Surprise!

As it turns out, she has been planning to ask me about some more serious chastity play for about a year now. Just as I did... We both hesitated. She is really into this stuff now, while still retaining her enormously charming, enormously empathic, friendly personality. I love her to pieces for it.

And all that, while I am pretty certain that we're one couple that has a lot of high-quality communication, compared to several other couples I've known. It's a bit scary, when you think of it.

She put a ring on me. Okay, it was my idea, but who cares -- it's such a strong symbol, reminder, and so inconspicuous. I was tempted to go on my knees for the occasion -- it would have been such a lovely reversal of gender roles. But then again, who cares. We had lots of fun, I'm horny as heck, it's all good.

I sent her a list of possible punishments today. I tried to make it so they're not all really just fun for me... :-) I'm curious whether she will finally let out her cruel side. As things are right now, I cannot imagine breaking the chastity of my own accord, anyway. There might of course still be the uncontrollable nightly occasion, which I have not experienced in like half a decade or so.

I'm on some FLR forum these days, but I hesitate to post a lot. This is not an FLR, nor does it feel like it. On the other hand, it is not purely a bdsm/chastity type thing, either. It is something deeper, something very personal and romantic, not at all a "Strict and Cruel Dominatrix/worthless slave" arrangement. More like very-good-relationship version 2.0.

On the other hand, I love that I can now visit my old fellas at the local bdsm café and brag to them because, technically, I now have a 24/7 D/s relationship going! It's like the holy grail of bdsm, innit?

Another thought is that this makes me try to be a better person, in all respects -- such as trying to tidy up more, hanging up the laundered clothes (which she hates and always forgets), cooking for her, and sticking to my exercise and diet regime. Oxytocin is my new best friend!

I am happy. I am in love. She is happy. She is in love.

This is good.

Male chastity is stress relief.

Forgegone conclusions are a great way to gain freedom.

This August, I received a diagnosis for type 2 diabetes. I was admitted to the hospital, received infusions, rumbazumba the whole messy shenanigan. So I decided to treat elevators and escalators as demonic entities, refrain from eating any sweets and stick to a low-carb diet, and do my frackin' exercises every day.

With the motivation of maybe, one day, being able to eat a good piece of mousse au chocolat (I do make a mean one!) without regrets, and maybe never having to inject myself with insulin, there was no question whether I'd stick to the regime or not. I just went for it.

Needless to say, losing about 6 kgs in a month, and receiving all the health benefits from that, is a motivation booster in itself. During our vacation, I was able to walk 7 to 8 kms per day with my girlfriend, which would never have happened a year before. I don't sit in and watch stupid youtube videos at night, but read books... real books, doorstoppers like Ulysses! The last time I had enough energy to do that was like 10 years ago.

Apart from that, this one decision, once taken, freed me from a lot of stress. It is actually really nice to not even think about a Mars bar. And I really don't. If I forget and accidentally do use an escalator, I walk back the stairs, and back again, just to reinforce the habit. It feels a bit like I'm my own dominatrix, sometimes.

Now I have given up the decision about having an orgasm and laid it into my girlfriend's loving hands. I do not have to spend a minute thinking about whether I want to wank tonight. Instead, I can focus my mental energies on more productive stuff, such as the aforementioned reading of books, or, even more importantly, finding ways to please her.

Somehow, now I feel a bit guilty about forcing her make do my decisions for me...

Just a bit.

A little follow-up to my last posting

Amending my last posting on the current state of my chastity affairs, I would like to add the following:

I do experience a hugely increased urge to "serve", i.e., plain old do a lot for, my girlfriend. I feel deeply in love, very romantic, I want to take her out to dinner and do a lot of little stuff, like vacuuming the bedroom, without mentioning it. I always loved her a lot, it just went from intense to hyperrealistic, from comfortably warm to hellishly hot.

This is so entirely clichéd as to border on embarrassing!

Now, I'm fairly certain that this has to do with the hormonal changes involved in our roleplay, and it coincides with what every other practitioner of bdsm-type chastity will profess, but I would not like to neglect the possibility that this is simply thankfulness -- after years and years of not being able to live one's fantasies, finally having a partner who is as appreciative, cooperative and adventurous as that is simply fantastic, and I am indeed deeply thankful to her.

