So you want to be a "slave", huh?

You want to be begging for mercy, down on your knees. You want a latex-clad strict Belle Dame Sans Merci to tell you how small and useless your penis is, while she wields a whip the length of Roissy and fucks your ass with a 15 inch dildo made of steel, covered in ginger essence.

You have a perfect bullet list in your head, and there are 42 items on it. You know the weapons she is to use, the clothes she should wear, the exact amount of Icy Hot to put under your foreskin.

If that's what you want, and if that's what you get, by all means, go for it. You have my blessing. More (or less) power to you!

Seeing all the complaints of (mostly male) subs about how they can't find what they crave, some skepticism might be in order.

My Lovely Lady and I recently decided that our sex had become a bit... habitual. Not bad. Far from it, we both felt it was great, but we also thought that a wee bit of spicing up might be the way to go.

Of course I dragged my old bdsm and chastity fantasies out of the closet. We had ventured into that county several years before, it was quite fun, and then we just kind of forgot about it, never mentioned it again. She's very inexperienced in that regard, She's basically compassion incarnate, and She is just... soo.. not sadistic at all.

I decided to make it as easy as possible for her. To frame it more like a bit of chivalry on my part, as our mutual, combined learning experience - everything but the cliché. She's an extremely sweet girl, so I asked her to be precisely as sweet as she wanted to. The sessions would last for as long as we decided, and instead of trying to "punish" me for inexistent and made-up "crimes", we would try and find the limits of my pain-tolerance, together. It's our journey together, as a couple, as people.

Lo and behold.

Next thing I know, I'm fetching Her drinks and serving them in style. I'm in for a week of teasing and denial. I'm kneeling by the side of the bed. I'm getting pegged.

She made me write her a text every day at noon, in which I was to ask her, kindly, to tell me what she wanted me to do for Her that day.

It's brilliant. Absolutely brilliant. That one instruction was so "mild" that She didn't have to feel like She was overstepping some boundary. She doesn't have to think of it, I have a task to perform for Her every day by default, and She can always decide to just give no order at all if She likes.

There is a level of D/s that is overtly sexual. Kneeling naked by the bed is very, very sexy.

There is another level. It's where you take out the trash, and serve Her meals, and try to think of things to make Her life easier. It's where you let Her choose the video to watch, but you also prepare a few choices because you know She has a hard time making decisions like that. It is this level that goes truly deep. It is where bdsm and spirituality meet. It is where you're about to go "naaaah... not AGAIN, I wanna do sumthin ELSE...", and then you think of your place in this, and you shut the fuck up and do it, and it is transformed into pure sweetness as if by magic.

It's where you stand behind her and gently pet her shoulders while she's brushing her teeth, just because it feels good for her. Where you feel the urge to fetch Her a fresh towel after Her shower, not because it's kinky, but because that's the way it's supposed to be.

It's sexual too, but it's also just basic good old-fashioned chivalry. It's a form of medieval, romantic self-conquest and discipline that often seems to get overlooked in the modern world, where we're all on a quest to become more, not better. It's oh so sexy and satisfying, and what's more, it just feels very, very natural.

And if you struggle to get your Lady on board, let me humbly suggest that you drop all bdsm dressup, forget whips and chains and nipple clamps, and frame it as just you being nice. It might get you further than you think!

Salespitch for the Tantric Mindset

There is this mindset of "self-improvement". People come from a place of deficiency. They are less-than. Not-quite. In dire need of improvement.

To me, this is epitomized in communities such as /r/nofap and /r/pornfree.

The idea is that "I have this obsession, I have to get rid of it, so I have to renounce this pleasure to reach my goal."

In this view, you are a victim of porn, of your imagination, of your desires, your habits, of your own weakness - and by willpower and strength and stamina and renunciation, you overcome your demons and break free.

This is fairly logical and consistent of course. I won't deny that this may well be the only viable way for a lot of people. It's the obvious thing.

If this is you, and if it works for you and makes you happy, stop reading and just do what you do.

There might be another way.

What if I told you that desire is not necessarily a call to the finish line? What if an urge was not necessarily something to fulfill? What if an empty hole does not necessarily cry for water to fill it?

Duh. What else would it be.

What if you learned to enjoy the urge itself?

What if there was joy in being with desire?

What if you learned how to see the urge, not as something to fulfill or to kill or overcome - but as something satisfying in and of itself?

What if discipline created its own reward?

In essence, this is the secular tantric *) mindset. Secular tantric practice is growing into that mindset.

Don't be fooled. It takes time, it takes discipline, it takes dedication. It's not the quick fix. And a certain openness to "spirituality", while not a prerequisite, might help. **)

But man is it good.

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*) Disclaimers apply: It's not "authentic tantra", it's just western secular sexual "energy" practice, yadda yadda yadda da.

**) You might even develop a certain "spiritual attitude" when you practice, to your own surprise, even against your will. You have been warned.

When you let go of the need for "orgasm"...

...you can discover that you never knew what an orgasm really was.