Due for release

Tomorrow I'm due for "release", as they say in kinkalese professional terminology. Seeing as my beloved is void of any sadistic urge, I'm sure I'll get it, too.

I am looking forward to it, sure. But not at all in the way I used to, or in the way I expected.

I feel like I am now a bit more calm about this whole chastity thing. I also feel like I got over the initial craving. Yes, it feels like cold turkey. (At least as far as I know it from going off cigarettes 15 yaars ago.)

I am looking forward to the intimacy, being with her and inside her. It's not so much a race for a goal as it used to be. I wonder what my feelings will be after the "finish".

I told her that we can and should freely express our wishes and desires, the both of us -- only, mine are optional while hers are always binding. It seems to me she is good with that. She did, for what it's worth, send me to go pick something from the store across the street a few days ago. That's a good start!

I have to admit I just love "serving" her, pulling her a bath and giving her feet a rub and stuff like that. Not even nessecarily the sexual things. And she seems to feel in a similar way, so we might be up to a "race of kindness" in the future.

ETA: In an online forum on FLRs I read this:

There is a part of us submissive males that realizes we want to let go of our ego, that it is actually better for us if we do. 

This feels very true. The question is whether this is simply due to hormone fluctuations. After that, this probably being the case, the next question is: Does it matter? After all, our emotions ARE our hormones, to the highest degree. We cannot distinguish the physical from the psychological in this case. So, if I hack myself via orgasm control to become a better person, then I do have changed myself. It's actually a rather huge thing, once you start thinking about it.