Natural Courtship, Mating and Bonding

One of the major surprises of my new condition is how it feels 100% just right - like it had been the natural state of affairs all along, and I had just failed to see it. Like coming home. "There and back again", indeed.

(For those who haven't read the other posting and won't, the short of it is that I started into a very loving, very gentle, device-less version of bdsm-style male chastity, and it is precious.)

As the title written on the beautiful belly of the young lady on top of this blog suggests, I will not move to generalize, out of a few moments of private enjoyment, that all guys in relationships should always be in a state of courtship, encouraged by "enforced" bdsm-type chastity. Duh.

I will, however, allow myself to indulge in those ideas for a while, just because they are so sexy. I believe that your own beliefs can very much be a part of your joyful kinky adventures, as long as you are prepared to admit that this is what you are doing. It is a kind of extended (or in-tended?) roleplay.

I will also allow myself to deliver a few hypotheses, in the firm knowledge that they are not at all conclusive or scientifically sound, but just my own private adhoc speculations.

The question is, of course, why the heck does it feel so good? And moreover, why does it feel so natural?

I'm guessing that modern neurobiology might have something to say about that -- Marnia Robinson seems to cover that in "Cupid's Poisoned Arrow", but I have not read the book yet. From what I have heard, it is probably something to do with the brain's reward circuits.

It is at least a curious occurrence how basically all of the romantic media industry revolves around this one very subject: Pair bonding, and male persons' apparent inability to accept it, live it, enjoy it, submit to it and become monogamous in the process, mostly because of their need for "indepencence", i.e., freedom to mate with everyone else.

I don't believe for a second that monogamy is the natural order of human affairs, period. There is far too much evidence to the contrary (see "Sex At Dawn", by Christopher Ryan).

In the light of what I have experienced in my life, and specifically what I am experiencing right now, I should say that there are two distinct modes of pleasure with regard to sex and relationship: Marnia Robinson would call them "mating" and "bonding" modes. Both are probably related to one or the other of two different hormones *), and you can get a high from either, as well as get hooked on them.

This might imply that, contrary to what we are generally taught, there is really not only one source of happiness with regard to sex, but there are two: orgasm is one, and deliberate delay of orgasm is the other. One triggers the satisfaction of mating, the other brings in the rewards for bonding. **)

If so, that would mean that we humans are probably only half-monogamous, the other half being polyamorous: driven by a sex impulse to procreate no matter what, but at the same time, longing for life-long bonding. Would that not explain an awful lot in terms of our pervasive issues with relationships? Like, why we have seen a need for using religions (the other strongest force on the planet) for millennia now to regulate them, why we tend towards serial monogamy rather than straight-up polyamory in the face of failing societal rules for relationships, and why so many very happy, very committed monogamous relationships tend to fall apart after quite a huge amount of time.

It would also mean that we get to... well, not precisely choose between those two modes, but probably rather... surf them. Go more for one at a time, rather than assuming that real happiness is only real once you have both. Realize that it's not your partner who is to blame when things start to go a bit boring, nor yourself, but your biology -- but also that, rather than being a slave to your body, you now have a choice to do something about it.

That would be awesome indeed.

Of course, all of this does not explain at all why there seems to be such a massive difference between men and women -- how much of it is related to nurture rather than nature.

Since these are just ad-hoc thoughts from a few days of experience, it may very well be that this is all really just a reflection of my personality and upbringing. Yay for catholic education! Hooray for christianity!

But wouldn't it just be way more interesting the other way?








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*) or, more probably, complex circuits involving one or the other of those, among other substances

**) Marnia Robinson, as far as I see, advocates for a kind of sexual restraint, otherwise known as "karezza", for both sexes. As this opposes my kinky malesub view, I choose to ignore the female side of the equation for now...

There and, hopefully, never back again: Re-starting a journey of male chastity.

Warning: This is a looong posting. Be prepared!


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There is a highly specialized genre of blog posts on the internet. It concerns itself with the writers' numerous experiences with "male chastity" -- that is to say, "enforced" abstinence of men regarding sex or, more specifically, ejaculation. There are fora for it, there is, as usual, according to rule 34, a plethora of porn about it, and -- equally as usual -- fantasy and reality often dance a very intimate danse macabre in those writings.

