you want
• Up on the inhale, down on the exhale, or the other way around
• Draw long breaths, or short ones, or even pant
• Let go, and just feel
• Hold your breath, then let go and feel
• Stroke yourself, or don't stroke yourself

I'm sure there's lots of other stuff.

Also, let me add that, even though I obviously write from a male perspective, I do not at all endorse the view that semen is somehow special, contains the most qi, or anything like that. I just have no clue how tantra for women works, that's all.