Sunday, September 16, 2012

When The Image Goes Wrong...

Autumn is here, folks! That magical time when a young man's fancy turns to nonsensical love lyrics. I gathered a few that I find particularly hilarious. It won't be the last time either, friends. Promise!


You're the cutest thing that I ever did see
I really love your peaches
Want to shake your tree
Lovey dovey, lovey dovey, lovey dovey all the time
Ooh wee baby, I sure show you a good time

(Steve Miller Band, The Joker)

I sure love me my Mauuurrrice. Seriously, I do. And the "wolf whistle" gets me going like the next guy. But there is a little detail in there that makes me a bit doubtful as to Maurrice's hidden agenda... whether it be as a joker, smoker, poker, sinner, grinner, lover, biter, or, eventually, as a writer.

The question arises: What are we supposed to expect after that tree has been shaken? Does he honestly want us to picture her peaches falling off? Yuck. YUCK YUCK YUCK! To say the least. The very, very, VERY least.


Rock me, rock me, rock me, baby
Rock me out here on the floor
Rock me, rock me, rock me, baby
Rock me till I want no more
(Johnny Nash, Rock Me Baby)

Okay, Johnny, I dig that you want convulsions, quivering, tossing and tumbling. You want it here and now, and you want it to its very last, oh so exciting end. Well, isn't that what we all want?

But,  oh Johnny, why on earth do you insist on it taking place on the floor? As if that weren't bad enough, you have to have it take place out here (as opposed to, in there... wherever that may be)? You into flashing, or something? Filthy pervert!

Based on my limited experience with the oppositional, I mean opposite sex, I can tell you that this is probably not what she is looking for. Patience, my young padawan, is way more than a noun when it comes to sexual advances.

If you're too impatient to at least try and get her to a more comfortable and private place first, I must suspect that the experience might not be all so earth-shattering and world-rocking. At least not for her! Come on, you did promise her that you'll still be here with her when the night is through. I bet you can delay your pleasure for just a few more minutes!

In a world that don't know Romeo and Juliet
Boy meets girl and promises we can't forget
We are cast from Eden's gate with no regrets
Into the fire we cry
(Bon Jovi, I'd die for you)

That is just... wrong. To the point of cruel and unnecessary violence. First off, what on earth has knowledge of a classical stageplay got to do with anything? I don't assume that Jon was talking about carnal knowledge. The vision of our whole effing planet doing the wild thing to Mrs and Mr Montague's exposed orifices is just too disturbing.

And what's that business going on with that fire? If you're trying to stir it, then probably blowing would be a better idea than crying. Okay, that didn't come across the way I wanted it either. Huffing. I mean, panting. Puffing? Ah, f'get it. Or are you trying to kill the fire with your tears? Well, good luck with that, Jon.

The real fun part is the one about Eden's gate though. How does it make sense to cast someone from a gate? Are they still allowed to enter the garden, just as long as they don't use the gate?

(Sidenote: There was never any gate to the garden of Eden, or at least it's never mentioned in the bible. And god seems to have had precious little knowledge of military strategy. I guess he only learned that later, from Moses, or something. He placed two angels, both at the eastern side of the garden. It must have been ridiculously easy to sneak in behind their backs. Well, perhaps Adam and Eve didn't dare do that, what with god being omnipotent and all. But then, why place angels as guardians in the first place?)

As a little bonus, the chorus gives us the following gem:

I'd die for you
I'd cry for you
I'd do anything
I'd lie for you

Well, how is lying ever a good thing in a romantic relationship? Okay, maybe he's talking about lying down, which does make some sense, especially since he's already dead and probably exhausted from doing anything.

What really bugs me, though, Jon, seriously now...

After you died for her, on top of what is arguably the ultimate sacrifice, you are even prepared to drop a tear or two? Wooooow. Now that's what I call romantic!

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