One basic narrative goes like this: Guy (heterosexual, white, 25-35 years) cheats on spouse. Spouse catches guy. Spouse purchases a chastity device which the guy is forced to wear. Henceforth, the guy is completely helpless, and the woman gets ever more dominant. Girl gets all the joy, guy does all the chores. BDSM tropes of all (im)possible kinds ensue.

Alternatively, the guy talks his woman into keeping him chaste; she complies more or less out of pity or curiosity, but without any real interest. After a while, she realizes the benefits to the situation (guy's horniness makes him do everything he can for her), and he is now a veritable sorcerer's apprentice who cannot undo what he has done. Again, BDSM tropes ensue. Happiness in slavery.

I will try and do my best to avoid all those cliché-ridden trappings of the aforementioned genre. I want to be as honest as possible.

I was interested in male chastity even before I started out with tantra. Problem was -- as with practically every aspiring male chastity apprentice -- that there was no fitting female partner to be found. Several kinds of experiments with self-locking, online and short-term keyholding *) arrangements, and 8-9 years later, I had given up on the whole thing, had begun exploring tantra and was moving on. The interest spiked a few times over the years, but all in all, it was a closed book.

Now, after 3 years with my current girlfriend, I somehow talked her into giving male chastity a try for a few days. Without going into the boring technical details too much, let me just say that there is no device (aka chastity belt) involved and very little bdsm stuff. She's soo not into being sadistic, it's actually kind of amazing!

It's an arrangement for mutual pleasure where she gets all the orgasms and gets to say when or if I am allowed to come, and I get... well, what I gain from it is to be the topic of the rest of this blog posting.

The most obvious, of course, is permanent, unrelenting horniness. While for many of you, it might not at all be obvious how this can possibly be a boon, for those who already took a peak into western tantra and taoist sex, the advantage of "semen retention" should be obvious (although, as I have expressed early, I do not believe for a second that the tantric explanations of it bear any connection with reality).

As for all the clichés mentioned above, it is definitely true that there is more energy, that I can focus on my partner more clearly and with more mindfulness, and that I now have more of a certain kind of tender feeling towards her. It used to be there before, half-buried below heaps of everyday busy-ness, but now it is way stronger. I guess it is called courtship.

Do you remember the first time you ever fell deeply in love? Did you feel completely and utterly helpless, and strong at the same time?

If you're a guy, you will know what I mean when I say that you would have done everything in your power for the girl of your dreams -- if not just to do her. I don't know how it feels for girls; I guess it's somewhat different, since our biological roles in sex are quite different, regardless of what modern narratives try to promote. **)

It's one of those feelings we all crave basically all our lives, and many of us try and regain that feeling, as soon as we feel its end with our current partner, by moving on to the next.

In many modern relationships, that initial phase of traditional courtship has vanished altogether. So was the case with us. I guess, deep inside, I was missing that phase. There were reasons, of course, and I won't bore you to death with them, but somehow it didn't seem quite right to me -- only, at the time I didn't realize that something was missing.

There is, on top of that, the tantric/taoist thing about having no goal to achieve for myself. Being able to focus on her like that feels nothing short of amazing. In a way, this is, to me, a key to actual real-life tantra.

Where we stand now is that I have this insane desire to please her -- not only under the sheets, but in general -- that I want to do good things for her every day, all day long (and I'm not quite sure how this will play out once I'm back to the office.... sheeeesh!!). It just feels so damn RIGHT. It feels like how this relationship should be. It feels like how I should feel toward her.

I have the feeling that this is a journey of shared self-exploration, of growing as persons and as a couple. For me, anyway, it feels like a huge step of personal development.

I don't entertain for a moment the idea that this will be our future state forevermore. It shall be a game we play for a little while, then another little while, then maybe another, not so little one...

Let me also say that there is not a moment of "force" there. All these theatrics about the guy being forced into submission seem exceedingly tedious and quite useless to me. Should I ever feel that this gets too much for me, I will simply tell her, and we will decide, as a couple, what to do about it.

And that's it for now. No clever punchline here. Just insane amounts of desire, a lot of joy and great curiosity.

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*) "Keyholding", where one person keeps the key to another's chastity device.

**) Hooray for gender diversity! I have no clue how these things feel for trans*persons. In this posting I'm talking about the majority 90% heterosexual cispersons, which happen to be, as it were, my natural area of expertise.